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Pulling the hill (formerly-in response to) (Free verse) by INTRANSIT
I've forgotten the value of momentum. My drive for poetry has become a slow road that is not on any map. A Cicada crashes onto my hood, quickly rights itself and flies away, my eyes trailing it to the eight percent upgrade in front of me. Quickly I burp the brakes and backpedal dropping two three four gears just to catch ground. It is difficult to manuever my bulky conveyance through these tight corners. Sight distance is limited and reminders flash like construction markers in the night. Puritans scowl at me as I pass their tidy little boxes. The fingering trees flick my antennae and I snatch the wheel back from the edge, correcting, overcorrecting splitting hairs and gears, my hands blistering from the constant friction. There is a clearing here, somewhere, with a straighter road through an open meadow where a small toll bridge waits. I will pay, sigh, look at the next hill and grin. And remember to keep my foot in it.

Up the ladder: The Other Cancer

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Weighted score: 5.1788044
Overall Rank: 4937
Posted: September 11, 2007 9:00 AM PDT; Last modified: September 11, 2007 9:00 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 130.65.109.104 | 11-Sep-07/12:08 PM | Reply
I can sympathize in some respects, old friend. Eight. Oh, and don't mind the bearded orangutan; rockmage hasn't yet learned that throwing his feces about is considered uncouth in polite company.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 65.29.52.204 > SupremeDreamer | 11-Sep-07/6:06 PM | Reply
One oversized purple lego head in the galaxy and it's given to 'mage. Where's my ray gun.
[9] deleted user @ 63.127.193.79 | 14-Sep-07/3:33 AM | Reply
I like poems that tell a story and you do that to perfection in this piece. I see this as more of a prose poem, but how it's labeled really does'nt matter---it's good stuff.
[8] Ranger @ 81.152.176.104 | 20-Sep-07/1:35 AM | Reply
My very first thought upon reading the opening line was that this is crying out to be moulded into a form - sonnet was the one that sprang to mind. It would work equally well as a monologue, although I think it'd have to be a narration to a film clip or something similar. Otherwise you risk creating a large (and quite impressive) description with not much to hook the reader. Forming it would create a rhythm, a movement to capture the reader.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 204.110.228.254 > Ranger | 26-Sep-07/2:27 PM | Reply
I agree. It does need some shaping. At least I fixed all the old snafus, eh ?
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