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naive gazer (Free verse) by richa As blunt as a hammer pounded on steel
he draws the stars positions
cutting the centimetre lines of his notebook,
with no knowledge
of the hidden push and pull of gravitation
the planets exert.
And if he should swap his stars with words,
his eyes for a mouth
as pale as a painted stage-prop lantern.
Should he offend
it would surely be meant no more than
his coldness.
Up the ladder:
suppose (a warm sun)
Down the ladder:
Of Gifts
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.636364
Posted: September 16, 2003 7:09 AM PDT; Last modified: September 16, 2003 8:45 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.818182 Overall Rank: 372 Comments:
9. nicely done. [Or I'm in a good mood this morning, but I don't quite think it's that]
thanks for the kind comment, and thanks for the help.
Beautiful. I have no complaints, and the poem seemed consistently good, no whimpy stanzas.
richa!! give me verb, oh please, oh please:
"And if he should swap his stars with words, his eyes for a mouth as pale as a painted stage-prop lantern."
That's a swell fever blister.
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why a comma after hidden?
and a semicolon after swap?
and a comma after meant?
I think I like this poem but for its structure. or the punctuation. if you're going to have so much, why not actually match it up the way it's "supposed" to go? (or if you're tossing it in randomly, is that meant to be a comment on the stars? everything else seems deliberate...?)
6 as is.