Re: Heirophant by cyan9	18-Jan-06/11:57 AM
The Hierophant is the Key that corresponds to the High Priestess, right--symbol of social conformity, rules and ritual, all of that? I'm not seeing the connection here. "Reticent to the sparks" doesn't really work in terms of grammar/meaning. Whilst is an archaism. (Just pointing out some things to think about.) Not sure what this is about--you've got some fresh images but it doesn't hang together (for me, anyway) just yet.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	18-Jan-06/12:02 PM
Some really excellent lines and details. Toss the road cliches (well travelled, less travelled). Some awkward language ("Slit throat eyed and green gloved hit me like Mussolini on rope"--not sure what that means; think you mean slit-throat eyes, but even that is an awkward phrasing, maybe rework it?) Look at your verbs too and see if they're strong enough. Also, finally, think this might be stronger if you dumped the last stanza. Don't get me wrong--I think it's really good and even more promising!
Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus	18-Jan-06/12:06 PM
While I really like the details, the "list" that begins it, strong images notwithstanding, seems to weaken it overall. "The slow procession exit gets faster from the grave" might even be a good place to start it (in media res) and then flashback somehow to incorporate those earlier images? Not saying that's the way to go, necessarily, but play with the sequence--doesn't necessarily have to be linear, and may be better if it's not. I really like the pyre ending with a personal touch (the table).
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Jan-06/12:10 PM
This is great, lots to like (including the fact that it's funny). The rush of words gives it a beatnicky groove, but I think it'd be stronger for some considered punctuation/lines breaks/whatnot. The ending line falls a little flat.
Re: Racism 4 by Dovina	18-Jan-06/12:15 PM
Tons of cliches, some lines make no sense ("sad if for well-being"?), unnecessary and incongruous archaism ("twas"), weak verbs, nothing really original or interesting.
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	18-Jan-06/12:55 PM
Sweet bearded Jesus! I've shat myself laughing. The finest of that fine AIDs tradition.
Re: What is it about brothers? by Tara57	19-Jan-06/2:45 PM
Disagree that this is overwrought (well, some lines are, but for the most part I don't think it is)--the words are simple and the emotion strongly conveyed. Some problems with the ending--it starts to fall apart with all the fathersistermotherlovers and the repetition of "listen to me now," but the bulk of it is pretty well done. The Cain and Abel ref is a little too obvious (for my taste)--think it'd be better implied. The concrete homey details--sharing baths, etc., give the larger themes a face, which works nicely. Some editing would make it even better.
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	20-Jan-06/8:21 AM
IMPROVED--WITH AIDS (of course)!!! I bearded that Jesus with meat, Thinking later to have such a treat, but I left him untended and alas! He ascended! Now I’ve only got meat fit to beat. Next, I bearded his Christ with fried chicken, but some ‘ranker had soon thrust his dick in. After eating that stew of Godhead and spew With AIDs I was suddenly stricken! Then I tried bearding Jesus with fish— was God ever a tastier dish? Topped with some tartar, a succulent martyr! (Smelled like foul hell, but delish!)
Re: Everything is Nothing by Donne With Life	20-Jan-06/8:25 AM
nada y pues nada . . . but deliver us from nada . . .
Re: Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	20-Jan-06/9:38 PM
Gah! Line breaks. Fucking line breaks.
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Jan-06/6:24 PM
Hmmm. To be fair, I'm reactively biased against these "overheard" kind of poems, because they always strike me as false intimacy, and instead of feeling "privileged" to be privy to the conversation, I instead always feel squicky, as if I'm trapped, unnoticed, in the stall and have no choice but to listen, out of my own embarrassment or my vicarious embarrassment for you. That said, some nice lines, a few cliches that could go (drunk on moonlight is probably the most glaring; forty and bottom heavy). Do cities dryly tick? They always seem more like a chorus of sounds to me--horns and voices and traffic. Snow ticks, but cities? I don't hear it. Not bad. ;-) But not your best.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	23-Jan-06/6:27 PM
Ummm--huh. I don't know--it reads to me like a series of punchlines unanchored by a joke. Interesting because it's so fucking weird, but I don't get a sense of the sense.
Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	23-Jan-06/6:34 PM
I bet it was cathartic to write this, but it's more diary entry than poem, really. I don't mean that in a mean way. The cutting is a good place to start and a great, strong image--play around with that, maybe; try to make it a little more symbolic or indirect, instead of telling us everything straight out the way you do. You don't have to get fancy, but make it strong by centering it on something: I have this knife-- a way to live my life high from letting my blood pour out see? Your words, but it starts in the midst of it, and it'll take you further than just pouring your heart out as you would to a friend, you know? Of course, you may have just written it to feel better. :) But if you really want to learn to write poetry, Zodiac is right--read good poetry. Good luck.
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Jan-06/6:43 PM
Really well done. Some quibbles with some language: "Your halberd bars, Adamantine, block my path"--the fancy words are incongruous because the rest of the poem uses such simple language. If this weren't being told from the creature's view, but the poet's, it probably wouldn't bother me, but your leopard seems a little too educated here. AlChemy already noted "scent the smell" "every creature on four feet’s fear" is a little awkward. Might want to play around w/ this and recast. I don't get "ice-glazed eyes." Nitpicks aside, good ending and some really good lines; really nicely done.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	23-Jan-06/7:05 PM
Yep, you've been reading Blake. ;-) You lose your meter here and there, and since you mostly stick to it, it's jarring when you go astray. Put a comma after your invocation (good children)--makes it immediately clear that you're speaking to them (it threw me off the first time). A nit. "Inherit the earth" IS a great biblical line, which is why it's so overused. As Dovina notes, it's deliberate preaching, which doesn't bother me, but I do wish the language was a little more fresh and compelling. Or that he ate the children in the end (sorry, it got me thinking of The Walrus and the Carpenter): "O Oysters," said the Carpenter, "You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none-- And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	23-Jan-06/7:11 PM
Starts off really clever and cute, with some nice alliteration and end-rhymes (garner, favor, harder), but those elements seem to get lost in the rest of it. The last six stanzas don't meet the promise of the first two (although the last stanza picks up the similar sounds again, in peace, sheep, please and I do note the fleas/bees/please rhyme, but they're too far apart; not saying you need to endstop the rhymes, but maybe work them a little closer somehow). I do like how you looked to other critters for comparison.
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	25-Jan-06/6:36 AM
Almost there Joe. Consider losing some of the modifiers (neatly, old abandoned--why not just abandoned?--restful (not that restful if you're up listening to the trains), etc.. Why "inexplicably" makes its (no apos. for the possessive "its"). "feel life in the ground beneath you" is nice. Needs more buildup/connection to the nursery rhyme aspects--they seem to come out of nowhere.
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	25-Jan-06/6:51 AM
Amanda D'Costa! You stick with the metaphor all the way through and obviously put time into the meter and rhyme scheme, and the story/voice is nice. Simple is good, but the endstopped rhymes are too basic (for me anyway). I like simple rhymes too, but if there isn't some interesting language/imagery for contrast, they usually fall flat. A good example is Frost's most famous, "Nothing Gold Can Stay"--the rhymes are simple as can be, as is the meter (both of which absolutely fit the poem), but the language is so lyrical and fresh and the images so strong and original that the simple rhymes become part of the poem's strength). Stretch a bit. You've obviously got the interest and willingness to think about what you write--now take it to the next step. Which poets do you like to read? What is it about their work that works for you? That's always a good place to start.
Re: Tree of Life by ALChemy	25-Jan-06/12:03 PM
Ah, but birch leaves turn yellow in fall, not red. And you seldom see one alone (they like their own kind). Pedantic, sure. ;-D How 'bout a nice boxelder? No one ever writes about boxelders (except maybe Stephen Malkmus).
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Jan-06/7:32 PM
Man, you've got some cool lines: cracked me open with a ragged chord. I always hear bongos behind your breathless rushes--is that a good thing? You probably play well to the spoken word crowd with these surreal streams.