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You (Free verse) by terbenaw
I gaze upon the night's pale eye Its incandescent illumination Invigorating my being As I think of you Your face Enchantingly beautiful Captivates my vision And Earth's shadowy blanket Coupled with its luminous jewels Serves as your backdrop Your eyes, twin windows Into glimpses of Heaven Shine with innocence And love unfettered Promises of forever hinted In pecan brown treasures A winter wind whispers In my ear, carrying a voice Rich with velvet warmth that dances Within the confines of its cool exterior As its gentle caress tickles my mouth Sensory recollections surface Of soft lips upon my own Its edges curled upwards Into a smile The breeze diminishes And the world slumbers in dreams Of tranquility, yet still I think of you I wonder if you're out here with me somewhere Under the watchful eye of the night

Down the ladder: Up Close at a Distance

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 00
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.9525743
Overall Rank: 8797
Posted: February 19, 2006 1:48 PM PST; Last modified: May 13, 2006 3:07 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 19-Feb-06/4:02 PM | Reply
Sadly the world rarely slumbers in dreams of tranquility, but the occasion would be a wonderful thing. Anyway, this is very softly written and I like it. Personally I'd change 'velvety' to simply 'velvet' because that entire analogy is very good. Again, I like the way you refer to the moon, although I think that you could find something better than 'phosphorescent' - just my opinion though.
Sadly the line 'pecan brown treasures' made me think solely of -=Dark_Angel=-, quite a shame as it's a lovely line. -=D_A=-, you have tainted my reading of poetry with your embrowning.
Actually, I'd quite like to see him use that line in a poem(e)...
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Ranger | 24-Feb-06/5:33 AM | Reply
Okay, I see you've changed 'velvety' now, I think it works better. Did you alter anything else?
Now, you evidently want other people to comment/critique this, but I've had a look at your profile, and if the comment count includes comments on your own works (which I think it does), you've only made 5 comments on poems not by you. If you want others to make the effort on your poems, you have to first give them some feedback - even if it's just to say whether you liked/disliked their poems and why. You don't need to give a full-on analysis of a poem in order for the writer to appreciate you spending the time to look at their work.
Right, I'm giving this an 8 because it has some very nice passages and is pretty well structured. I still don't like 'phosphorescent', but I'm sure not everyone will agree with me there.
Peace
[n/a] terbenaw @ 71.138.184.201 > Ranger | 25-Feb-06/1:24 PM | Reply
Thanks for the heads up... I wonder if 'incandescent' would make a better choice there than phosphorescent...
[n/a] terbenaw @ 71.138.184.201 | 25-Feb-06/1:29 PM | Reply
Any opinions on the change from

Its phosphorescent brightness
Illuminating my being

to

Its incandescent illumination
Invigorating my being?
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > terbenaw | 25-Feb-06/2:33 PM | Reply
Incandescent is better; somehow gives me an image of a candle being held to the moon - if it were my poem I'd try and bring that picture out in the first stanza, but it may not work for you. I'm still not a huge fan of the third line - it feels too long (at least the way I read it). Again, if it were my poem I'd change it to something like 'Its incandescent illumination/A gentle wash/As I think of you'. That way it would slightly tone down the first-person aspect of stanza 1, which I find a bit strong, and detract neither from the description in line 2, nor from line 4.
Anyway, keep this one coming, it's looking good!
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