Replying to a comment on:

First Unborn Sun (Villanelle) by Been Here Before

My mind idles in creeping death of gray Mist rises and saunters, blinding my sight I can not watch because I will not pray Fractured tears flow, but why, my friends can't say Twined on the bed, clenching my stomach tight My mind idles in creeping death of gray Thoughts of a child who will never play Visions of the thick mist corrode my night I can not watch because I will not pray Jordan Taylor, maybe Isaiah Ray Names he would have with our blackened plight My mind idles in creeping death of gray No one to talk to, the mist turns to clay Hiding my pupils with all of my might I can not watch because I will not pray No hands or voices to say "it's okay" The mist carries his tiny soul in flight My mind idles in creeping death of gray I can not watch because I will not pray

Blue Magpie 22-Feb-06/4:25 AM
A pleasant surprise to find this on my first look back, still it is marred by the iambic errors as noted.

"I cannot watch it because I won't pray" is not iambic pentametre, but
"I cannot watch because I will not pray" is, while admitting that it is your poem and not mine I fail to see how the 2nd line would detract from the message. It is true, that in longer poems, such as that which I just posted tthe iambic pentametre can become a soporific, but in a vilanelle or a sonnet, a part of the enjoyment of reading one is the fluidity of the construction.

Any way, nice work, but keep working on it.




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