| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Plug my Phone In (Haiku) by jessicazee He's teaching school now,
the elements the chart says,
waking together
coffee, chemistry
ten morning minutes sacred
before the bell rings
two alarms chime on
we parking ticket ourselves,
your plug fits in mine
Up the ladder:
Love that's not true or double-sided
Down the ladder:
Untitled
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: September 10, 2007 11:05 PM PDT; Last modified: September 10, 2007 11:05 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2384057 Overall Rank: 4096 Comments:
I also think you're under appreciated around here. I hope you are not relegating yourself to this site only.
thanks.
Very well done--and I agree with INTRANSIT about you being under appreciated. Keep up the good work.
The second stanza is perfect (perhaps change the position of 'sacred' as our trucker suggests). "He's teaching school now" wants editing, in my opinion and the last line is very abrupt. Maybe that's what you were after though?
167 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I think you can move -sacred- between ten and morning, and do no harm.
the parking ticket is clunky BUT interesting. Odd is good. Can you soften it a little?
The plug line bugs me. Too forward, I think.
Overall, I really like what you've built.