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The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty (Free verse) by Joe-joe
There is a sill hidden neatly behind a cherry bordered wall in the old abandoned publishing plant right next door to Stewart’s grocery store in a town once nourished by the railroad. On restful nights you can still hear the sound of a caboose running shotgun for a string of cars that vanish on the horizon. Strip the sandals from your feet and you’ll feel life in the ground beneath you. A life that inexplicably makes it’s way past the old rusted press and inkwells to a bookshelf where three blind mice sit lost atop a wall once reserved for a lad named Humpty Dumpty who for some reason has wandered astray and is now a permanent guest of the Queen.

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5812
Posted: January 25, 2006 6:11 AM PST; Last modified: January 25, 2006 6:11 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] ecargo @ 167.219.0.143 | 25-Jan-06/6:36 AM | Reply
Almost there Joe. Consider losing some of the modifiers (neatly, old abandoned--why not just abandoned?--restful (not that restful if you're up listening to the trains), etc.. Why "inexplicably" makes its (no apos. for the possessive "its"). "feel life in the ground beneath you" is nice. Needs more buildup/connection to the nursery rhyme aspects--they seem to come out of nowhere.
[n/a] Joe-joe @ 170.28.4.4 > ecargo | 25-Jan-06/7:09 AM | Reply
Very constructive comments ecargo. You're absolutely right about the NR coming out of nowhere... I actually wrote the last 4 lines first while sitting at my desk this morning. Don't ask me why but the Humpty Dumpty and Three Blind Mice thing just popped into my mind...that's kind of how it is with most of what I write. Interesting image but I felt myself straining to fit it within the context of a story...another common occurrence with regard to my writing. Again, I appreciate your thoughtful suggestions. Joe
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 25-Jan-06/6:43 AM | Reply
Fascinating. This would be a great introduction to a story.
[7] Dovina @ 17.255.240.6 | 25-Jan-06/10:35 AM | Reply
I find it funny. Too many words though, agreeing with ecargo. Starting with "there" seems better as "a sill hides neatly." "it's" is its, a common mistake. A story poem like this is better said with verbs simply used in simple sentences, and I think with minor changes you can do this.
[n/a] god'swife @ 71.103.98.44 | 25-Jan-06/10:00 PM | Reply
The first parts well down, but then it kind of becomes nonsense. What happened to the sill in the first line?
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