Re: Round 27 by Dovina	26-Jan-06/11:55 AM
Double meaning of "naves" here is clever. What do you mean by a "paling of standard excuses" (it's the "erecting a paling" that's throwing me off)? I don't get the title.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-06/6:56 PM
Btw, GW--this is terrific!
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	28-Jan-06/2:31 PM
Lots to like, Ranger. This may be the best thing you've posted. "Reflections of the moon, its ferris spin" is a terrific line. Some of the rhymes are distracting--seem the sort of thing you'd do in a first draft and maybe kill later. Re: Lorelei, maybe go with Lilith or some other biblical character instead (to play off Mary) or someone in a similar role in French myth/lit (since it's Paris)? Great energy to this.
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	28-Jan-06/2:51 PM
I think it needs more unity--your images just sort of come out of nowhere (e.g., tracks, the desert, etc.). Don't let the rhymes drive the poem. Also, sometimes a near rhyme will serve you better than a straight, simple rhyme (e.g., "gray I comprehend/One that makes your mind expend"--expend here needs something that it modifies, an object, for one thing, so why not use expands or something instead. Contrary to popular belief, there are no rhyme police.) The ending lines give you something to play with; get us there.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Jan-06/2:58 PM
How could anyone not love a Brando haiku that starts w/ "stellar." That's awesome. The Dickies had the best song ever about Mr. Brando, called "Stuck Inside a Condo with Marlon Brando." They rhymed "Brando" with condo, which was ace. For your "listening" pleasure: I’m stuck inside a condo with mr. marlon brando He tells me, get the butter, sounds just like my mother He wasn’t nice to connie His son, he shot somebody For messin’ with his daughter Just like the godfather I’m stuck inside a condo with mr. marlon brando He’s heavy and he’s hairy He’s really scaring me...marlon brando Well, I saw him in a movie He used to be so groovy Now he’s eating mashed potatoes He’s a human winnebago I’m stuck inside a condo with mr. marlon brando He’s a heavy dingleberry He’s really scary...marlon brando Domino’s delivery has brought me to him Cheese and pepperoni, watch him shovel it in He’s giving me a lecture on the wages of sin Mr. brando, please show me the door
Re: midnight feast by pollywolly	29-Jan-06/5:13 PM
Nicely creepy atmospherics.
Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone	29-Jan-06/5:19 PM
Good attempt! Maybe you shouldn't give it away in the title though. I like "desperate quests." (Because of explorers? That's how I took it.) "Abounding" should be banished from poetry, IMO. Maybe "adorning" or something instead (not that you're subject to my biases). "Notwithstanding" doesn't make sense to me here. I like the idea of acrostics, but sometimes writing to predefined rules can really result in something stilted. Still, fun in a puzzle-like way.
Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	29-Jan-06/5:42 PM
Pretty cool--the imagery is well done overall. I was confused about "father" though--until the end I though one of her "gleaming sons" was talking to you (in the role of surrogate). Nits: that first semi should be a colon ("One day a one man carnival and then:"). "Who's" should be "whose" (and "whose face as light glows" seems like a word is missing). What I really liked: "gleaming sons"; "flipflop march"; the stream-of-consciousness description/memory of the father's shoes; "You could have said, “Son run, run to the whores, run to your hand, run away from those sins of another man"; the "vapor apparition." What didn't work as well for me (for whatever that's worth): "permanent Santa Clause" (just seems like there must be a better way to say this); "size 11 souls" (think this is a typo--soles--but if not, it's a little too precious). This line: "dream wife who’s face . . . a screen of inner skull” has too many unconnected images--I like the comparison of blood running like lava, but it's not connected to anything else in the poem, and the rush of images--stained glass, lava, starlet on a screen--aren't connected to each other and don't connect to anything else, so it just seems like you were searching for the right analogy but didn't find it (maybe that's deliberate). "Soul mate" is a cliche, and "screen of inner skull" and "frontal lobe" just seems too--I don't know--hard, maybe, or sterile or something. Not sure I get "prophet" shoes. I like the fact that he blames the shoes, somehow, but I don't know if the buildup gets us there. I like the "stretch" intimation of growing, though. Nits and the rest aside, I DO like this a lot. Very imaginative w/good lines and a good story with a tight focus. Hee--I just read Ranger's comment, and isn't it funny how what doesn't work for one person completely works for another? Anyway--take this for what it's worth: one person's opinion. ;-D
Re: Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	30-Jan-06/10:20 AM
Okay--think I get it. Do the swimmers think they're swimming someplace else; is that it? Lake of fire = stomach acids (as opposed to more welcoming ground)? Must be the month for blowjob poems, huh? ;-D
Re: The Book of Images by Dovina	31-Jan-06/6:45 AM
I'd suggest cutting the first two verses--too much exposition. Or maybe just rework the lead in to make it more succinct.
