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Orchidess (Free verse) by abecedarian

Smooth slender tendrils Twist a whimsied spiral Down and around The hanging of a garden abounding with allure Watch we As this bee assumes its place In this careful charade Too late startled by a motion It itself did engage By brushing ‘gainst a treachery Lunging, this orchidess stabs its gametic knife Connecting Her purposes served la Fleur resumes an apathetic posture Catasetum the Merciless, spare our souls

<~> 7-Oct-03/9:20 AM
overall pleasing in its malefic intent.

my opinions, if you will permit me to suggest a few tweaks:

spiral implies 'around', so,
'Twist a whimsied spiral down' would suffice.

also, 'The hanging of a garden abounding with allure'
is a clumsy phrase. make it leaner.

[alluring and abundant, a hanging garden...or something]

'watch we' --tricksy inversion prickles me.

'It itself did engage'--again, a little awkward

'gametic knife'--the heart of the poem, succintly captured. bravo.

good work.




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