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Incomplete (Free verse) by Hostileintent Some say methinks I'm paranoid,
Paranoid to fight the void,
The void that sleeps,the void who hunts,
The void that preys,prays never-
preys never tin the morn,
Because we mourn,what those who have gone before Him,have borne.
For when we are born,
Some,He says,must die,
That invalid wound of being a being,
and for the rest,
The megre,insignificant and wretched,
...Our foolish...-
are foolhardy puissant individuals,
And precarious fob eachother off as,
Whose persona is not pellucid,
Forget their ignorance-through the leviathan,
So is it best,not to be the best,
The distinctive,innate and innocuous,
But just.....Ordinary
Up the ladder:
The Precious Thing
Down the ladder:
Recognition
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.84
Posted: August 8, 2003 6:35 AM PDT; Last modified: August 8, 2003 6:35 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.8276854 Overall Rank: 350 Comments:
from here is fine:
The megre,insignificant and wretched, ...Our foolish...- are foolhardy puissant individuals, And precarious fob eachother off as, Whose persona is not pellucid, Forget their ignorance-through the leviathan, So is it best,not to be the best, The distinctive,innate and innocuous, But just.....Ordinary But prior to it reads like a different poem altogether, its different in style and is drowned to overkill by rhyme. Easy on the word void, there is rescind which is another defintion of the word. I like the end which i pasted above but it reads more like a collaboration due to the difference in styles. another 7. Your always welcome on my feedback.
have i seen this one before? i'm dead sure i have. poetry.com? yea,when i saw it there,i thought some of it was pretty wierd,and hard to understand.but i get the main parts.that line 'and precarious fob eachother off as' , is that two parts back to front?either way, nice piece of work.hard.but nice
yea. i put this poem in last year in a competition.got to the semi. when in school i studied the work of Gerard Manley Hopkins. i loved him,and his so many unique styles. i just took one, which as you said is, splitting the line up into two,and putting the first part last.thanks for the comments
thanks for the comments and support everybody.much appreciated.
L3: conflict in personification: that/who
L14: "And precarious fob eachother off as," makes no sense--punctuation might help, or redefine your meaning L16: what does "the" leviathan have to do with anything? and since when is there only one? if this were a vocab assignment, you would get 50%. but i am not trying to be mean. just askking you to think to the best of your ability. it seems you are throwing up veils for the sake of the unlearned. set a tone and keep it. if you would be abstruse, be so throughout. have an even temper, sirrah. you strive to impress, methinks. instead, perhaps, you might strive to enlighten, or better yet, communicate. no vote yet.
FILTH
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