Poemranker [Poem: Let this world crumble to dust without you] [by A_Dark

Let this world crumble to dust without you. For I cannot imagine such a world that exists without existing about you. Instead let this planet be promptly hurled into the sun and let the sun explode, consuming all the orbs in its fury and like this let the universe unfold and let it happen in a grateful hurry. Let everything there is soon disappear. Leave nothing but an endless quiet void. For like that void I am when youâre not here and nothing here for me can be enjoyed. But be with me my love and be my wife and I shall have a universe of life.

[5] Sing4Jesus! @ 85.210.192.216 | 3-Sep-06/5:18 PM | Reply

But what about the LORD JESUS?

[n/a] A_Dark_Calm @ 71.75.188.163 > Sing4Jesus! | 3-Sep-06/11:48 PM | Reply

Jesus just called. He told me to tell you you're a butthole.

[7] Dovina @ 12.72.45.53 | 3-Sep-06/5:23 PM | Reply

"Be with me, my wife, and I shall have a universe of life." What more could I ask. The rest of the poem does drag on a bit though.

[n/a] A_Dark_Calm @ 71.75.188.163 > Dovina | 3-Sep-06/11:52 PM | Reply

I could shorten it but then it wouldn't be a sonnet.
Maybe a haiku?
World crashes into sun
The universe soon follows
still with you I live

[8] Ranger @ 86.131.53.233 | 4-Sep-06/12:08 AM | Reply

I love a) the title b) the rhymes c) lines 3, 4, 5, 6 and the final two d) most of the content. Don't turn it into a haiku, haikus suck most of the time whereas I personally love a good old-fashioned form :-) I do think Dovina has a point - probably because there is so much abstractness in here (universe, 'let it happen', everything etc.). If you could build in a few more solid images to give me something tactile, I would love this more :-)

[n/a] A_Dark_Calm @ 71.75.188.163 > Ranger | 4-Sep-06/12:23 AM | Reply

Good point. 7 aces out of 14 lines ain't too bad (assuming you like the first line as much as the title). It seems my solid images disintegrated with the universe. But you're right about it and I know it.

[8] Ranger @ 86.131.53.233 > A_Dark_Calm | 4-Sep-06/12:29 AM | Reply

7 out of 14 is damn good, particularly if you're rhyming as well. Really, I don't think you need wholesale changes in here - you keep a good continuity thread going (something I rarely manage) and whereas I usually dont like so much repetition, here it works well. Perhaps 'Let everything there is soon disappear' would be a good one to edit - one gorgeous line in every ten is normally sufficient to keep the reader going.

[7] Niphredil @ 132.68.61.185 | 5-Sep-06/1:00 AM | Reply

Two last lines reminiscent of Marlowe: "Come live with me and be my Love". Nevertheless, I still like them *winks* two thumbs up. Sonnets kick ass - people should write more of them.

Stuff to be polished:
- "grateful hurry" - doesn't work for me. Why would it be grateful if the universe is being destroyed?
- "and nothing here for me can be enjoyed" - too cumbersome.

[n/a] A_Dark_Calm @ 71.75.188.163 > Niphredil | 5-Sep-06/6:06 AM | Reply

I must agree with you. It's newly written and needs some polishing. By the way, spot on with the Marlowe reference. I had sent her that very poem just before writing this one. I'm quite impressed Niphredil.