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Behind My Blue Eyes (rough draft) (Free verse) by Mona Lisa
Like light on the azure oceans I may look beautiful on the surface, But if you swim in me, If you drown in my emotions You will see me crash upon rocks, You will see me caress islands But like a tide I must retreat, For I am ever changing, And you my love are the coral which cuts me, The sloping sand I cannot reach The crying gull, The perfect beach. Beneath my skin there are layers of soul And you touch my skin with a hunger, But you starve my soul my love. Talk to me and tell me why, You think our love will never die, Tell me why I am unique Be my strength when I am weak, My constant sun, my shepherding moon, My winter sky, my warming June Only then will I be whole.

Up the ladder: Cold
Down the ladder: My Apology

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.5
Weighted score: 6.8276463
Overall Rank: 364
Posted: October 23, 2003 4:40 AM PDT; Last modified: October 23, 2003 4:40 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] fuzzylogicisagimp @ 195.157.153.253 | 23-Oct-03/5:29 AM | Reply
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
0074C001

http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.jsp?action=decode&thecode=0074C001


[8] richa @ 81.178.233.127 | 23-Oct-03/7:03 AM | Reply
Using the word soul is too abstract, you can not expect the reader to understand your conception of it.

Beautiful on the surface/but if you swim in me....

the following should be why you are not beautiful, not about caressing islands.

I think carress islands should come before 'but if you swim in me'

It is a rough draft, but I would not comment if I thought it was meritless, I think you have some nice images and although the idea is a bit worn I'm sure you can polish it up a bit.
[8] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 23-Oct-03/12:36 PM | Reply
God, you give me such a throbbing boner.
[8] god'swife @ 67.73.29.188 | 23-Oct-03/12:44 PM | Reply
Lovely, needs some tidying up, but that's all. Please please get rid of the qoutation marks at the end. Oh, it's like wearing white platformed sandals with black hose. In fact if you toss that entire last line out, the poem would be the better for it. You've already brought the soul in at the first line of that stanza. Leave it be.
[10] sliver @ 63.189.17.119 | 9-Nov-03/9:29 AM | Reply
Is there anyone besides me who can do that? I doubt it.
[9] Bachus @ 24.126.116.54 | 16-Nov-03/1:39 AM | Reply
You are unique, and I need not tell you why. you are a wonderful mother, and an exceptional lover.
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