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Together they Fell (Free verse) by Fayt
And so it falls, a tear from her ocean blue eyes, He was perfect she told herself, He was everything I wanted, Everything I dreamed of, But now he’s gone, He’s not here, And will never return. And so it falls, a tear from his pure brown eyes, She will never be back, She will never return, She was everything I wanted, All that I needed, But she is gone, And left me for dead. And so they fall, tears from each of their blank faces as they head to the city bridge, The bridge which stood so high that some swear they have touched the clouds, They both peer off the edge, about 5 yards apart, A huge pole separates the two broken hearts, They could not see each other; They each whispered a parting prayer, and then simultaneously they jumped, Never having a second thought. And so they fell, two broken hearts falling side by side, The young man looks to his right, the young girl looks to her left, In midair their eyes connect, and they realize it, Each revealing to the other the face of true love, It is easy to see in the adjacent eyes that they are perfect together, That they are complete. And so they fall, further down into the empty air, Heading for a freezing cold ocean, Slowly they raise smiles to each other, And each raises a hand towards the other; Their hands connect and they fall together hand in hand. And so they fell, only feet now from the icy ocean, They hit the water and break its plane in chorus, It’s too late for them, death upon impact, Floating on top of the freezing water still hand in hand, Before slowly sinking into the abyss of the ocean deep. As they fell together, they both thought it was worth it, Finding love was all they ever wanted out of life, They had found all they ever dreamed of, Falling, together, to their deaths.

Up the ladder: Whispers the Pariah
Down the ladder: The Perception's Play

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7893
Posted: February 16, 2006 8:40 AM PST; Last modified: February 16, 2006 8:40 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 16-Feb-06/9:26 AM | Reply
I like the story in this, although I feel it would benefit from more descriptive language. 'Huge pole' is very simplistic and doesn't feel right in this; even just saying 'concrete pole' puts a little more imagery into this. See what you think.
[n/a] Fayt @ 141.157.35.222 > Ranger | 16-Feb-06/11:08 AM | Reply
Thank you very much for the tip.

You are completely right about the imagery used, rereading it I actually find it hard to believe i used "huge pole".

I will change it for any future uses.

Much Thanks.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Fayt | 16-Feb-06/11:42 AM | Reply
No worries, that's what this place is for!
I was just reading through it again and I'd be interested to see if this works better as a prose poem; it is essentially a story in style, but not format. Maybe you'd consider writing it out in story form and then adding the adjectives etc. I remember seeing someone on here saying that's what they do, it might have been ALChemy, or perhaps zodiac (or maybe my memory has gone altogether...). In any case, if you have the time then give it a go - see what you come up with.
[n/a] Fayt @ 141.157.35.222 > Ranger | 28-Feb-06/10:15 AM | Reply
did what you asked for..

tell me what you think. :)

its a first attempt so im looking forward to the critiscisms.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 16-Feb-06/3:44 PM | Reply
And old tear-jerker told well. The last line is not needed, but the rest is - love, that is - needed.
[n/a] Fayt @ 141.157.35.222 > Dovina | 2-Mar-06/11:00 AM | Reply
Thank you for your comment.

I wrote up the prose form and it generally seems well liked here and other places. Tell me what you think. =]
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