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First Unborn Sun (Villanelle) by Been Here Before

My mind idles in creeping death of gray Mist rises and saunters, blinding my sight I can not watch because I will not pray Fractured tears flow, but why, my friends can't say Twined on the bed, clenching my stomach tight My mind idles in creeping death of gray Thoughts of a child who will never play Visions of the thick mist corrode my night I can not watch because I will not pray Jordan Taylor, maybe Isaiah Ray Names he would have with our blackened plight My mind idles in creeping death of gray No one to talk to, the mist turns to clay Hiding my pupils with all of my might I can not watch because I will not pray No hands or voices to say "it's okay" The mist carries his tiny soul in flight My mind idles in creeping death of gray I can not watch because I will not pray

Been Here Before 22-Feb-06/11:14 AM
Thanks. That help. I was trying to stick to the true Vilanelle in that I assumed I needed 10 syllables, rather to match "my mind idles in creeping death of gray." I'm trying to teach myself other forms of writing aside from my spoken word rants. Poetry should flow on paper as well as out of the mouth. The theatre in me assumes that everyone can hear things the way I write them. I do much prefer it without "it" and will change this. Keep commenting on my work plese.




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