| Re: Journeyman by Glasseyez |
14-Feb-06/2:30 AM |
'Seen four the seven seas', is that meant to be '...four of the seven seas'? Because if so I think it would work better as '...four of seven seas'. If I'm missing something obvious here, bear with me. I'm tired.
I think the grammar and structure could do with being worked on, but I like the content and images - they could do with being brought out a little more though.
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| Re: Panic Slide by MacFrantic |
14-Feb-06/2:35 AM |
Cars?
I'm not too sure about 'very long racing stripes', the 'very long' is really simplistic compared to the rest of it.
Catchy though.
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| Re: What is Love? by edgar-allen-poe-rox |
14-Feb-06/9:24 AM |
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Before I write a proper comment and risk incurring your wrath, do you want constructive criticism or will it make you rather irate if I write a less-than-flattering synopsis? I've been there myself with the first few posts; tell me what you want before I rush to conclusions here...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Feb-06/9:58 AM |
Stunning. Stanza 2 in particular.
"It haunted you/like a flamenco sky sangria-stained/where birds dive..."
Wow.
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| Re: Valentine by zodiac |
14-Feb-06/10:05 AM |
I don't know the story behind it very well, but that will have to wait for another time.
This is excellent, zodiac - another triumph for you!
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| Re: discovery by skaskowski |
14-Feb-06/10:09 AM |
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Nonsensical, but isn't that the point of this poem? I quite like the imaginings here, but then again I would.
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| Re: Winter Wonderland by raven_the_poet |
14-Feb-06/10:33 AM |
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Sounds like something that would suit a villanelle, with a little expansion.
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| Re: change (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
14-Feb-06/3:41 PM |
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Ah...it's tricky to know what to say about a haiku, particularly a short haiku (or whatever the technical name is for this structure, 3-5-2, sounds like a football formation) but this has so much scope for descriptive imagery. I want to say 'describe the hermit, describe where he's sitting, describe the leaves, describe how they're falling' etc. etc. etc. but I have this nagging feeling that it would actually detract from the purpose of this poem; it retains a clarity in its brevity that is actually quite refreshing. And I'm rambling. If only Kaolin had made a comment compressor to shift through the rubbish in my comments so as to find any kernels of usefulness that might remain.
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| Re: Valentine 2 by zodiac |
14-Feb-06/3:44 PM |
Love the description of the gunfire into trees.
Forgive my lack of historical knowledge - are the quotes factually accurate, or are they artistic license, zodiac-style?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Feb-06/1:54 AM |
Sounds like you had a shitty day.
But you have time yet. Don't lose heart.
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| Re: Down on Dogs by Bobjim |
15-Feb-06/6:36 AM |
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BJ, you're desperate to get that Orange Award back, aren't you?
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| Re: Yet another Morning Glory piss-take by Bobjim |
15-Feb-06/6:38 AM |
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Another Orange reason (parodying another user). But it made me laugh so much...
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| Re: To Bob, Love Ed by Bobjim |
15-Feb-06/6:42 AM |
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Bob, you're so fine. Really.
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| Re: Teaching Beetles To Swim by Bobjim |
15-Feb-06/6:44 AM |
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| Re: To drnick by amanda_dcosta |
15-Feb-06/6:46 AM |
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drnick, you are a privileged soul! Glorious!
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| Re: Tuna and sweetcorn by Bobjim |
15-Feb-06/6:48 AM |
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Aha! Very good, sir, very good!
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| Re: In the Land of Bob by Bobjim |
15-Feb-06/6:53 AM |
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| Re: Panic by Bobjim |
15-Feb-06/6:57 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Feb-06/6:58 AM |
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Because you're no longer here, let's not even see this pile of rubbish. Save the worst slots for genuine rubbish.
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| Re: Stealth Assassin (draft) by Mona Lisa |
16-Feb-06/3:47 AM |
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There's potential here, although I don't like stanzas 4 and 6. You could do well bringing out the sort of taint on the love (as you do in the last stanza) more, I think. As it's a draft I'll hold rating it for when it's edited.
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