| Re: Coloured waifs home by horus8 |
12-Jun-03/10:41 AM |
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yes a good haiku wistful is a word everyone seems to use. I think it apt
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| Re: Iceman by Kitch |
12-Jun-03/10:45 AM |
not a bad try at all
I would say however your use of words such as soul and truth is perhaps unqualified with argument and image
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
13-Jun-03/10:35 AM |
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i like the last verse best
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| Re: Touchdown by Mona Lisa |
13-Jun-03/10:39 AM |
not sure about use of pale killer/ eternal youth
but i like the middle what is grief....
some of the big words and modern words tend to erode its sentiment i think
some good stuff though
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| Re: Goddess of the vineyard by INTRANSIT |
13-Jun-03/10:41 AM |
yes nice logic/ flow
a bit in the spirit of an extended haiku
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| Re: How I fuck Freud off in the shower by horus8 |
13-Jun-03/10:43 AM |
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| Re: Once by phoenixxx |
14-Jun-03/10:29 AM |
I guess you've rubbed someone up the wrong way the sheer number of zeros you get is quite impressive
I do think these poems need a lot more personal thought and insight though they seem a bit assinine
and the statements seem unqualified
I got loads of bad marks when i first came on here. I guess you have to read the work of your audience and learn some lessons from it
Then if you get good you can do your own thing again a nd be pretentious like a proper artist!
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| Re: In (ghazal) by INTRANSIT |
14-Jun-03/10:40 AM |
Interesting to us something modern and consumer as a truck to illustrate 'the beauty of the all'
I think the snappy sentences work well and fit together there is nothing too obvious to make me cringe here
a pleasant read
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| Re: Sittin Here by psikosis |
14-Jun-03/10:42 AM |
No, this is too obvious the rhyme/ the sentiment
Try get to the root of the feeling and its relation to other things
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| Re: once again by John by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
14-Jun-03/10:45 AM |
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I dont understand your motivation for writing this.
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| Re: One Night Stand by Audaciouslilgrl |
14-Jun-03/10:48 AM |
I do feel this a bit
but it is rather ordinary
good try though
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| Re: The Contract (2nd draft) by scitz |
17-Jun-03/10:45 AM |
a couple of nice beat esque bits
'like we believe in a politician' and asterisk....
the end doesn't need to be so definitive though
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| Re: The Bastard Earth by Kitch |
17-Jun-03/10:51 AM |
a bit didactic and part of the end verse was far too 'ricki lake'
but some good parts second verse is thought provoking but perhaps a bit clumsy
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| Re: Air sickness bag by Shardik |
17-Jun-03/10:52 AM |
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| Re: Lycanthropes and L-dopamine by horus8 |
17-Jun-03/10:54 AM |
lycanthropic being wierwolf
i'm glad i realised
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| Re: It's funny by Dangzter |
17-Jun-03/11:10 AM |
a fairly standard structure but i enjoyes this
try to lose mentioning a 50 yr old man twice
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| Re: A meeting at Maverick, then dinner. by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
18-Jun-03/12:57 PM |
i didn't read the content
the rhyme and random words i read were quite good though
and i like the spirit of haiku
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Jun-03/12:59 PM |
sweet light and enjoyable
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| Re: To What Ends by daniella |
19-Jun-03/10:06 AM |
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this flows very well, like a story really
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| Re: The truths of war by DeadtotheWorld |
19-Jun-03/10:09 AM |
language perhaps loses its own power as it is phrased in 'anarchy movement' terms.
I think the best types of these poems are perhaps a bit more subversive
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