on Once they were gliders. by half.italian
9 Sep 2006, 10:05 PM
Pretty cool, I'll have to come back to this later for a proper read of it :-)
replying on weather poem part 9: song for gloria by nypoet22
9 Sep 2006, 10:04 PM
I noticed that most of yours started with the same line (which I thought was a top opening line) so I was quite surprised when this one didn't.
Makes you wonder how people start conversations in countries where the weather's the same all year round, really.
Makes you wonder how people start conversations in countries where the weather's the same all year round, really.
replying on Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger
9 Sep 2006, 12:56 PM
Thanks, but in hindsight this poem, and virtually everything I said in the comments, is a monstrous embarassment for me. It wasn't particularly bright, and neither was I :-( I only keep it as a record of how I've improved.
replying on Hailing Miriam by Ranger
9 Sep 2006, 12:53 PM
Thank you :-) I don't think anyone's yet told me they picked up one the history (but I wrote it more than half an hour ago, so my memory isn't going to be that reliable a guide...) You got the Miriam/Mary bit?
replying on Exposing Anne Frank by Caducus
9 Sep 2006, 12:38 PM
What makes you ask that?
on Products of Pacifisim by Nuit
9 Sep 2006, 12:33 PM
So are you saying that religious wars make for a more interesting life? That's what I'm taking from this poem.
on weather poem part 9: song for gloria by nypoet22
9 Sep 2006, 12:31 PM
The story in here is good - from experience (partly/entirely)? I tend to find that lyrics are difficult to rate in purely written form; their effectiveness is substantially down to the music involved. The following song is the ultimate example of it - average poetry, but utterly stunning when set to music:
http://www.lyricscafe.com/p/porcupine_tr
(beware popups...) for the lyrics, if you can download it, the band is Porcupine Tree and the song is Heartattack In A Layby.
**shameless plug over**
What's the deal with the title - 'weather poem'?
http://www.lyricscafe.com/p/porcupine_tr
(beware popups...) for the lyrics, if you can download it, the band is Porcupine Tree and the song is Heartattack In A Layby.
**shameless plug over**
What's the deal with the title - 'weather poem'?
replying on With Old Light by Ranger
8 Sep 2006, 11:53 PM
I may have got this far, but there's still a long way to go yet...
Metre is where I usually fall down, I'm still coming to terms with words not doing everything I want them to, precisely when I want them to ;-) I'll work on getting the stresses right (it may take a while though...)
Perhaps I should change the opening stanza to something less pictorial? Stanza 6 is going, when next I edit this, and I really like Niphredil's idea for altering the final stanza, so maybe if I just keep 2, 3, 4 and 5 they'll have plenty enough images to see the poem through. It's a wrench to leave out some lines, but I'll save them for another outing, methinks ;-)
Metre is where I usually fall down, I'm still coming to terms with words not doing everything I want them to, precisely when I want them to ;-) I'll work on getting the stresses right (it may take a while though...)
Perhaps I should change the opening stanza to something less pictorial? Stanza 6 is going, when next I edit this, and I really like Niphredil's idea for altering the final stanza, so maybe if I just keep 2, 3, 4 and 5 they'll have plenty enough images to see the poem through. It's a wrench to leave out some lines, but I'll save them for another outing, methinks ;-)
on weather poem part 11: the muffin by nypoet22
8 Sep 2006, 11:39 PM
The first line is class and the imagery in here is pretty unique to the subject, I think. Lines 8 and 9, although fun, seem a little...erm...simple, maybe, in comparison with the rest? The content is good there but I'd have preferred it to be rephrased. Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed this :-)
on End of day poem by ecargo
8 Sep 2006, 11:34 PM
Love some of the passages in here - 'seeds cling to stem', 'hidden labyrinths', 'curved shield of pewter sky' etc. I also like the way you begin with 'new gold' (of young grain, I assume) as opposed to the older amber light. Metre isn't my strong point, but 'over' was awkward to me, I'd have felt more comfortable with 'across', somehow. Line 13 I think should be 'Cicadas' (unless it's the churn of a cicada, not sure what you're getting at there). I do really like this though, the gentleness and natural beauty. Makes me think of home :-)
on Chronicles of a wannabe chav by Mr Pig
7 Sep 2006, 1:17 PM
Oh, mister P, once again you give us an amusing reflection on modern life. If only this could be turned into a full-length epic of beauty, barbarism and Burberry...
replying on With Old Light by Ranger
7 Sep 2006, 1:00 PM
I think, really, you're spot on. I wanted to believe that stanza 6 could work, but really knew it wouldn't - at least if I change it there'll be room for a connecting stanza. It'd also remove the temporal issue (again, you're right about and I tried to make myself think it would work).
I love the idea of making the last stanza flawed...perhaps if I changed 'free of knot or tether' it might work? I couldn't say where you might have seen this before, although I wouldn't be surprised if you've found similar in Kipling or Milne (big influences :-D). I guarantee the work is my own though ;-)
Once more, thank you for reading and suggesting ideas, you're always so kind about my writing :-)
I love the idea of making the last stanza flawed...perhaps if I changed 'free of knot or tether' it might work? I couldn't say where you might have seen this before, although I wouldn't be surprised if you've found similar in Kipling or Milne (big influences :-D). I guarantee the work is my own though ;-)
Once more, thank you for reading and suggesting ideas, you're always so kind about my writing :-)
on A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya
5 Sep 2006, 11:55 PM
Superb, another favourite :-D
on Dying Abroad by zodiac
5 Sep 2006, 11:51 PM
Unbelievably good. 'Slip sibilant...' - reference to the sound of crickets? I thought it worked well. But then again, so did the rest of the piece.
on A Year Later (edited a bit) by Sasha
5 Sep 2006, 11:40 PM
One of the best villanelles I've read on the ranker - very traditional feel to it which gets bonus points :-) I'd find an alternative for the first 'shiver' in the final stanza, and you missed the last 'to' (that's not a criticism though, just a pedantic observation ;-)) Only other whinge I have is about the exclamation marks - personally I hate them in most poetry, but you might feel they're necessary to stay in keeping with the style. That's fair enough I guess, I won't derank it on that alone.
Other than that? Stunning rhythm and it flows more or less perfectly (you might want to de-capitalise the start of line 14 to retain the grammatical consistency). This just has to be added to my favourites :-)
Other than that? Stunning rhythm and it flows more or less perfectly (you might want to de-capitalise the start of line 14 to retain the grammatical consistency). This just has to be added to my favourites :-)
replying on From Across the Line by Dovina
5 Sep 2006, 11:21 PM
Que?
on Singing by ThereseWaneck
4 Sep 2006, 11:45 PM
"A sweet sad song" didn't really seem to fit after the thunder/lightning/rock passage. Unless I missed something, which is highly plausible. I like the last three lines, but how about just "Slickly/step-step-steppin' to the storm/of the rain song's beat"?
on From Across the Line by Dovina
4 Sep 2006, 11:40 PM
Glorious
on Steve Irwin by Bobjim
4 Sep 2006, 11:40 PM
Or barbed through the heart by a stingray.
*A minute's silence at the passing of a legend*
*A minute's silence at the passing of a legend*