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Trapped in a horseshoe (Free verse) by INTRANSIT She spins and pops your top
serves you cold and
deflects the bold
with a smile. She's friendly
on tap, just for a little while.
She works without seam;
buddy, confidant, quarterback
of the linear team. She likes
to mix it up and keep things
alive,while hiding her stirring
deep deep inside. She can send
your troubles away, a cure
for the blues. Washes them right
down your throat, boilermaker
smooth. Dignity intact she still
gets undressed by her audience
under every nighttime sun. Yet
she is the captive one.
Up the ladder:
The cold shoulder
Down the ladder:
Lick up your ears
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.25
Posted: September 29, 2003 3:08 PM PDT; Last modified: November 25, 2007 12:31 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.5066123 Overall Rank: 2650 Comments:
[8]
Joe-joe @ 68.194.57.229
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29-Sep-03/3:48 PM
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Reply
Is this about a bar-maid you've encountered while "INTRANSIT"? I like -8-
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.14
> Joe-joe
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29-Sep-03/3:54 PM
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Reply
I was gonna describe an imaginary woman using liquors as coloration for what she was wearing, skin tone etc. I was two Zins to the wind and 4 rewrites later....
[7]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 195.92.67.74
> INTRANSIT
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29-Sep-03/3:58 PM
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Reply
I once had a brief liason with a woman whose nipples were the exact colour of absinthe.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.14
> ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
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29-Sep-03/4:03 PM
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Reply
don't you mean a brief (lesson)? god. I'm AWFUL tonight.
[7]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 163.1.234.241
> INTRANSIT
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6-Oct-03/4:24 PM
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Reply
You might say that it was a libation liason.
"Friendly on tap
just for a little while." not sure this works where you have it also, typo: She works wothout seam!! smooth it out, rich. it's got po-10-shall
yep, good- but it could use smoothening like ~ said.
heres an eight.
Greets (been hard to get on-line this weekend)!
This has a jaunty little beat, doesn't it. I'd be inclined to change a couple minor things here and there, but overall it's got a solid feel. Exlamations points might be overdone, and I'd just make that last line go right after the "she", and lastly the capital "And" is pretty jarring.
Good calls. all of them. How about Z's suggestion? Maybe a line break there, sans the exclam, of course.
a Bounty of thanks to you.
This is a good one, for shizzle.
I like the line breaks, they build tension, make the words seem like worth living too.
Just thinking though, is "nighttime sun" just there to rhyme with "captive one"?, because I don't know if it belongs, otherwise.
Nicely portrayed - the one-way relationship, never to be relayed any other way.
No smoothing! I like this with its internal rhymes, the tripping rhythm, the abrupt caesurae. Stops you getting too comfortable, just like the barmaid.
Scratch the "and" in Verse 1. I like "quarterback of the linear team." Space after the comma in Verse 3. Last line is provocative.
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