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The Mirror (Free verse) by TLRufener
Smash the mirror I cannot bear to see myself Take away the windows I do not wish to see my reflection Tears of hatred and fear Are the only makeup I wear I have tried to run from the truth But it follows me everywhere It is my shadow Attached to my weakening body My spirit is heavy Dragging down my fragile being Thoughts promenading in my head Twisting the image of reality Rearranging the truth I seek I do not know how to feel What to believe Where to turn Who to be Who I have been Has never pleased the mirror Who I have become Displeases it even more My reflection loathes me It hates everything about me Though it never speaks

Down the ladder: Forgotten Strokes

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Weighted score: 4.928861
Overall Rank: 9287
Posted: February 22, 2006 2:49 PM PST; Last modified: February 22, 2006 2:49 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.77 | 23-Feb-06/12:24 AM | Reply
Without being unkind, and in the realisation that your personnal suffering is quite real, can I suggest that as poetry this is pretty boring, I have read pretty much the same thing thousands of times. The feelings are not uncommon, and while that doesn't make them less painful for you it should make you realise that if you wish to put them into a poem that others are going to read, and if the poem is going to be a success then you have to offer something that the 100,000 or so people who have already written this same poem, in different but uninspiring ways had to offer. There is more to good poetry than putting your feelings on paper with a set of line-breaks. Some other conventional punctuation would help also.
[n/a] Ranger @ 88.106.139.102 | 23-Feb-06/4:44 AM | Reply
There's nothing wrong with wanting to put your own feelings/emotions into a poem, but for me particularly a poem is far more appealing without repeated use of 'I/me/my' etc. See if you can find a way of writing this that isn't in the first person - maybe try writing it from the mirror's point of view. Alternatively, my favourite trick is to invent a new point of view - something else in the room watching you, for instance. It just makes it more intriguing for the reader - and also allows for a bit more innovation.
[7] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 23-Feb-06/9:27 AM | Reply
I like the idea of smashing reflections--maybe focus it more there, other things to smash/avoid, don't tell us so obviously about the self-loathing, let the images carry it. Easy way to tell if you're telling too much is to count the "I"s and "my"s. You've got a lot of 'em. :) Good start.
[n/a] TLRufener @ 140.146.216.76 > ecargo | 23-Feb-06/11:44 AM | Reply
I wrote this poem angered by mother once again ruining my weekend plans. The reflection is a metaphore for her always being there critisizing me.
[n/a] Scarlett @ 70.171.72.141 > TLRufener | 26-Mar-06/10:01 AM | Reply
I like the coupling of your explanation to your poem.. maybe you could add a line in about your mother being in the reflection and not just you..? Just a thought.
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