Re: a comment on Coffle by Wulf	20-Aug-03/8:34 AM
speedy D! where have you been??? i have missed you, so! you come and go like a fantasy! xo, z
Re: a comment on I Am a Snob, or, 'A Definition' by JakeBike	20-Aug-03/7:55 AM
no.
Re: a comment on I Am a Snob, or, 'A Definition' by JakeBike	20-Aug-03/7:51 AM
you were a late-comer. don't feel slighted.
Re: a comment on wandering, north by <~>	20-Aug-03/6:58 AM
mon petit chou! il a été si isolé ici sans vous! plus de baisers!
Re: To My Love by sliver	19-Aug-03/9:13 PM
walt whipman, eh? http://www.dorkedom.com/ds2000/authors.html
Re: a comment on The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig	19-Aug-03/5:28 PM
i like this very much, pig. some lovely moments, here. favorites: its immortalized syntax fragrant colors are riot And all I can say, in predictable cliche, Is, God, how much I love you topaz clouds, damasking heaven's constant eye [oops--you need an apostrophe in heaven's] emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism the only part i am so/so on is "For you are inscribed on my soul." agh. whenever someone brings up 'soul' in a love and loss poem, it sounds cliched. unless handled with delicate mastery. i dare not do it myself for another 3 decades. think of all that i must learn and unlearn before i turn that phrase! and besides, you deftly dispensed with cliche in the preceding stanzas. so, what can you do about it? i don't know. beautiful work, pig.
Re: The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig	19-Aug-03/2:34 PM
[you speak of her in both second and 3rd person--in this edit, I made it all 2nd, as she is so very near, still.] witness, the z edit: Salt falls on veneer Veiled in pauper’s wood, The clock-watching chaplain sweats As I refuse to leave you. Staring at your headstone, Looking at its immortalized syntax Chosen at random by your rushed mother Who coped when I faltered. It’s quiet here, and fragrant colors are riot near. At least you’re under the willow You liked the thought of it weeping above you And all I can say, in predictable cliche, Is, God, how much I love you. I stare at the topaz clouds, damasking heavens constant eye, Wondering as I'm watching you If you are watching I. For now, I want to believe-- People always do, when they grieve. Your epitaph, emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism: Words describing an everyman. It doesn’t matter to me, For you are inscribed on my soul.
Re: Forget I Asked by AtalantaPendragonne	18-Aug-03/6:47 PM
this need more meet (pun intended)
Re: Too Nearly Remembered by AtalantaPendragonne	18-Aug-03/6:46 PM
nice job. the word "nearly" in the title bothers me, though.
Re: Street Talkers (Amnesiac) by Fear of Garbage	18-Aug-03/5:54 PM
sometimes i forget you are 16. sometimes, this world you speak of walks over to me. invites me. envelopes me. but then i remember: i am copper. or was it gold?
Re: Small Teeth in a Glass Bowl by Fear of Garbage	18-Aug-03/5:52 PM
flesh without corpulence, sinewless muscle, afloat despite the lack of gravity: chatter, pearls, chatter. brava!
Re: a comment on hermetic by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/5:29 PM
how immaculate it could be if he walked widdershinswhile eking ichor...
Re: Memory by Hostileintent	18-Aug-03/1:00 PM
hostile, you start off well enough, with a clip-cloppity rhythm and rhyme--but then somebody hobbled your horse. also, can you show me a fresh treatment of this theme? no vote yet.
Re: Incomplete by Hostileintent	18-Aug-03/12:45 PM
L3: conflict in personification: that/who L14: "And precarious fob eachother off as," makes no sense--punctuation might help, or redefine your meaning L16: what does "the" leviathan have to do with anything? and since when is there only one? if this were a vocab assignment, you would get 50%. but i am not trying to be mean. just askking you to think to the best of your ability. it seems you are throwing up veils for the sake of the unlearned. set a tone and keep it. if you would be abstruse, be so throughout. have an even temper, sirrah. you strive to impress, methinks. instead, perhaps, you might strive to enlighten, or better yet, communicate. no vote yet.
Re: hermetic by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:06 PM
no. not a buuterfly. god no.
Re: the midget of humiliation by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:06 PM
put it asll together, tighter. again, get rid of the extra baggage. say what you mean, and less.
Re: null by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:05 PM
bill there are still too many extra words. e.g., what could the bra be _but_ discarded.? etc. cut it down, because it's raw. it's pittsburgh, baby. seared outside, raw, in.
Re: deleted scenes by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:01 PM
is the last scene deleted, bill? because it feels really, really real.
Re: for sue (20030815) by nentwined	15-Aug-03/3:27 PM
thanks,, k. um. i mean, um, er, well, you know who you are!!! xo, ~
Re: A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom	15-Aug-03/5:59 AM
pbod, first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?isbn=0874519640). it is chock-full of excellent work, all of it fresh, all of it very recent. study it and hone your craft.