poemranker ::Sleep by ALChemy

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Sonnet № 131904

Sleep

by ALChemy

Member since 2005 · Posted 11 Oct 2005 · 11 comments

Like shells under the ocean so we sleep. The powdered bed beneath our silhouette bellows jets of ghostly plumes into the deep. Unseen for here sunlight’s never let Blissful drowning I’ll struggle not for breath. Commend my soul to fly on your jet streams. Wash me ashore somewhere near Nazareth. For I am the messiah of my dreams. In shells for fetal slumber we once slept. From soul to womb all came and so return all. Rejoice, the holy covenant has been kept. For in the final dream we dream eternal. Till then each arising brings a reincarnation from all the things we are or've ever been.

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mean 7.00 weighted 5.54 rank 2586 views 299 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

11 comments

[9] INTRANSIT 11-Oct-05/9:20 AM Reply
Don't worry about the title clashing with mine. two different sleeps. You have more periods than you need.
I would: Line 6-comma,line seven-delete period,9 delete period,11 and 12 delete periods. Till then? I think that can go too. Let the reins out a little.
[n/a] ALChemy › INTRANSIT 11-Oct-05/3:26 PM Reply
I've considered dropping all the periods. I think it will work without them. Sonnets can be quite a struggle. I'm not sure it won't be a little confusing without "Till then" but I'll think that over a bit. I don't think this one beats your last sonnet.
[7] Dovina 12-Oct-05/5:45 PM Reply
I think you'd do better without the Jesus references - messiah and Nazareth. A naritave on sleep is ok in itself. The comparison to soul sleep is good.
[n/a] ALChemy › Dovina 13-Oct-05/5:47 AM Reply
Originally it was written with a sleep/death comparison. Mega cliche huh? I'm just too damn lazy to change more than two lines at a time I guess. It seems like whenever I start a sonnet I get all preachy in the end. I actually think the Jesus of your dreams idea is a good way to describe your dream self. You may be right though that it seems forced into this poem. Probably because it was.
[8] cabot 13-Oct-05/3:47 PM Reply
Good Poem, it is awsome
[n/a] ALChemy › cabot 13-Oct-05/4:08 PM Reply
Thank'ya young'un.

If an 8 is "awsome" then a 10 for you must be downright orgasmic.
Sadly I've never read a poem that's done the latter for me yet.

By the way I looked up your spelling of "awsome" and it's actually excepted as a word. Ironically "thank'ya" is not.
[9] Bhaskaryya 9-Nov-05/6:56 AM Reply
The poem ofcourse is great but you've used 10+ syllables in a few line. Don't they break out of the pentameter?

And just couldn't resist nitpicking on this bit of a comment by you.
"actually excepted as a word"

Isn't that supposed to be 'accepted'?
[n/a] ALChemy › Bhaskaryya 9-Nov-05/7:46 AM Reply
Oh a warning. If you nitpick little things like spelling in peoples comments and replies (unless for comedic reasons like when for instance a girl writes calk when what she really wants is cock) then folks will stop bothering to talk to you altogether. Which may or may not explain your popularity in your personal life.
[9] Bhaskaryya › ALChemy 9-Nov-05/8:29 PM Reply
I actually meant that in jest! And anyway, it's a pretty common error.
[n/a] ALChemy › Bhaskaryya 10-Nov-05/5:15 AM Reply
The part about your personal life was in jest also but you see how hard it is to convey comedy under the restrictions of literature. Some people on Poemranker never realize others can't hear the sarcasm or deadpan or teasing that they hear in their thoughts while writing their quips.
Anyhow, no harm no foul.
[n/a] ALChemy › Bhaskaryya 9-Nov-05/8:05 AM Reply
Couldn't resist nitpicking. Is "ofcourse" actually accepted as a word.
Thanks for the compliment. Many of the best sonnets break the rules a little. What about the "Till then" you forgot to mention that too.