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Gunsong (Free verse) by MacFrantic
-I- The sea sickles Tears and eats the shore Culls the frigid burrs Of plants more often wintry Than all the spiky seeds of summer -II- Upon the twirling bay Stand columned ghouls Stretched like a phantom totem pole Reaching outward and upward To gather all the rays of sun Where they sway as death sways As she drifts -III- It was a harmless guarantee A suicide of pixies When she embraced the trigger And soliloquized on faith Of all hallowed floods Where demons withdraw For the Earth to call them graves And sleep to a purring gun’s song -IV- Oh shame be strong Like drunken feral fevers That write white lines Of honesty in shapes unseen And mock the selfless prayer To see the pinnacle fall Into what the ocean like lithe Branches happens to be Alive and frequently mortal

Up the ladder: Electricity
Down the ladder: The Reply

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Weighted score: 5.1490035
Overall Rank: 5253
Posted: February 17, 2006 8:16 PM PST; Last modified: February 17, 2006 8:16 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 18-Feb-06/1:25 PM | Reply
This is excellently structured and the content is also of high quality. Stanza III line 7 doesn't quite make sense to me - the Earth appears to be calling the demons 'graves', I must be missing something there. Other than that, I like the imagery.
Last three lines are superb.
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 18-Feb-06/6:02 PM | Reply
I take it as a video game from Verse 3. "Doom" maybe. So much of it is lyrical, but without coherence, that I think it's a dream, or game, or drug trip.
[8] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 20-Feb-06/7:53 AM | Reply
Really interesting and fresh images. Some of it gets a little too self-consciously "poetic" for me, but you keep the language pretty simple which helps it from becoming overly flowery. Somethings get a little blurry:

"plants more often wintry
Than all the spiky seeds of summer " ? More wintry than the . . . seeds of summer are wintry? I don't think that's what you mean, but it's what you say. Do you need "phantom" given that you have "ghouls" already? How's a "suicide of pixies" a "harmless guarantee"--things like that. Cool, overall though--I'd like more coherence, but it's original and you've got something good to work with.



[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 21-Feb-06/6:38 AM | Reply
I've just had a reread of this and I have to admit that 'Alive and frequently mortal' has to be one of my favourite lines on this site. Class.
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