replying on rainfall saga 7 by Bill Z Bub
24 Oct 2003, 12:48 AM
Difficult to write a soothing poem when the reader needs to do so much work following it.
on 3am by Nicholas Jones
23 Oct 2003, 7:47 AM
Not much to add to that, very good observation
replying on Go On a Business Trip by abecedarian
23 Oct 2003, 7:44 AM
Thats certainly how I read it, so the poem has certainly done its job(to follow on your metaphor)
on My Time by J.B. Manning
23 Oct 2003, 7:11 AM
cancers are not like a tumour they are a tumour if they are in the brain.
on Behind My Blue Eyes (rough draft) by Mona Lisa
23 Oct 2003, 7:03 AM
Using the word soul is too abstract, you can not expect the reader to understand your conception of it.
Beautiful on the surface/but if you swim in me....
the following should be why you are not beautiful, not about caressing islands.
I think carress islands should come before 'but if you swim in me'
It is a rough draft, but I would not comment if I thought it was meritless, I think you have some nice images and although the idea is a bit worn I'm sure you can polish it up a bit.
Beautiful on the surface/but if you swim in me....
the following should be why you are not beautiful, not about caressing islands.
I think carress islands should come before 'but if you swim in me'
It is a rough draft, but I would not comment if I thought it was meritless, I think you have some nice images and although the idea is a bit worn I'm sure you can polish it up a bit.
replying on falling in with the wrong crowd. by richa
23 Oct 2003, 6:56 AM
I'm a bit confused myself.
The image is light, but I was thinking of a magpie flying across with a jewel reflecting the light.
The image is to tease the reader, a diamond cutting like on an industrial lathe/ no it is light like a diamond/ no the diamond exists but the light is what cuts.
The image is light, but I was thinking of a magpie flying across with a jewel reflecting the light.
The image is to tease the reader, a diamond cutting like on an industrial lathe/ no it is light like a diamond/ no the diamond exists but the light is what cuts.
on Autumn At All Saints Church by Caducus
23 Oct 2003, 6:52 AM
Like the line 'sun hangs like salem heretics'
Especially with the church theme, not so much an image I guess as a comment.
'Am I trespassing on God' is a nice comment to explore(perhaps a bit more).
The images though good are rather arbitrary.
Word choice I think should make the reader ask why you included certain details and not others, and should strike deep at the meaning of the poem.
Definitely a poem with merit though.
Especially with the church theme, not so much an image I guess as a comment.
'Am I trespassing on God' is a nice comment to explore(perhaps a bit more).
The images though good are rather arbitrary.
Word choice I think should make the reader ask why you included certain details and not others, and should strike deep at the meaning of the poem.
Definitely a poem with merit though.
on falling in with the wrong crowd. by richa
23 Oct 2003, 6:40 AM
About people having a basic humanity to themselves behind the diktats of the environment (a metaphor)
Wanted to put a bit about a senile old woman (always looking into the light to carry on the metaphor). And how she would look after cats or the like though she had no memory of why.
Wanted to put a bit about a senile old woman (always looking into the light to carry on the metaphor). And how she would look after cats or the like though she had no memory of why.
on When I say I'm a 14 yr old girl I mean 75 year old man by Shardik
20 Oct 2003, 9:14 AM
especially like that someone pretending to be a 14 yr old girl and suggesting someone to 'pull on my whiskers'
Reminds me of little red riding hood.
Reminds me of little red riding hood.
replying on Blue Collar Beat by Big Daddy
16 Oct 2003, 2:34 PM
check out the horus8 home page
on Pet Hatreds by Bobjim
16 Oct 2003, 7:37 AM
He'll be back for the nails!
I like this, clever but why did his pet hatreds leave when he bought the nails.
I like this, clever but why did his pet hatreds leave when he bought the nails.
replying on Bus Fare Home by peaceseeker
16 Oct 2003, 7:34 AM
Yes you pretend you are thick just so all the other thikos like you.
But why do you let your mask slip
But why do you let your mask slip
on Kites, Gunpowder, and a Chair by Geschäftsreise
16 Oct 2003, 7:28 AM
Yep like it, especially the way the last line makes everything clear.
A little bit patronising and racist though.
A little bit patronising and racist though.
on paint brush by ~ska~
16 Oct 2003, 7:23 AM
like the paint brush theme too, not sure about the decorating cliche stripping off.
Oh yes and rhyming for the sake of it will not impress anyone, and is most likely to take your poem in a direction you do not mean and waste your time.
Oh yes and rhyming for the sake of it will not impress anyone, and is most likely to take your poem in a direction you do not mean and waste your time.
on Nudesflash by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
16 Oct 2003, 7:19 AM
strippers are old nudes, and that does not bare thinking about
on Why? by MercedezDream
14 Oct 2003, 7:44 AM
Out of all the rhymes to steal you take bitch and itch from some pink song?
on Dancing on Glass by thepinkbunnyofdoom
14 Oct 2003, 7:32 AM
some good lines, but the images seem to come out of nowhere, difficult to get a handle on
I thought mid sentence line breaks only worked when it sets up an expectation, this does not really do that.
It is quite soothing but I think the line breaks interrupt the feeling.