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naive gazer (Free verse) by richa

As blunt as a hammer pounded on steel he draws the stars positions cutting the centimetre lines of his notebook, with no knowledge of the hidden push and pull of gravitation the planets exert. And if he should swap his stars with words, his eyes for a mouth as pale as a painted stage-prop lantern. Should he offend it would surely be meant no more than his coldness.

nentwined 16-Sep-03/7:18 AM
"the case of the naive gazer *is* aligning the stars*? or... the case? no, I just don't get that.

why a comma after hidden?

and a semicolon after swap?

and a comma after meant?

I think I like this poem but for its structure. or the punctuation. if you're going to have so much, why not actually match it up the way it's "supposed" to go? (or if you're tossing it in randomly, is that meant to be a comment on the stars? everything else seems deliberate...?)

6 as is.




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