on A young Man’s Demise by Dovina
16 Feb 2006, 3:53 AM
Dovina, this is excellently written, but a bit long. I can't really see anything that needs removing though, maybe I'm just impatient today.
on some deleted poem
16 Feb 2006, 3:55 AM
Makes me think of Cardiff, this wonderful city.
on The Gold and silver dress by Caducus
16 Feb 2006, 9:22 AM
Beautiful, stanza 3 in particular.
Change 'dawn's knives' to something softer.
Change 'dawn's knives' to something softer.
on Together they Fell by Fayt
16 Feb 2006, 9:26 AM
I like the story in this, although I feel it would benefit from more descriptive language. 'Huge pole' is very simplistic and doesn't feel right in this; even just saying 'concrete pole' puts a little more imagery into this. See what you think.
on Historical Epic by Bobjim
16 Feb 2006, 12:32 PM
Somehow made me laugh; in my simple way. I think it's picturing as a kangaroo.
Kangaroos bloody always cheat. Except for when they're playing chicken with cars. They tend not to then, for some reason...
Kangaroos bloody always cheat. Except for when they're playing chicken with cars. They tend not to then, for some reason...
on Gunsong by MacFrantic
18 Feb 2006, 1:25 PM
This is excellently structured and the content is also of high quality. Stanza III line 7 doesn't quite make sense to me - the Earth appears to be calling the demons 'graves', I must be missing something there. Other than that, I like the imagery.
Last three lines are superb.
Last three lines are superb.
on some deleted poem
18 Feb 2006, 1:27 PM
This was great fun to read.
Now do some ranking yourself!
Now do some ranking yourself!
on After a Show at the Lyceum by andrew barnes
18 Feb 2006, 1:34 PM
Yes, I like this. I'm not sure about 'father-like', it doesn't quite seem to work, other than that, nice!
on FAT BALLET- PAS DE DEUX by andrew barnes
18 Feb 2006, 1:35 PM
Amusing, quite witty and good fun.
I'd rather see an alternative to the 'cleverly/severally' rhyme, but that's my only real gripe.
I'd rather see an alternative to the 'cleverly/severally' rhyme, but that's my only real gripe.
This is a fantastic villanelle, very well-written and extremely vivid. The only thing I would change is removing one of the 'ands' in line 7, maybe changing it to something like 'Now that it has grown late and I am free...' (a bit clumsy-sounding actually, but you get the picture).
'Weather-worn caresses'? Beautiful.
'Weather-worn caresses'? Beautiful.
on Without my Glasses by Niphredil
19 Feb 2006, 2:25 AM
Very readable indeed, although I couldn't tell from experience if this is at all accurate; I shall take your word for it.
on some deleted poem
19 Feb 2006, 3:54 PM
Stanza 4 = very good.
Line 11 'its'.
Nicely picturesque, if such a word can be used for poetry, although I have a couple of ideas about what you could be referring to in this one and I'm not sure which might be the right one.
Line 11 'its'.
Nicely picturesque, if such a word can be used for poetry, although I have a couple of ideas about what you could be referring to in this one and I'm not sure which might be the right one.
Sadly the world rarely slumbers in dreams of tranquility, but the occasion would be a wonderful thing. Anyway, this is very softly written and I like it. Personally I'd change 'velvety' to simply 'velvet' because that entire analogy is very good. Again, I like the way you refer to the moon, although I think that you could find something better than 'phosphorescent' - just my opinion though.
Sadly the line 'pecan brown treasures' made me think solely of -=Dark_Angel=-, quite a shame as it's a lovely line. -=D_A=-, you have tainted my reading of poetry with your embrowning.
Actually, I'd quite like to see him use that line in a poem(e)...
Sadly the line 'pecan brown treasures' made me think solely of -=Dark_Angel=-, quite a shame as it's a lovely line. -=D_A=-, you have tainted my reading of poetry with your embrowning.
Actually, I'd quite like to see him use that line in a poem(e)...
on Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy
19 Feb 2006, 4:12 PM
Line 8 - is it meant to be 'cry out "Swim..."'? That would seem to make more sense to me. I like 'mothering sun', I take it that is a semi-play on 'mothering sunday'? It makes that passage a neat little metaphor for life.
I'm not totally sure about the last line, in a way it unbalances the 'positive/negative' equilibrium of this piece.
I'm not totally sure about the last line, in a way it unbalances the 'positive/negative' equilibrium of this piece.
on The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick
20 Feb 2006, 4:54 AM
Did you ever read my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'? Because I know precisely what you mean here (somewhat ironically, given the context of the poem). I like how you've dealt with the idea of everyone's interpretation of a poem being correct - especially after the poet's death, and how we tend to be overly praising of a poet posthumously ('He will misspell words/But only in pretend/His rhymes lie perfect'). Very creatively done, and pleasantly concise.
on some deleted poem
20 Feb 2006, 4:56 AM
'She got to be her, and I didn't...'
You seem a bit annoyed at the moment!
You seem a bit annoyed at the moment!
on Pancakes by raven_the_poet
20 Feb 2006, 5:01 AM
A very charming little tribute, the last stanza made me chuckle. As a student, pancakes are a long-lost joy but I swear in time that will change.
On a slightly different note, it reminded me of Bush's speech about America being addicted to oil, very topical indeed.
On a slightly different note, it reminded me of Bush's speech about America being addicted to oil, very topical indeed.
on Ben Fogle by Stephen Robins
20 Feb 2006, 5:02 AM
An unsung hero. Until now.
on A Broken man by Mikius
20 Feb 2006, 5:17 AM
Makes me think that it should perhaps be a collection of haikus; the natural imagery fits the bill perfectly. Personally I'd change 'Trampled underfoot', as a phrase it's very worn.
It took me a second read to realise the 'leaves in fall' bit, I'm not as quick with Americanisms as you are, but it works beautifully.
It took me a second read to realise the 'leaves in fall' bit, I'm not as quick with Americanisms as you are, but it works beautifully.