| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Confetti (Free verse) by Caducus I held confetti
how I used to hold your finger
when your arms were my loom,
a hundred burials ago.
Your groom smile greeting,
killed me.
It killed your little girl.
Making me bury you on your wedding day,
with a nine year old girl and her brother
that you once held like her,
and now unfurled, as daughters confetti.
I held my husband
how you used to grip my finger
and I cry in his arms
how I did in yours
a hundred burials ago.
Up the ladder:
Never born.
Down the ladder:
I AM NOT CONTAINED BY THIS UNIVERSE
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Posted: August 30, 2007 8:21 AM PDT; Last modified: August 30, 2007 8:21 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.0794687 Overall Rank: 6465 Comments:
[n/a]
Caducus @ 80.229.129.138
|
30-Aug-07/8:23 AM
|
Reply
rough draft about a father changing once he marries someone new, could do with a handhere guys any help appreciated.
[9]
INTRANSIT @ 65.29.52.204
> Caducus
|
30-Aug-07/3:47 PM
|
Reply
Gimme a minute, we can work this.
Thanks for your patience, C. I'm glad I waited because originally i thought you'd overshot your target. After coming back I see " a little bit of history repeating".
I like this and I think it's all there. My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9? And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
Nice one Rich I'll make the changes and add em to the tetto site. How's the HIAB?
216 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
