on Harmony by MacFrantic
10 Sep 2007, 7:21 PM
I'd drop the first two lines. And both -is- in s-4.
Love the sport of spring.
Love the sport of spring.
on My No-Good Graces by D. $ Fontera
10 Sep 2007, 7:17 PM
The end goes cheesy.
on Eye's Upon Tomorrow's Night by Enkidu
10 Sep 2007, 7:15 PM
S-2 is where it begins to roll.
Thanks for your patience, C. I'm glad I waited because originally i thought you'd overshot your target. After coming back I see " a little bit of history repeating".
I like this and I think it's all there.
My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9?
And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
I like this and I think it's all there.
My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9?
And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
on The Dark Poet by Dovina
27 Aug 2007, 6:50 AM
More about the "happy peril in a runaway colt"- please.
I also think it's too straight/technical/cold.
I also think it's too straight/technical/cold.
on The Buiness Card by abecedarian
25 Aug 2007, 6:53 AM
Duh, whassa Tamp tie ?
replying on Church Propagation by Dovina
25 Aug 2007, 6:50 AM
" These degredations lead to arguments, which lead to stricter organization." The church chokes itself. I think this is the root of your poem. This format is too technical for me. Chase it if you will.
replying on Sylvania Wilderness by jessicazee
25 Aug 2007, 6:39 AM
That's just it. It becomes statistic and loses some of the personal feeling, for me. If it is accurate to her situation, nuttin I can do about that.
on Some things marinate, others poison by MacFrantic
24 Aug 2007, 7:02 AM
chaos is much too good for me? ok then.
on The Raw Vegan Potluck by peaceseeker
24 Aug 2007, 7:00 AM
I get to use my favorite suggestion. Put it in the blender and hit frappe. It comes across a little too list-like. Blend the people with the foods a bit. There's much to work with here. Please revise.
on Passive Birth Control by http://mulberryfairy
24 Aug 2007, 6:39 AM
I second Paul S.
on Sylvania Wilderness by jessicazee
24 Aug 2007, 6:35 AM
YES ! Two small nits. J-flits, and Old spice... oh wait
no, well, shoot. The old spice itself is cliche but it steers me away from boyfriend/girlfriend and into father/daughter, so.... Anyway, it's ace. if you revise it any, please post. I'd like to add it to my faves.
no, well, shoot. The old spice itself is cliche but it steers me away from boyfriend/girlfriend and into father/daughter, so.... Anyway, it's ace. if you revise it any, please post. I'd like to add it to my faves.
on Crotchety Old Geezer by Dovina
14 Aug 2007, 8:03 AM
That he does. That he does.
replying on In the maybe by INTRANSIT
8 Jul 2007, 8:58 AM
Definitely worth printing off and taking with me on the road. I know it's fixable. Thank you sincerely, Mr Panic.
replying on In the maybe by INTRANSIT
7 Jul 2007, 8:05 PM
8? *pout*
on scene by Dental Panic
7 Jul 2007, 7:33 PM
I didn't.
replying on Miles Apart, You Say by Dovina
7 Jul 2007, 7:32 PM
wombat.
on Body Worlds by Dental Panic
7 Jul 2007, 11:45 AM
Arier with cheer? You're so wierd !
I think you can move -sacred- between ten and morning, and do no harm.
the parking ticket is clunky BUT interesting. Odd is good. Can you soften it a little?
The plug line bugs me. Too forward, I think.
Overall, I really like what you've built.