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First Unborn Sun (Villanelle) by Been Here Before My mind idles in creeping death of gray
Mist rises and saunters, blinding my sight
I can not watch because I will not pray
Fractured tears flow, but why, my friends can't say
Twined on the bed, clenching my stomach tight
My mind idles in creeping death of gray
Thoughts of a child who will never play
Visions of the thick mist corrode my night
I can not watch because I will not pray
Jordan Taylor, maybe Isaiah Ray
Names he would have with our blackened plight
My mind idles in creeping death of gray
No one to talk to, the mist turns to clay
Hiding my pupils with all of my might
I can not watch because I will not pray
No hands or voices to say "it's okay"
The mist carries his tiny soul in flight
My mind idles in creeping death of gray
I can not watch because I will not pray
Up the ladder:
Arrival
Down the ladder:
wait and see
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: February 20, 2006 9:16 PM PST; Last modified: February 23, 2006 11:21 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.9525743 Overall Rank: 8816 Comments:
[n/a]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
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21-Feb-06/2:57 AM
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Reply
This gave me shivers. Edit the typos in stanza 1 ('creeping' and 'blind') so I can give you a vote.
[7]
MacFrantic @ 172.199.98.219
> Ranger
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21-Feb-06/6:24 AM
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Reply
Agreed with Ranger, and there are still a few things that irk me. Maybe get rid of the "it" in "I cannot watch..." Great flow though. *7*
Dude.
You're alive! I've been wondering what became of you. :) I'm glad you found your way back here. Now why is your email bouncing? I think you picked a beautiful subject for the form--it really pounds it in. The flow is more awkward than I think it needs to be, and yeah--the spelling issues as noted.
Yes. Life has been entertaining. I thought I would come back and get my poetry worked over a again. My form poems don't flow and my free verse is WAY too free. I must watch that typing though. I tend to write while drinking and send them off a bit quick. Any how, I am working more towards spoken word than anything and much of my writing is geared in that dirrection. As far as my e-mail address, I could not remember anything from the last time I was here (5 years ago), so I reverted to the only other e-mail I have. I never check quickfinger, it is always the Melmichelle@hotmail.com, but I'm computer dumb.
Well, back to Myspace to write more blogs. How have you been?
Would you like me to merge the two accounts?
Gods, I hate Myspace. The ads and slow pageloads and interface drive me batty. But I'm not as social as all that, or something. And I am a livejournal addict, give or take. And yet--somehow, I post on Myspace every now and then. I don't know why. I should just give it up. Spoken word I tried once. I didn't really like the atmosphere, but I expect it would be nice with people you knew. Some of the stuff was impressive, but too much of it wasn't. A lot like poemranker in that regard, perhaps. ;)
PS, Vilanelle does seem to make for a good chant.
(and your quickfinger account doesn't seem to exist anymore--I'm getting bounces from it)
Yes. Melmichelle@hotmail.com is the only e-mail address that I really use. I just could not figure out how to log in without another one, and I did not even remember what I had logged in on as years ago. I just recently found my way back to computers, so those things allude me. I've spent so much time in cafes with pens and paper since Merlin took the computer, but people say I need to up-grade, so here I am ... again. I like Myspace only because all my true friends seem to have a home there and it is easy for me to talk to all of them at once. It is a great out-let and a new environment for me. -Mel
P.S. Can you still get a hold of NFG - Writing With Attitude? I want to subscribe if it still exists. Thanks for the warm welcome!
The issues that were printed are still being sold, I believe -- http://nfg.ca/ -- but they're not doing any more. I had a parting of ways with them.
On the other hand, I've got a new magazine that's going to open to submissions come July. Account info to come via email.
Actually, everything should just work now. You may need to log out and log back in. If you can't log out, try clearing your poemranker cookie.
I don't understand any of the lines that rhyme with "sight".
A pleasant surprise to find this on my first look back, still it is marred by the iambic errors as noted.
"I cannot watch it because I won't pray" is not iambic pentametre, but "I cannot watch because I will not pray" is, while admitting that it is your poem and not mine I fail to see how the 2nd line would detract from the message. It is true, that in longer poems, such as that which I just posted tthe iambic pentametre can become a soporific, but in a vilanelle or a sonnet, a part of the enjoyment of reading one is the fluidity of the construction. Any way, nice work, but keep working on it.
Thanks. That help. I was trying to stick to the true Vilanelle in that I assumed I needed 10 syllables, rather to match "my mind idles in creeping death of gray." I'm trying to teach myself other forms of writing aside from my spoken word rants. Poetry should flow on paper as well as out of the mouth. The theatre in me assumes that everyone can hear things the way I write them. I do much prefer it without "it" and will change this. Keep commenting on my work plese.
Villanelles are tough because the repeating lines have to be strong for it to be effective. "I cannot watch because I won't pray" seems little awkward to me (mainly because if you're not going to use the contraction for cannot, doing so for will not seems, I dunno, forced--why not "I cannot watch because I will not pray"--that line sounds better in iambic pentameter, I think). Some of the lines are a little iffy: "hands . . . whisper"? Some others. Good effort.
Thank you. This elliminates the "it" and I believe keeps the poem a little more to form. See what you think.
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