| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Sleep (Sonnet) by ALChemy Like shells under the ocean so we sleep.
The powdered bed beneath our silhouette
bellows jets of ghostly plumes into the deep.
Unseen for here sunlightâs never let
Blissful drowning Iâll struggle not for breath.
Commend my soul to fly on your jet streams.
Wash me ashore somewhere near Nazareth.
For I am the messiah of my dreams.
In shells for fetal slumber we once slept.
From soul to womb all came and so return all.
Rejoice, the holy covenant has been kept.
For in the final dream we dream eternal.
Till then
each arising brings a reincarnation
from all the things we are or've ever been.
Up the ladder:
The last Celebrity death match (On ice)
Down the ladder:
To Bob, Love Ed
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: October 11, 2005 3:56 AM PDT; Last modified: October 11, 2005 3:56 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.537883 Overall Rank: 2601 Comments:
I think you'd do better without the Jesus references - messiah and Nazareth. A naritave on sleep is ok in itself. The comparison to soul sleep is good.
Originally it was written with a sleep/death comparison. Mega cliche huh? I'm just too damn lazy to change more than two lines at a time I guess. It seems like whenever I start a sonnet I get all preachy in the end. I actually think the Jesus of your dreams idea is a good way to describe your dream self. You may be right though that it seems forced into this poem. Probably because it was.
Good Poem, it is awsome
Thank'ya young'un.
If an 8 is "awsome" then a 10 for you must be downright orgasmic. Sadly I've never read a poem that's done the latter for me yet. By the way I looked up your spelling of "awsome" and it's actually excepted as a word. Ironically "thank'ya" is not.
The poem ofcourse is great but you've used 10+ syllables in a few line. Don't they break out of the pentameter?
And just couldn't resist nitpicking on this bit of a comment by you. "actually excepted as a word" Isn't that supposed to be 'accepted'?
Oh a warning. If you nitpick little things like spelling in peoples comments and replies (unless for comedic reasons like when for instance a girl writes calk when what she really wants is cock) then folks will stop bothering to talk to you altogether. Which may or may not explain your popularity in your personal life.
I actually meant that in jest! And anyway, it's a pretty common error.
The part about your personal life was in jest also but you see how hard it is to convey comedy under the restrictions of literature. Some people on Poemranker never realize others can't hear the sarcasm or deadpan or teasing that they hear in their thoughts while writing their quips.
Anyhow, no harm no foul.
Couldn't resist nitpicking. Is "ofcourse" actually accepted as a word.
Thanks for the compliment. Many of the best sonnets break the rules a little. What about the "Till then" you forgot to mention that too. 299 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I would: Line 6-comma,line seven-delete period,9 delete period,11 and 12 delete periods. Till then? I think that can go too. Let the reins out a little.