Poemranker [Poem: Journeyman] [by Glasseyez] Thu Nov 21 13:17:45 PST 2024

I have traveled far and wide you know Seen four the seven seas, The beach the snow and auroras glow These things arenât new to me, Come and go like the seasons flow No telling where I might be, I wonder round the ancient grounds Forests, lochs, and streams, Never finding always searching For a place that I might go, A place where there is everything A man like me could dream, I travel round from town to town Singing the same old song, âMight I find a friendly place Where a man like me belongs, I have traveled far and wide you know Seen four the seven seas, I long to find a place thatâs nice Where I can just be meâ

[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 14-Feb-06/2:30 AM | Reply

'Seen four the seven seas', is that meant to be '...four of the seven seas'? Because if so I think it would work better as '...four of seven seas'. If I'm missing something obvious here, bear with me. I'm tired.
I think the grammar and structure could do with being worked on, but I like the content and images - they could do with being brought out a little more though.

[n/a] Glasseyez @ 204.49.132.56 > Ranger | 14-Feb-06/11:44 AM | Reply

Yea I meant four of the seven seas, but i thought that would sound too drawn out, I actually have heard that before, maybe i will just pick up a poetry for dummies book something informative just so I can know the proper way to write a decent poem, with the grammer and all. I appreciate your constructive criticm, thinking of ways to use it without ruining the poems altogether. I am still on the level where i just write what sounds good to me and makes sense. I need to work on using metaphors better and more often. I wrote this listening to johnny cash so I guess I was just thinking about his voice while working on it.

[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Glasseyez | 14-Feb-06/3:24 PM | Reply

Poetry for dummies? You're long past that stage, in my view. You're right not to want to change this poem radically, in fact there's nothing that 'needs' changing, beyond a little editing for the grammatical side - just to make it read a little smoother. However I would really like to see a version of this as extended; expand the imagery that you've already started. It feels like you have ideas and pictures that haven't quite manifested themselves in here yet...let your imagination run riot and see what it creates. I'd suggest keeping this one as is and posting it again extended, which would give you the text to go back to and compare the two.

[8] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 14-Feb-06/3:06 PM | Reply

Yeah, Ranger's right, I think--four of the seven seas; you'll slide right over the "of" so it doesn't really throw off the rhythm. This would make some decent lyrics. Forget Poetry for Dummies; more Johnny Cash.

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 86.135.203.170 | 15-Feb-06/2:25 PM | Reply

Excuse me, no gypsies. - No vote -

[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 15-Feb-06/2:45 PM | Reply

I think someone's been impersonating you lately. Check some of the recent 20 or 30 posts.