Re: discovery by skaskowski	13-Feb-06/2:01 PM
What's this? ACME (TM) Poem-o-matic? Input words and it spits out a "poem"? first line could lead to something interesting--but this ain't it.
Re: The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger	13-Feb-06/2:09 PM
Some nice lines, Ranger, but not hanging together quite yet. Some images don't stand close scrutiny ("deftly flowed"; "volcano ripple in reverse"? "idol of adultery"--what's the story there? snaking flies, pregnant flame). I do like the sound of this and some images like a hem waltzing drunkenly, but it needs some tweaking.
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	13-Feb-06/10:45 PM
Intransit, as good as I think you've gotten over the past couple of years, I don't think anyone, not anyone, could make the "deer in the headlights" image sound anything but hackneyed. And headlights, even by analogy, can't be complacent. (Nor fearful, for that matter. Confusing, sure, because they can confuse.) Semantics aside: the truck imagery would work better, I think, if it were attached to something more developed; something we could get a fix on. Right now this seems just amorphous angst with axles.
Re: Journeyman by Glasseyez	14-Feb-06/3:06 PM
Yeah, Ranger's right, I think--four of the seven seas; you'll slide right over the "of" so it doesn't really throw off the rhythm. This would make some decent lyrics. Forget Poetry for Dummies; more Johnny Cash.
regarding some deleted poem...	14-Feb-06/3:18 PM
Wow, some gorgeous lines and color in this. I think you could trim without losing much in a few places, e.g., "You hated its heat, the sand underfoot [You said still had the] reek[ing] of blood of bulls, [And you hated] the noise, the tidal roar Of the populace locked in the ring, [The] [their] thirsty cries goading on the blood ballet With a cruel chant that you heard even In the sacred [precincts of] cathedrals . . ." "Among the arabesques and high pillars As if every wall held a tongue of stone To capture and peal out that litany Of maddened lowing,"--jesus, that's good. Think Richard's right re: "scared of" "frightened of"--maybe just "you were haunted by Spain" or something similar in Stanza 2? So much to like in this.
Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	14-Feb-06/3:21 PM
Fire and ice, air and un-air - bonus points for making "cold boiling" work. Cool.
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	20-Feb-06/7:17 AM
Some good stuff in here, Ranger! "Thin-spinning"; "top-hat velvet . . . tails", songs in grain, pendulum toys and ticktock steps. Really cool feel and language. You talk about the use of metaphor--spider, tree--in your comment. It does come through, I think--but, out of curiosity: what were you aiming for?
Re: Ben Fogle by Stephen Robins	20-Feb-06/7:19 AM
I looked him up, but I didn't really have to (because this nailed it). He is a clean, adventurous Gentleman, isn't he?
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	20-Feb-06/7:24 AM
A cool idea, but I don't think you take the ski metaphor far enough (particularly since you like the line enough to repeat it), and some of the comparisons to other things seem scattered. Some places where the language gets a little stilted because you're writing to the rhyme (are never deemed mild; His love has just left/To come back yet again/He will misspell words/But only in pretend). You have a good sense, here and otherwise, of bringing things to an end (I think endings are sometimes the hardest thing to pull off).
regarding some deleted poem...	20-Feb-06/7:35 AM
The idea here is good, but some problems with execution, i.e., language/sense ("she bite like a dog," which I'm pretty sure is just a typo; "eyes fell sad, as if every meaning had"); cliches (lilt in voice, bounce in step); and troublesome metaphors (briars scratching at eardrums, etc.).
regarding some deleted poem...	20-Feb-06/7:39 AM
No der Jorgen? ;) Heaven's stake--a cross? siphoning? hunting heads of ocean--nice. What's the deal? I'm baffled and intrigued. (I could say that about most of your stuff).
