Replying to a comment on:

You (Free verse) by terbenaw

I gaze upon the night's pale eye Its incandescent illumination Invigorating my being As I think of you Your face Enchantingly beautiful Captivates my vision And Earth's shadowy blanket Coupled with its luminous jewels Serves as your backdrop Your eyes, twin windows Into glimpses of Heaven Shine with innocence And love unfettered Promises of forever hinted In pecan brown treasures A winter wind whispers In my ear, carrying a voice Rich with velvet warmth that dances Within the confines of its cool exterior As its gentle caress tickles my mouth Sensory recollections surface Of soft lips upon my own Its edges curled upwards Into a smile The breeze diminishes And the world slumbers in dreams Of tranquility, yet still I think of you I wonder if you're out here with me somewhere Under the watchful eye of the night

Ranger 25-Feb-06/2:33 PM
Incandescent is better; somehow gives me an image of a candle being held to the moon - if it were my poem I'd try and bring that picture out in the first stanza, but it may not work for you. I'm still not a huge fan of the third line - it feels too long (at least the way I read it). Again, if it were my poem I'd change it to something like 'Its incandescent illumination/A gentle wash/As I think of you'. That way it would slightly tone down the first-person aspect of stanza 1, which I find a bit strong, and detract neither from the description in line 2, nor from line 4.
Anyway, keep this one coming, it's looking good!




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001