| Re: Madam Z - [<~>] - Snake Pen & Holy Grail by SupremeDreamer |
22-Sep-03/11:48 AM |
Madame Z which is zzinnia not to be confused with Madame zinzania the circus act I guess.
baez for now
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| Re: Red by Brittanyy |
21-Sep-03/2:15 PM |
OK, the sentiment of building dreams on interpretations and looking for something to care for in somebody else, at least attempts to explore.
the words are not necessarily poetic, and supress what rises in me is a bit kind of psychobabble, and loneliness my only companion has been used so many times before.
But as I said it is OK, not bad even
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| Re: Man & Woman by Mona Lisa |
18-Sep-03/12:05 PM |
the 6-7-6 one was better.
Now the first line sounds like all women rather than all they want.
And the third destroys the flow a bit.
Sorry I couldn't help, maybe if you put the first version on and asked for help someone might have an idea
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| Re: Man & Woman by Mona Lisa |
18-Sep-03/11:20 AM |
I prefer the first one even though it was not strictly a haiku. (3rd line what follows is neither)
As for 'all women', I did think that was a bit generalist. But the power of this poem is its logic how the 3rd line concludes the premises of 1 and 2.
Sorry I can't help
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| Re: a comment on reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote |
18-Sep-03/10:31 AM |
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I think I meant kind of forthright/ no nonsense/ this is your truth/ you are telling the reader/ they will be told
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| Re: on the edge of creation by nentwined |
18-Sep-03/7:30 AM |
Good this,
Like the '/s' and the brackets, a worthwhile experiment with language.
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| Re: help me love the U S A by crwncka1 |
18-Sep-03/5:39 AM |
all dogma and unargued but I quite like this.
Makes you think, has a good pace, better variety of language than usual
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| Re: reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote |
18-Sep-03/5:36 AM |
Good this, very tight, very snappy. Given a sharp voice
almost irreverent.
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| Re: The Cock crows a rooster deep by The_Third_Isis |
18-Sep-03/5:29 AM |
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creative, very vivid, the ubiquitous 'crashed planes' but also some nice new figures like 'calderas four fingers'
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| Re: Calm In The Face Of A Hurricane by scitz |
18-Sep-03/5:17 AM |
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| Re: Man & Woman by Mona Lisa |
18-Sep-03/5:15 AM |
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Like the logic of this, the play on words, the two different follows
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| Re: a comment on naive gazer by richa |
16-Sep-03/9:01 AM |
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thanks for the kind comment, and thanks for the help.
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| Re: Can you comment and vote? by LuckyJoe |
16-Sep-03/7:19 AM |
I'll give you a zero if you really want.
I guess you want comments on your 'serious' poems rathey than this one right?
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| Re: maternal-infant bonding (rejection) by SupremeDreamer |
11-Sep-03/12:34 PM |
like this,
kind of rough, remorseless talking to the reader.
like punk/ like beat.
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| Re: Style by Nicholas Jones |
11-Sep-03/12:31 PM |
good this,
the last verse does get a little rantish, I do like the last line, kind of forelorn I think.
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| Re: Help The Aged by Mr Pig |
9-Sep-03/9:17 AM |
'atonic lips' and other such rare usage words are not really needed.
The best parts of this poem are the little insights:
the dead mans plant (old people tend to live longer if they are given a plant to look after by the way)
the he is good 'adjusted'
the alms house, that looking after the old is 'charity' and not the responsibility of everyone.
a good piece
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| Re: Insight by Moniquesuvee |
9-Sep-03/9:06 AM |
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Last two couplets are too 'mushy'. The first two are rather good. I like the semi-surreal quality
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| Re: Black & White by Irischer Junge |
9-Sep-03/9:03 AM |
this poems major problem is that it is so dull.
If you could fit something interesting into the nicely constructed verses it would be OK.
vis a vis the last line, am I to believe that usually the only way you get so much 'glee' is if you have more than one girl?
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| Re: Can you believe this piece of shit was #1? by horus8 |
9-Sep-03/8:52 AM |
yes, teams of editors tend to pick 'competition' style poems that noeone will argue too much about. Editors just distill.
Anyway I will rank your poem later, what score do you want?
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| Re: At a hotel room in Royal Oak by horus8 |
9-Sep-03/8:41 AM |
good this, I meant to comment when you wrote it but my computer crashed.
Of all your poems this one and the if people still dont know why people hate america they should get out some more one are ones that I keep remembering
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