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naive gazer

Member since 2002 · Posted 16 Sep 2003 · Edited 16 Sep 2003 · 6 comments

As blunt as a hammer pounded on steel he draws the stars positions cutting the centimetre lines of his notebook, with no knowledge of the hidden push and pull of gravitation the planets exert. And if he should swap his stars with words, his eyes for a mouth as pale as a painted stage-prop lantern. Should he offend it would surely be meant no more than his coldness.

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mean 8.64 weighted 6.82 rank 366 views 287 View voting details →

11 votes so far. Yours would make 12.11 votes so far

6 comments

[9] nentwined 16-Sep-03/7:18 AM Reply

"the case of the naive gazer *is* aligning the stars*? or... the case? no, I just don't get that.

why a comma after hidden?

and a semicolon after swap?

and a comma after meant?

I think I like this poem but for its structure. or the punctuation. if you're going to have so much, why not actually match it up the way it's "supposed" to go? (or if you're tossing it in randomly, is that meant to be a comment on the stars? everything else seems deliberate...?)

6 as is.

[9] nentwined 16-Sep-03/8:56 AM Reply

9. nicely done. [Or I'm in a good mood this morning, but I don't quite think it's that]

[n/a] richa › nentwined 16-Sep-03/9:01 AM Reply

thanks for the kind comment, and thanks for the help.

[10] http://mulberryfairy 16-Sep-03/9:47 AM Reply

Beautiful. I have no complaints, and the poem seemed consistently good, no whimpy stanzas.

[n/a] <~> 16-Sep-03/11:58 AM Reply

richa!! give me verb, oh please, oh please:

"And if he should swap his stars with words,
his eyes for a mouth

as pale as a painted stage-prop lantern."

[0] Bachus 16-Sep-03/10:52 PM Reply

That's a swell fever blister.