Re: Giving in to a boring suggestion by Joe-joe	1-Feb-06/6:55 AM
Ha--cute. Want to take on my upstairs neighbors who walk on hard wood floors in high heels?
Re: Les Imagistes by Nicholas Jones	1-Feb-06/7:10 AM
Imagism is considered more of a parallel to sculpture than to painting. So the idea of "purging" or paring seems very apt--rather than layering images they focus on the core, the clean lines. This is clever because you practice what you preach--the seemingly extraneous imagery--the 7-inch, the opening stanzas. Thoughtful and thought-provoking.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Feb-06/7:56 PM
;-)
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Feb-06/7:51 AM
Ha--not such a bad joke. You didn't, er, Pound it into the ground. (Now that's a bad joke!) You're right re: Vorticism so far as the visual arts aspect of the movement had its origins in Cubism and related very strongly with the ultramodern, machine-age-obsessed Futurist movement in terms of technique and philosophy. Many of the poets who embraced Vorticism came to it after becoming disillusioned with Imagism--but they brought the key tenets of Imagism with them: clarity and utility of language, a concrete focus, plain English, etc. Glad you enjoyed my (and GW's) little joke. ;-)
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Feb-06/8:13 AM
Do you need both "painfully" and "painstakingly"? I think the play on "pain" in the latter word might be more effective if you left it to the reader. More subtle anyway. I like the way you use the colors to mirror the state of the relationship--vivid, then faded (assuming I'm reading this right).
Re: Whales in Gastineau Channel by zodiac	3-Feb-06/2:46 PM
This doesn't seem to hit its stride until the third stanza. The first almost seems like screenplay style scene-setting (I think I read a comment that you were working on a screenplay. A little genre-bending here maybe?) Nikons and anoraks works well (for me) as a flash image of the crowd. FWIW, "yen" is still pretty common parlance in my part of the country (so's hankering). Borne is spelled correctly. ;)
Re: Exodus of Babylon by SupremeDreamer	4-Feb-06/9:53 AM
I like this--the bitter energy of it, the random rhymes/near rhymes (ash, flesh), the cohesiveness of it. Some good lines too--euphoric pilgrimage. Watch the cliches (ravaged soul, piece of my heart, all-embracing). Nits: one's, not ones. The 'n's for "ands" don't seem to serve any purpose; more distracting than anything. Cool.
Re: Sonnet by zodiac	6-Feb-06/6:51 AM
Interesting approach, decent dismount.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Feb-06/11:44 AM
Welcome back! I like the beginning a lot--you get right to it. Good details too. Maybe consider dropping one of the "more out of spite than shame" (I don't know that it needs repeating) and the "gone but not forgotten," which may be too familiar a phrase? The countdown at the end is a nice touch.
Re: Valentine by zodiac	13-Feb-06/1:59 PM
Ace. What's not to like: old Tight Lips (the mug), a good tale well told. Glad you resisted the temptation of too much "tough guy" speak, the suggestion of it's just enough. This gets a little convoluted: "And lacking even the dignity or indignity of bringing a shivering pile of guts clutched-in already cooling to you is enough without these kids who even as I die make me their hope, their trick, their crash averted." Love the "and already wandering . . ."; the ("blond alibi?") dame's essential to the noir. Killer.