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A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone (Prose Poem) by thepinkbunnyofdoom 3:30 am, I'm somewhere the closest thing to diversity is a girl with no
eyebrows and 13 toes(Well 9 after the incident with the firecracker).
Its been a day and though I am weary, rest will not come to my dreamer's
soul. I change the channels only to find the age old conclusion that
nothing is on. I long for my guitar and a passing damsel displaying her
distress to violate with my selfish fancies.
There is only the slightest hint of life in this sleeping vision of a
ghost town. That being the rose vines growing on the graves to your left.
Here in the frigid inferno, I sense neither Joy nor Sorrow and I can
not help but weep in shame. This is the truth about paradise, Even at
the height of its glory it has only been mediocre. The artist in me,
tells me this is beautiful, The visionary screams, this is pathetic. I
myself, Call this lost. Potential served to its fullest, only to amount
to nothing. I'd almost rather see failure, than watch this placid
daydream unfold. Perhaps it is only the lack of success of the dream,
that makes it worth dreaming.
Up the ladder:
Left the key in dream den's door
Down the ladder:
Cupid promised me, Nadine
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0869565
Posted: August 5, 2003 5:12 AM PDT; Last modified: June 17, 2004 7:03 PM PDTWeighted score: 7.04942 Overall Rank: 28 Comments:
[6]
Caducus @ 62.105.119.105
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5-Aug-03/6:47 AM
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Reply
Some wicked phrases and imagery but the long lines make it tiring to read and absorb. 7
so, i really enjoyed the parts in between the lines. really.
better when read as a pice of prose. The ending is not snappy enough though
CHANNEL 5
Your first statement is powerful, you need to have her with eyebrows and fourteen or twelve toes by the end, or you'll story will die, worthless. Once again your first line sets the pace, so deliver the goods that's what we're interested in. Why, How, who, where, we know when and who you are already, you mentioned ghost town so get there man.
no eyebrows and a cameltoe sounds more interesting and diverse...haha...i just don't like how 13 sounds.
Pinkmeister, This does have potential. It NEEDS to drop the (sentence) structure. and it reepats itself for an ending. It's good to play poet. It's better to back it up with some work.
hey this is good! x
nice little poem ya got here,
pbod,
first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?is
I like it as is, except you could have added a line break after "I'm somewhere."
That said, you are blessed with ten. 409 view(s)
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