| Re: Just Before My Shift Ends at The Uptowner by jessicazee |
10-Oct-05/6:46 AM |
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If I only knw gambling jargon.....
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-Oct-05/6:56 AM |
You're gonna get hammered ...because there's good material here. I don't like the two different rhyme-schemes going on. For this I think you can do without
but keep to natural sounds like your opening stanza. OR maybe four line stanzas alternating a/b/a/b. 7
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| Re: The chestnut by richa |
10-Oct-05/7:21 AM |
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I'm researching. back in a minute.
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| Re: Sleep by ALChemy |
11-Oct-05/9:20 AM |
Don't worry about the title clashing with mine. two different sleeps. You have more periods than you need.
I would: Line 6-comma,line seven-delete period,9 delete period,11 and 12 delete periods. Till then? I think that can go too. Let the reins out a little.
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| Re: Waking at night by Niphredil |
11-Oct-05/2:19 PM |
Stanza two: outside/outside the window. one or the other please. AND: IS racing to survive this night /OR another night.
that is all.
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| Re: Rocky Road by Dovina |
12-Oct-05/6:09 AM |
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if this isn't bait, I don't know what is. Good that you kept it simple, I'd hate to come down hard on you. LOL. Try to merge the two flaps lines together. and you have a rogue -as- in the last. I think you can merge the drowsy and blinking driver lines too. I love the sweet rememberance and the dual significance of the decorated mud flaps. Incidentally, four-wheelers aren't the only ones to get chipped windshields. I've got three in my Petes drivers side.
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| Re: Adelaide by wilco |
12-Oct-05/6:12 AM |
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"grain of salt and spread it through my wounds" that's the stuff !
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| Re: A Dark Account of History by D. $ Fontera |
18-Oct-05/3:43 PM |
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| Re: Figment by Dovina |
18-Oct-05/3:48 PM |
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A little thin but I get it. kinda.
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| Re: There is a journey tree by ALChemy |
18-Oct-05/3:54 PM |
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I got here late. Add me to the barrage. However ,I like the dove/pigeon thing. The core is good. Lift that bale! Tote that barge!
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| Re: Marriage by Dovina |
18-Oct-05/4:56 PM |
Marriage a-la Jurrassic Park:
Sure it's all oohs and ahhs now, Later there's running and screaming.
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| Re: Leg by jessicazee |
21-Oct-05/2:01 PM |
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What? No vvvvipvvvvvipvvvvvvvip of corduroy?
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| Re: Slim and Pretty, Or Not by Dovina |
21-Oct-05/2:03 PM |
*TWIST* there's a match for you.
Thank got for rubenesquenesses. es.
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| Re: when i make sculpture by ay deee |
28-Oct-05/3:53 PM |
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rogue -do- in the fourth.
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| Re: brave new world still a bit timid by FreeFormFixation |
29-Oct-05/6:29 AM |
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"broadband subterranean tunnels" perfect.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Oct-05/6:33 AM |
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I think you just blew my doors off.
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| Re: The Gospel According to Zodiac by Dovina |
31-Oct-05/6:55 AM |
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| Re: island nation by skaskowski |
1-Nov-05/3:02 PM |
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Which it is soused hogs face?
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| Re: Steak and Satin by Dovina |
4-Nov-05/6:17 AM |
In the first and second you need to bring out more of the body part and less of the decoration. Lose "induce" altogether. The rest seems to move nicely.
Now. would you kindly tell me who put the lefsa in my pants?
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| Re: A Joining Of Souls (edit) by Caducus |
4-Nov-05/6:57 PM |
The last stanza: Remnants of her remain? Yes, that's what remnants do. (Boooo Hissssss)
Lose the corny end rhyme.
"from beneath the lashes" ...(holds arms straight up, palms inward)
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