replying on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
23 Oct 2007, 1:34 PM
Save your energy, Leroy. Put it into your own work. It's just plain healthier that way.
on Her name was Marjorie Harper by Caducus
23 Oct 2007, 1:25 PM
Polythene and aplologies. But you friggen nailed it!
replying on While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT
23 Oct 2007, 1:20 PM
That is a very good analysis, Ranger. I'm reading Pinsky's- the sounds of poetry and trying to grasp the concept of tension and release in a poem. Pinsky references apoem by W.C. Williams where a woman "gives herself" to eating a plum. Yes, sounds. Perhaps I'm not getting enough work out of that balloon, either. Appreciate the read. Thanks.
on On Any Given Day... by Skamper
23 Oct 2007, 1:15 PM
Gonna chew on this a while.
replying on While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT
19 Oct 2007, 2:09 PM
Take a Centrum.
on Never Let Go by x0lovelylarnx0
19 Oct 2007, 1:53 PM
Ok, Larry. I can call you that , right? I think i know what the problem is. It was your training. I'm betting that somewhere in grade school your teachers introduced you to poetry with childrens books and such.Innocent as it may seem (and it was), they failed to continue your education in poetry, leaving you singing "jingle bells" in a world that sings O-Tannenbaum. I think there are an incredible amount of us that had that happen. I know I did. And as such, I'm relatively "tone deaf" to poetry. The good news is, it's fixable. We just need to be reprogrammed so to speak. This isn't going to happen overnight, so be patient with yourself, the media (books), and your teachers, however they may come to you. Or at you, as may be the case occasionally. Let's get started.
First, Let's talk about end-rhyme. If you read a poem out loud, ACCORDING TO THE PUNCTUATION, you'll see, or hear rather, that the rhyme almost disappears. Again, your teachers put unnecessary emphasis on the line ends, when they read. Like if every time you read a line and then banged a pot before going on to the next line, eventually you'd think that pot-banging was part of poetry.
Now, Lets lighten up with sounds. Look at the ends of lines 1 and 3 in this piece of yours. Serene sunset/ human existence, kind of echo each other a bit. THAT is how I want you to reprogram yourself. No stress. Don't force the rhyme, just listen for it. No need to put it at the end of your lines either. Keep them close to each other, but let them wander a bit.
Try free rhyming. This is fun. Watch
El Bandolero
Tell benny, you lose
Kill bunny shoes
Fell the low sand
The sounds of the words don't have to be in the same order either. As long as there's some replay of sound, you're rhyming. It just takes practice.
Forms are another animal altogether. We'll talk later about those. Hope that helps.
P.S. One more thing. If you're serious about learning this art, you're going to have to like pain, and, revise revise revise.
Later dude.
First, Let's talk about end-rhyme. If you read a poem out loud, ACCORDING TO THE PUNCTUATION, you'll see, or hear rather, that the rhyme almost disappears. Again, your teachers put unnecessary emphasis on the line ends, when they read. Like if every time you read a line and then banged a pot before going on to the next line, eventually you'd think that pot-banging was part of poetry.
Now, Lets lighten up with sounds. Look at the ends of lines 1 and 3 in this piece of yours. Serene sunset/ human existence, kind of echo each other a bit. THAT is how I want you to reprogram yourself. No stress. Don't force the rhyme, just listen for it. No need to put it at the end of your lines either. Keep them close to each other, but let them wander a bit.
Try free rhyming. This is fun. Watch
El Bandolero
Tell benny, you lose
Kill bunny shoes
Fell the low sand
The sounds of the words don't have to be in the same order either. As long as there's some replay of sound, you're rhyming. It just takes practice.
Forms are another animal altogether. We'll talk later about those. Hope that helps.
P.S. One more thing. If you're serious about learning this art, you're going to have to like pain, and, revise revise revise.
Later dude.
on Alice to Slumber by Skamper
16 Oct 2007, 2:56 PM
zoiks.
on back o' the fridge by nypoet22
1 Oct 2007, 5:45 PM
More, more !
on A Patch of Time by Skamper
1 Oct 2007, 5:42 PM
Needs only the slightest trimming.
on The daughter of heels by Caducus
1 Oct 2007, 5:37 PM
Caducus, I think you're looking at a piece of art. But I haven't seen this piece so i can't tell you if you've captured the moment. This may work at another site that works these kind of poems. I'm sorry I can't help.
on Death of a Drug Addict by SupremeDreamer
29 Sep 2007, 9:24 AM
Rose blossom of a bullet as it opens while travelling !
Awesome. Just awesome.
Awesome. Just awesome.
on Rooster Rape by Dovina
29 Sep 2007, 9:22 AM
Maybe it's not so heavy as clunky.
Shiney feathers, eye on intruder, pomp of sound and strut, Keep those. The house /henhouse thing is confusing. Forgot and abandoned are the same,I prefer abandoned. Read mmy gender for my man? Huh?
Boldly militant as angels- I prefer over mission.
The rest is just too wordy, I think. Keep the Copernicus stuff. I think it gives just the right amount of ambiguity. Not sure you need the last line.
I'm a little strained for time, sorry. Next time, when the rooster attacks, use a nine-iron. ;)
Shiney feathers, eye on intruder, pomp of sound and strut, Keep those. The house /henhouse thing is confusing. Forgot and abandoned are the same,I prefer abandoned. Read mmy gender for my man? Huh?
Boldly militant as angels- I prefer over mission.
The rest is just too wordy, I think. Keep the Copernicus stuff. I think it gives just the right amount of ambiguity. Not sure you need the last line.
I'm a little strained for time, sorry. Next time, when the rooster attacks, use a nine-iron. ;)
replying on Pulling the hill (formerly-in response to) by INTRANSIT
26 Sep 2007, 2:27 PM
I agree. It does need some shaping. At least I fixed all the old snafus, eh ?
on Rooster Rape by Dovina
26 Sep 2007, 2:20 PM
Did you rape a truck driver, Dovina ? Shame on you.
I like this but it's too heavy. I'll get back to it though. first read/8
I like this but it's too heavy. I'll get back to it though. first read/8
on He Became William Tristan a 9/11 story by sonawrote
12 Sep 2007, 2:21 PM
Sorry sona. Rhyming couplets does not a poem make. If you drop half these lines and throw the rhyme out, it would improve. Your choice.
on The rift by MacFrantic
12 Sep 2007, 2:13 PM
Starting at line 3:
Whiplashed, convulsive, her eyes are
a cheap matinee
moans fall from her carpet tongue
She arches; a rigid turnpike
Playing magic on myself ? try tying it back to the polecat or the movie theatre.
Still I likes.
Whiplashed, convulsive, her eyes are
a cheap matinee
moans fall from her carpet tongue
She arches; a rigid turnpike
Playing magic on myself ? try tying it back to the polecat or the movie theatre.
Still I likes.
replying on Pulling the hill (formerly-in response to) by INTRANSIT
11 Sep 2007, 6:06 PM
One oversized purple lego head in the galaxy and it's given to 'mage. Where's my ray gun.
on Plug my Phone In by jessicazee
11 Sep 2007, 6:53 AM
I also think you're under appreciated around here. I hope you are not relegating yourself to this site only.