Re: a comment on Let this world crumble to dust without you by A_Dark_Calm	4-Sep-06/12:29 AM
7 out of 14 is damn good, particularly if you're rhyming as well. Really, I don't think you need wholesale changes in here - you keep a good continuity thread going (something I rarely manage) and whereas I usually dont like so much repetition, here it works well. Perhaps 'Let everything there is soon disappear' would be a good one to edit - one gorgeous line in every ten is normally sufficient to keep the reader going.
Re: a comment on Buttocks. by Ulterius	4-Sep-06/12:20 AM
I think maybe you've mistaken 'crude' for 'unsubtle'. The poem certainly isn't subtle, but then, good poetry doesn't have to be. On the other hand, the actual way in which this is written is rhythmically very refined indeed. I mean, come on - 'cleanliness bereft buttock' is utter genius :-)
Re: Let this world crumble to dust without you by A_Dark_Calm	4-Sep-06/12:08 AM
I love a) the title b) the rhymes c) lines 3, 4, 5, 6 and the final two d) most of the content. Don't turn it into a haiku, haikus suck most of the time whereas I personally love a good old-fashioned form :-) I do think Dovina has a point - probably because there is so much abstractness in here (universe, 'let it happen', everything etc.). If you could build in a few more solid images to give me something tactile, I would love this more :-)
Re: What makes you think I want to know you? by thepinkbunnyofdoom	4-Sep-06/12:03 AM
I dig the idea in here, but the rhythm was torturous for me. In my view, rhymes should be used to help the rhythm, not the other way round.
Re: Royal Blades by Dovina	4-Sep-06/12:00 AM
Did I catch a slight hint of smugness there? I assume the poem's about you, kudos for being able to skate; I can't. Word of warning - this poem could easily be read to carry a much more sinister meaning, if the reader has a slightly deranged mind (like mine).
Re: a comment on With Old Light by Ranger	31-Aug-06/10:18 PM
*sigh* so much for trying to write something happy. This is very much an 'English countryside' poem - there aren't that many metaphors in here (I don't think) and those that are, are supposed to all be typical country scenes. Maybe I didn't bring that across enough, and focused too much on the images. Would I get away with making this longer, if it provided some sort of linking feature? I really don't want to remove too much of what's already there, to be honest - adding extra might be the only way forward. Maybe I'll just go back to writing miserable verse ;-)
Re: Pleasure. (Leisure Spoof) by Ulterius	31-Aug-06/10:09 PM
What is this life, if led astray We haven't time for banter gay? I look forward to reading more of yours :-)
Re: Buttocks. by Ulterius	31-Aug-06/10:06 PM
Hahaha, you've somehow managed to take a subject which I didn't think was amusing any more, plus a form which I didn't think could be effective any more and give me a hearty 6am chuckle ;-) I stumbled slightly with 'Pimply', it seemed slightly disruptive to the flow (no pun intended) but that could just have been my inexpert reading of it. Next poem of this type to be entitled '-bow'ls-'.
Re: Coyote Sunsets by DamienDen	31-Aug-06/10:00 PM
Couple of minor points - there are a few too many articles in here for me, if you can get rid of 'the' in a couple of places it would work better (I think). Also needs a little more punctuation in places ('The tumble weeds the Buddhas complete in their wandering'). Nitpicking aside, super description here and some nicely fresh phrases ('broken backbones', 'spilling its sack of pearls'). Mightily enjoyable :-)
Re: Let Me Entertain You by Bethy	29-Aug-06/10:04 PM
A couple of typos - 'Twas and 'peeked'. Other than that...HA! I just wish you'd change the last line of stanza one to something more subtle; that was the only line I wasn't laughing at.
Re: a comment on On the subject of being poor by Stephen Robins	29-Aug-06/12:27 PM
I assume by that you mean this is fairly brown, but tarnished by the occasional flecks of coke white?
Re: a comment on Quatrain by ALChemy	29-Aug-06/12:25 PM
I've learned from the best that poemranker has to offer, although there's still a long way to go. I'm following your lead, really. I mean, I've seen the way your poetry has improved since your early posts - in the same way that mine has too (my early posts were far worse though ;-)). Your writing deserves maximum respect from anyone worth their while.
Re: Retail by Wakeboarder20	29-Aug-06/12:14 PM
Really good read. I swear I've seen the same title somewhere else before though.
Re: Arrival by Enkidu	29-Aug-06/12:13 PM
Intriguing - anthrax?
Re: Pane Glass Lake by MacFrantic	29-Aug-06/12:11 PM
I think 'beastial' should be 'bestial', but I could be wrong.
Re: Message sent by A_Dark_Calm	29-Aug-06/12:08 PM
Nice enough, maybe it would benefit from 'computer' being replaced with something else that fits the more traditional feel? The only other question I have is about the final line - is it addressed directly to her/him? If so, it would work better with punctuation ("for, my love, I'll already be there"). If it's just that you've played with word order ("I'll already be there for my love") then it just feels a little strained currently. The rest of the poem is fine :-)
Re: a comment on With Old Light by Ranger	27-Aug-06/12:55 PM
Yes, I see your point, especially with the shift from stanza 1 to the vineyards. I'll see what I can do about that, maybe I'll have to change the verses, maybe I can get away with putting an individual line between each verse. It didn't occur to me that the mills would make people think of Holland - I'm probably too used to them being over here. Same goes for the vineyards, I guess. Thank you for your thoughts, they are always of use :-)
Re: a comment on Ending Well by Dovina	27-Aug-06/12:33 PM
I like the end rhymes in the final two lines of stanzas 1,2 and 4. If you can keep them and work in some subtle rhymes throughout, I think it would sound marvellous.
Re: a comment on With Old Light by Ranger	27-Aug-06/12:30 PM
You may well be right - which images/passages are effective/ineffective? I'm not at all happy with stanza one or stanza six in particular, and the final two lines of stanza five suck. That being said, I wanted this to be an assortment of loosely-connected images (mostly countryside scenes) although I started it so long ago (i.e. more than a day ago) that I can't remember why I wanted that.
Re: a comment on Ending Well by Dovina	27-Aug-06/12:17 PM
I was on holiday for the last couple of weeks; I have no intention of bailing, even with all the insults that have headed my way recently. R.E. the rhymes - this feels like the sort of poem that would be very accommodating toward mid-line rhyming, just as a way of keeping a steady flow.