on Just Before My Shift Ends at The Uptowner by jessicazee
10 Oct 2005, 6:46 AM
If I only knw gambling jargon.....
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2005, 6:56 AM
You're gonna get hammered ...because there's good material here. I don't like the two different rhyme-schemes going on. For this I think you can do without
but keep to natural sounds like your opening stanza. OR maybe four line stanzas alternating a/b/a/b. 7
but keep to natural sounds like your opening stanza. OR maybe four line stanzas alternating a/b/a/b. 7
on The chestnut by richa
10 Oct 2005, 7:21 AM
I'm researching. back in a minute.
Don't worry about the title clashing with mine. two different sleeps. You have more periods than you need.
I would: Line 6-comma,line seven-delete period,9 delete period,11 and 12 delete periods. Till then? I think that can go too. Let the reins out a little.
I would: Line 6-comma,line seven-delete period,9 delete period,11 and 12 delete periods. Till then? I think that can go too. Let the reins out a little.
on Waking at night by Niphredil
11 Oct 2005, 2:19 PM
Stanza two: outside/outside the window. one or the other please. AND: IS racing to survive this night /OR another night.
that is all.
that is all.
on Rocky Road by Dovina
12 Oct 2005, 6:09 AM
if this isn't bait, I don't know what is. Good that you kept it simple, I'd hate to come down hard on you. LOL. Try to merge the two flaps lines together. and you have a rogue -as- in the last. I think you can merge the drowsy and blinking driver lines too. I love the sweet rememberance and the dual significance of the decorated mud flaps. Incidentally, four-wheelers aren't the only ones to get chipped windshields. I've got three in my Petes drivers side.
on Leg by jessicazee
21 Oct 2005, 2:01 PM
What? No vvvvipvvvvvipvvvvvvvip of corduroy?
on Slim and Pretty, Or Not by Dovina
21 Oct 2005, 2:03 PM
*TWIST* there's a match for you.
Thank got for rubenesquenesses. es.
Thank got for rubenesquenesses. es.
on A Dark Account of History by D. $ Fontera
18 Oct 2005, 3:43 PM
Amen.
on There is a journey tree by ALChemy
18 Oct 2005, 3:54 PM
I got here late. Add me to the barrage. However ,I like the dove/pigeon thing. The core is good. Lift that bale! Tote that barge!
on some deleted poem
29 Oct 2005, 6:33 AM
I think you just blew my doors off.
on when i make sculpture by ay deee
28 Oct 2005, 3:53 PM
rogue -do- in the fourth.
on brave new world still a bit timid by FreeFormFixation
29 Oct 2005, 6:29 AM
"broadband subterranean tunnels" perfect.
on The Gospel According to Zodiac by Dovina
31 Oct 2005, 6:55 AM
One slice does it all.
on A Joining Of Souls (edit) by Caducus
4 Nov 2005, 6:57 PM
The last stanza: Remnants of her remain? Yes, that's what remnants do. (Boooo Hissssss)
Lose the corny end rhyme.
"from beneath the lashes" ...(holds arms straight up, palms inward)
Lose the corny end rhyme.
"from beneath the lashes" ...(holds arms straight up, palms inward)
on Steak and Satin by Dovina
4 Nov 2005, 6:17 AM
In the first and second you need to bring out more of the body part and less of the decoration. Lose "induce" altogether. The rest seems to move nicely.
Now. would you kindly tell me who put the lefsa in my pants?
Now. would you kindly tell me who put the lefsa in my pants?
on island nation by skaskowski
1 Nov 2005, 3:02 PM
Which it is soused hogs face?