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You (Free verse) by terbenaw I gaze upon the night's pale eye
Its incandescent illumination
Invigorating my being
As I think of you
Your face
Enchantingly beautiful
Captivates my vision
And Earth's shadowy blanket
Coupled with its luminous jewels
Serves as your backdrop
Your eyes, twin windows
Into glimpses of Heaven
Shine with innocence
And love unfettered
Promises of forever hinted
In pecan brown treasures
A winter wind whispers
In my ear, carrying a voice
Rich with velvet warmth that dances
Within the confines of its cool exterior
As its gentle caress tickles my mouth
Sensory recollections surface
Of soft lips upon my own
Its edges curled upwards
Into a smile
The breeze diminishes
And the world slumbers in dreams
Of tranquility, yet still I think of you
I wonder if you're out here with me somewhere
Under the watchful eye of the night
Up the ladder:
:: a stroll
Down the ladder:
Disposal and Liberation
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: February 19, 2006 1:48 PM PST; Last modified: May 13, 2006 3:07 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.9525743 Overall Rank: 8808 Comments:
Any opinions on the change from
Its phosphorescent brightness Illuminating my being to Its incandescent illumination Invigorating my being?
Incandescent is better; somehow gives me an image of a candle being held to the moon - if it were my poem I'd try and bring that picture out in the first stanza, but it may not work for you. I'm still not a huge fan of the third line - it feels too long (at least the way I read it). Again, if it were my poem I'd change it to something like 'Its incandescent illumination/A gentle wash/As I think of you'. That way it would slightly tone down the first-person aspect of stanza 1, which I find a bit strong, and detract neither from the description in line 2, nor from line 4.
Anyway, keep this one coming, it's looking good! 261 view(s)
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Sadly the line 'pecan brown treasures' made me think solely of -=Dark_Angel=-, quite a shame as it's a lovely line. -=D_A=-, you have tainted my reading of poetry with your embrowning.
Actually, I'd quite like to see him use that line in a poem(e)...
Now, you evidently want other people to comment/critique this, but I've had a look at your profile, and if the comment count includes comments on your own works (which I think it does), you've only made 5 comments on poems not by you. If you want others to make the effort on your poems, you have to first give them some feedback - even if it's just to say whether you liked/disliked their poems and why. You don't need to give a full-on analysis of a poem in order for the writer to appreciate you spending the time to look at their work.
Right, I'm giving this an 8 because it has some very nice passages and is pretty well structured. I still don't like 'phosphorescent', but I'm sure not everyone will agree with me there.
Peace