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First Unborn Sun (Villanelle) by Been Here Before

My mind idles in creeping death of gray Mist rises and saunters, blinding my sight I can not watch because I will not pray Fractured tears flow, but why, my friends can't say Twined on the bed, clenching my stomach tight My mind idles in creeping death of gray Thoughts of a child who will never play Visions of the thick mist corrode my night I can not watch because I will not pray Jordan Taylor, maybe Isaiah Ray Names he would have with our blackened plight My mind idles in creeping death of gray No one to talk to, the mist turns to clay Hiding my pupils with all of my might I can not watch because I will not pray No hands or voices to say "it's okay" The mist carries his tiny soul in flight My mind idles in creeping death of gray I can not watch because I will not pray

ecargo 23-Feb-06/9:43 AM
Villanelles are tough because the repeating lines have to be strong for it to be effective. "I cannot watch because I won't pray" seems little awkward to me (mainly because if you're not going to use the contraction for cannot, doing so for will not seems, I dunno, forced--why not "I cannot watch because I will not pray"--that line sounds better in iambic pentameter, I think). Some of the lines are a little iffy: "hands . . . whisper"? Some others. Good effort.




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