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Orchidess (Free verse) by abecedarian Smooth slender tendrils
Twist a whimsied spiral
Down and around
The hanging of a garden abounding with allure
Watch we
As this bee assumes its place
In this careful charade
Too late startled by a motion
It itself did engage
By brushing âgainst a treachery
Lunging, this orchidess stabs its gametic knife
Connecting
Her purposes served
la Fleur
resumes an apathetic posture
Catasetum the Merciless, spare our souls
Up the ladder:
Emily Mae
Down the ladder:
American Poet
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.9333334
Posted: October 6, 2003 7:15 PM PDT; Last modified: October 6, 2003 7:15 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.702874 Overall Rank: 511 Comments:
They're such oddly malevolent flowers--this works quite well. I like "twist a whimsied spiral," but "down and around" is redundant, and I am unreasonably biased against the word "abound"--it just strikes me as one of those "committing acts of poetry" words. The "watch we" inversion strikes a little artificially--does it have some purpose other than the rhyme? I'm usually turned off by archaic tones in modern poems, but the orchid has an odd, other-timely formality that makes it work here (it helps that you keep it light and reasonably subtle). Light and shadow, whimsy and floral murder--what's not to like?
overall a good complete poem.
I don't think you need the lines 'gametic knife' or 'allure abounds'. Such phrases are already inferred I think. This poem has a certain frisson without.
Reminds me somehow of ancient Greece, and toga's. It strikes me today since I just spent the morning hanging my crawling ivy across the ceiling of my living room. It seemed to flow fairly smoothly, 9.
overall pleasing in its malefic intent.
my opinions, if you will permit me to suggest a few tweaks: spiral implies 'around', so, 'Twist a whimsied spiral down' would suffice. also, 'The hanging of a garden abounding with allure' is a clumsy phrase. make it leaner. [alluring and abundant, a hanging garden...or something] 'watch we' --tricksy inversion prickles me. 'It itself did engage'--again, a little awkward 'gametic knife'--the heart of the poem, succintly captured. bravo. good work.
Nice work. However, I saw a picture of a Catasetum that looked short and stocky, rather than smooth and slender. The smooth and slender/spiralling tendrils reminds me more of the ghost orchid in that movie, "Adaptation". What did the French "la Fleur" add to the poem?
How true - catasetums are short and stocky. Strange that I would characterize them as I have. Another apparent inconsistency (and interesting fact) is that catasetums have both male and female flowers, and it is only the male flower that has the ability to rocket its pollen sack (up to eight feet away from the plant!). Why 'Orchidess' then?
There's a great poem in there somewhere That's for sure.
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Wait, I've never read an orchid sex poem.
what is "Watch we" - I posted a poem earlier about nanotech, and thought I might have focused on a relatively small group of folks who would "get it" - I'm pretty sure this would elicit a similar response.
Hey - ya can't save em all!