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Whales in Gastineau Channel (Free verse) by zodiac Cars parked on the shoulder. Seaward
an orca with her calves breaches as though
mere air should buoy her as much as salt water.
The crowd here wishes it were so:
Nikons and anoraks, they hoot each time she
thrusts skyward and, finding slim purchase, thrusts
again, hard, beating wind with her huge flukes,
becomes more air- than sea-borne, finally sinks.
Me, I canât understand this yen that makes
one give up liquid for gas, something tenuous
for something always fragiler. I ache
for earth's kiss, your floating skin press.
Up the ladder:
dancing to be flowers
Down the ladder:
The Measurement
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.6
Posted: February 3, 2006 9:42 AM PST; Last modified: February 3, 2006 9:42 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.8 Overall Rank: 398 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
Sounds like you're gettin' some in Alaska.
I loved this. Makes me nostalgic. where I come from, we had to travel by boat to go to Girls High - to the mainland. And on the way we'd see the porpoises jump gracefully. It was a beautiful sight. By the way, whats a Nikon. don't know that. as for anoraks, isn't it some kind of a thick jacket? good going zodiac.
Nikon is a brand of camera. I don't know if they're so much in use these days. Thanks for reading.
On the subject of cameras, I actually think that "Kodaks and anoraks" sounds better :-)
This doesn't seem to hit its stride until the third stanza. The first almost seems like screenplay style scene-setting (I think I read a comment that you were working on a screenplay. A little genre-bending here maybe?) Nikons and anoraks works well (for me) as a flash image of the crowd. FWIW, "yen" is still pretty common parlance in my part of the country (so's hankering).
Borne is spelled correctly. ;)
Why start over? This is good just the way it is.
Isn't it more fragile (I know you put in fragiler for a reason but I am at a loss, other than to make the poem more idiosyncratic, what that reason is). And the last sentence doesn't do it. There is no need to talk of your ache, it is inferred by your opposition to 'something always fragiler'. I think the poem would end better keeping on the theme of others yen for fragility. Then don't touch it. The details are fine.
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As for the rest - it's odd. Of about 30 people who've seen this, each has picked out a different single word to crit. Maybe I need to start over...