Re: Gunsong by MacFrantic	20-Feb-06/7:53 AM
Really interesting and fresh images. Some of it gets a little too self-consciously "poetic" for me, but you keep the language pretty simple which helps it from becoming overly flowery. Somethings get a little blurry: "plants more often wintry Than all the spiky seeds of summer " ? More wintry than the . . . seeds of summer are wintry? I don't think that's what you mean, but it's what you say. Do you need "phantom" given that you have "ghouls" already? How's a "suicide of pixies" a "harmless guarantee"--things like that. Cool, overall though--I'd like more coherence, but it's original and you've got something good to work with.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	23-Feb-06/9:25 AM
A little too end-rhyme driven for my taste--admirable that you found so many rhyming words that worked in your narrative, but it too often leads to awkward phrasing or cliches. Also, too long for the eventual payoff, and the points are made a little too obviously and literally. Every read Ozymandias by Shelley? Another "met a traveller" poem with a big point to make, but he makes it without saying it explicitly: Ozymandias I met a traveler from an antique land Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read, Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed, And on the pedestal these words appear: "My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away. (Or there's always the Monty Python version: I met a traveller from an antique land, Who said, "Six vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert And on the pedestal these words appear, My name is Ozymandias, King of Ants Look on my feelers, termites, and despair! I am the biggest ant you'll ever see The ants of old weren't half as big and bold And fierce as me!") ;-)
Re: The Mirror by TLRufener	23-Feb-06/9:27 AM
I like the idea of smashing reflections--maybe focus it more there, other things to smash/avoid, don't tell us so obviously about the self-loathing, let the images carry it. Easy way to tell if you're telling too much is to count the "I"s and "my"s. You've got a lot of 'em. :) Good start.
Re: Iron Sky by MacFrantic	23-Feb-06/9:35 AM
You nailed the form but lost some sense, I think: "burden of her foil"? Do you mean PollOck (Jackson Pollock)? I don't get what this is about, really.
Re: First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	23-Feb-06/9:43 AM
Villanelles are tough because the repeating lines have to be strong for it to be effective. "I cannot watch because I won't pray" seems little awkward to me (mainly because if you're not going to use the contraction for cannot, doing so for will not seems, I dunno, forced--why not "I cannot watch because I will not pray"--that line sounds better in iambic pentameter, I think). Some of the lines are a little iffy: "hands . . . whisper"? Some others. Good effort.
Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	23-Feb-06/9:52 AM
I really like your stuff, Zodiac, including this <gush gush, but what the hell>. The first line is killer. Like the falling-through-air using sex words; could do without the borrowed slapstick waiter (I don't think you need it). The metaphor works, for art, for writing. (But what do you mean in your comment by "free from context"? Shouldn't it carry its own context to be effective, to some degree anyway?) Dessert, not desert.
Re: The chestnut by richa	23-Feb-06/10:00 AM
Gorgeous as ever, Rich. Three reps of "under the chestnut" seems too many though--we get it. Did you deliberately leave the first couple of lines unpunctuated so that it reads as dates have become altered/dates have become places (as well as dates and places have become altered)? Cool in a drunken/confused way. :)
Re: Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy	23-Feb-06/10:13 AM
Huh. So . . . what's the bountiful meal? We know what you [in the poem] think is a waste of time--hankering after "just desserts"--things we feel are merited for our efforts?--but what is it that we should be craving instead? I don't get that answer from this--maybe I'm missing it. Here's where I get confused: in the second stanza, you say "Who hasn't learned/that what is earned/might not be rewarded/but if forwarded [?]/may not come on schedule"; then you say: For nature is far grander in scale/than one man's peace of mind [dunno that this is so--how do you measure peace of mind?]. . . he will not findthe golden chalice/or holy palace/that he believes/is his to recieve [receive]/but that the bread he's won has gone stale. So--what he's earned (i.e., worked to deserve?) might not be rewarded, but then he's so focused on the chalice/palace (through religion, I take it?) he might miss what he's won through his own efforts? 'splain? Maybe I should read the comments--you may have. The rhymes seems to lead you astray here and there. "to lament a life that lemons left/a sour taste to memories bereft/of smiles" is very awkward and hard to parse. Anyway, I think with some clarification, the ideas will come through better. 'scuse me for blah blah blahing all over your poeme.
Re: Meltdown by longships	3-Mar-06/8:22 AM
Don't let the rhymes drive the poem (send iron and steel to boil is a good example--awkward and wordy, just because you wrote to the rhyme). Watch for over-familiar terms like "wreak havoc"--generally, if use a term you later realize you've read elsewhere a gazillion times , change it. How does something flow "gracelessly"? Good topic, but could use more moodiness.