| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-Oct-03/8:37 PM |
i like this a lot, rockmage.
very vivid, very fresh image construction. (e.g., "And still a practicing Nomad,", "And could only see your motherâs red glow./Here is where you could see separately.â"
and it has a nice sense of humor, too.
swank.
keep on rankin'.
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| Re: Squeeze it out... by mrpresident |
6-Oct-03/7:44 AM |
the poor hard-working sphincter gets no credit, as usual.
shame! shame on you, mrpresident!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Oct-03/7:45 AM |
filter the water to let us breathe.
hmm.
not sure i buy that part of it.
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| Re: Behind the veil by INTRANSIT |
6-Oct-03/7:50 AM |
"Lo, had the blankest of cold stares"
huh?
lo--how are you using this?
it generally means 'look at that' or 'over there, look!'
also, use a comma or a colon instead of ellipsis, and fix the apostrophe: Ireland's
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| Re: Trapped in a horseshoe by INTRANSIT |
6-Oct-03/7:57 AM |
"Friendly on tap
just for a little while."
not sure this works where you have it
also, typo:
She works wothout seam!!
smooth it out, rich. it's got po-10-shall
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Oct-03/8:11 AM |
well, Mr. _Angel=-, (if that is your real name), I am most excruciatingly inconvenienced to read this news. I was all set to "switch teams", as as the quartz-passage-harefoot had cut me to my limpid-way-quick.
Alack, allay! Once again, you cause me dismay!
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| Re: My love for Katie by Stephen Robins |
6-Oct-03/8:16 AM |
bravo!!!
where is dear katie?
have you got her in a false-closet with a non-functioning toilet? again?
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| Re: BlackBird (Howl and Flatulence) by DreamerSupreme |
6-Oct-03/8:28 AM |
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you have something nice going here, but i think you need to decide whether you are addressing the audience directly, or speaking to us only in asides. If you're talking to us, lose the parentheticals, i say.
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| Re: Dress rehearsal by INTRANSIT |
6-Oct-03/1:37 PM |
syntax can be important, you know.
amusing rhymes. but no vote.
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| Re: The Wrath of Dan Ackroyd by ?-Dave_Mysterious-? |
6-Oct-03/5:02 PM |
you forgot to smite the unworthy.
boo. hiss.
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| Re: Why You All Suck by ?-Dave_Mysterious-? |
7-Oct-03/8:39 AM |
actually, some here suck for the financial gain.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Oct-03/9:04 AM |
you could have subbed it under pimple, tint.
i see your reluctance to reveal this. sometimes i just have to flush the obvious out of my system. consider this the assymetry in your oeuvre.
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| Re: Orchidess by abecedarian |
7-Oct-03/9:20 AM |
overall pleasing in its malefic intent.
my opinions, if you will permit me to suggest a few tweaks:
spiral implies 'around', so,
'Twist a whimsied spiral down' would suffice.
also, 'The hanging of a garden abounding with allure'
is a clumsy phrase. make it leaner.
[alluring and abundant, a hanging garden...or something]
'watch we' --tricksy inversion prickles me.
'It itself did engage'--again, a little awkward
'gametic knife'--the heart of the poem, succintly captured. bravo.
good work.
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| Re: Shoe Hole by Bobjim |
7-Oct-03/12:54 PM |
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1-4 rock. 5 sucks. that is all.
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| Re: Timmy Christ didn't like Dr. Seuss by Y2kSlamPoet |
9-Oct-03/7:04 AM |
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i don't get why this is so funny.
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| Re: A History of Truth by Blue Magpie |
9-Oct-03/7:17 AM |
you have some desperate misspelling here, my friend. the one that stands out most glaringly is "the Pilot". at first, i thought you were writing a parody. but then i realized that you were referring to Pontius Pilate.
there are some good ideas in here, but your long-winded discourse loses steam before it gets barely started.
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| Re: Reptilian by Christof |
9-Oct-03/11:34 AM |
and that's when the kundalini kicks in, isn't it?
you bastard snake.
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| Re: Billy and the voices by SupremeDreamer |
12-Oct-03/7:22 PM |
i think that coming right out with cognizance of your disorder ruins the surprise, lee.
it's quite entertaining, the 'or so they say' refrain. but the opening needs work. imo.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Oct-03/7:28 PM |
rockmage--nice images here. my one critque would be the rat-a-tat-tat rhymtmic structure. weave it. put the chisels, rasps, and saws away ,and get yourself a loom.
you've got some fine wool to warp, here.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Oct-03/7:29 PM |
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