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A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone (Prose Poem) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
3:30 am, I'm somewhere the closest thing to diversity is a girl with no eyebrows and 13 toes(Well 9 after the incident with the firecracker). Its been a day and though I am weary, rest will not come to my dreamer's soul. I change the channels only to find the age old conclusion that nothing is on. I long for my guitar and a passing damsel displaying her distress to violate with my selfish fancies. There is only the slightest hint of life in this sleeping vision of a ghost town. That being the rose vines growing on the graves to your left. Here in the frigid inferno, I sense neither Joy nor Sorrow and I can not help but weep in shame. This is the truth about paradise, Even at the height of its glory it has only been mediocre. The artist in me, tells me this is beautiful, The visionary screams, this is pathetic. I myself, Call this lost. Potential served to its fullest, only to amount to nothing. I'd almost rather see failure, than watch this placid daydream unfold. Perhaps it is only the lack of success of the dream, that makes it worth dreaming.

Down the ladder: Cupid promised me, Nadine

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 67
.. 10
.. 10
.. 02
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
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.. 11
.. 22

Arithmetic Mean: 7.0869565
Weighted score: 7.04942
Overall Rank: 28
Posted: August 5, 2003 5:12 AM PDT; Last modified: June 17, 2004 7:03 PM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Caducus @ 62.105.119.105 | 5-Aug-03/6:47 AM | Reply
Some wicked phrases and imagery but the long lines make it tiring to read and absorb. 7
[3] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 5-Aug-03/7:35 AM | Reply
so, i really enjoyed the parts in between the lines. really.
[7] richa @ 81.86.73.151 | 5-Aug-03/7:58 AM | Reply
better when read as a pice of prose. The ending is not snappy enough though
[5] Garrett S Sexton @ 213.122.159.35 | 5-Aug-03/10:55 AM | Reply
CHANNEL 5
[7] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 | 5-Aug-03/11:52 AM | Reply
Your first statement is powerful, you need to have her with eyebrows and fourteen or twelve toes by the end, or you'll story will die, worthless. Once again your first line sets the pace, so deliver the goods that's what we're interested in. Why, How, who, where, we know when and who you are already, you mentioned ghost town so get there man.
[7] JoyLuck @ 68.75.20.171 | 5-Aug-03/1:39 PM | Reply
no eyebrows and a cameltoe sounds more interesting and diverse...haha...i just don't like how 13 sounds.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.197.64 | 5-Aug-03/4:20 PM | Reply
Pinkmeister, This does have potential. It NEEDS to drop the (sentence) structure. and it reepats itself for an ending. It's good to play poet. It's better to back it up with some work.
[7] lunar @ 195.92.67.69 | 7-Aug-03/3:51 AM | Reply
hey this is good! x
[7] Dark Angle @ 65.148.96.90 | 15-Aug-03/12:23 AM | Reply
nice little poem ya got here,
[3] <~> @ 172.170.176.82 | 15-Aug-03/5:59 AM | Reply
pbod,

first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?isbn=0874519640). it is chock-full of excellent work, all of it fresh, all of it very recent. study it and hone your craft.
[10] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.174.226 | 18-Jun-04/8:31 PM | Reply
I like it as is, except you could have added a line break after "I'm somewhere."

That said, you are blessed with ten.
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