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There is a journey tree (Free verse) by ALChemy There is a journey tree
that stands amidst a river
at the brink of a waterfalls
that ends in a sea of fire
It is the last resort
for those caught by the stream
Despite the rivers rage
its strength will never wane
Two birds around it circle
One pigeon and one dove
and as they pass each other
the birds exchange a feather
Its leaves are crystalline
their colors ever changing
and forever it shall stand
for what it stands for is forever
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Posted: October 16, 2005 12:53 AM PDT; Last modified: October 16, 2005 12:53 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.2689414 Overall Rank: 3820 Comments:
I'm pretty sure it's impossible to stand amidst one thing. If you've just got to stand amidst, it'll have to be amidst parted waters or something such, and who wants to do that?
Also, waterfalls should just be waterfall. Or it should have brinks. I'm confused, does the waterfalls ends in a sea of fire, or the river? At any rate, it's too many strung-together phrases: the tree that's amidst the river that's at the falls that end in fire. Split them up, make some new sentences. I don't understand how the tree relates to (and presumably helps) journeys. Apparently it STOPS people from journeys to the bottoms of the falls. Rivers in "rivers rage" should have an apostrophe, probably before the s. Some regular sentence punctuation would help to. If you're having trouble deciding where, try writing it out in paragraph format and seeing where it doesn't make sense. I thought the birds exchanging feathers was striking though. I have know idea what they mean. Responding to your and Dovina's comments, the refuge you're talking about is the hypothetical itself, so of course the tree doesn't fall.
You can stand in the middle of a stream or shallow river just ask fly fisherman. Come on your really nit-pickin' with the whole strung together phrase thing. But if you make a suggestion that maintains the rhythm of the poem I'll be very greatful. One would imagine logically that both river and falls end in a sea of fire. It relates to journeys because it's at the end of the journey for those who make it to the tree, because its where you would want to be.
Sorry about the lack of punctuation and waterfall misspelling. The birds can represent a lot of things but originally the idea came from noticing how simular doves and pigeons are and yet how differently their percieved and treated. The exchange of feathers being the desolving of this illusion between the two. PS: If you take the personified meanings of the birds it becomes sort of a critique saying that the innocent and the gullable aren't so far off from each other. I thought more symbolic or fictional than hypothetical. Hypothetical tends to imply a realistic situation to me. I was inspired to write this when one day I saw a tree standing in the middle of a stream. I made it a river to make the tree appear more powerful. The rest is just metaphor for a story that in itself was a metaphor for a story (Not that you needed or even wanted to know that). I look foward to your tutelage.
You can stand in the middle of something. You can't stand in amidst it.
There is a journey tree Standing in a wide river Where a waterfall crests Into a sea of fire - is the easiest thing I can think of. Pigeons and doves are the same species. Most "doves" released at dove-releasings are really trained homing pigeons. I was just using someone else's "hypothetical". Unfortunately, it was Dovina's. You're wrong thinking hypothetical implies a "realistic" situation. Recently on poemranker we've had hypothetical worlds where, among other things - humans evolved with hairy asses, - I'm not wearing pants, and - people communicate using only lies. An image like your tree is nice for a color-by-numbers painting over the TV, the kind usually depicting lighthouses standing against the storm, or rainstorms looming over a small Alpine cottage. If you mean it to be a story, or poem, or story-poem, or poem-story, I think you need it to do something. I also think that'll be really hard to do. People who try tend to do one or more of the following things: - Be walking along full of doubt and find the tree, - Be swept along in the river and grab the tree, - Remember the tree from youth and return to find it gone, - Be Samuel T. Coleridge and zonked on Mexican brown.
To elaborate, you seem to be coming at things from a kind of Wordsworth-&-Coleridge Romantic position. That is, you have an image you want to show people, and the rest of the poem (to the extent there is one) is kind of a shabby prop or excuse for that. Cf, all the poems in Lyrical Ballads - "We Are Seven" is the first that comes to mind. I'd have to read the book again to think of the others. Oh, this isn't Wordsworth or STC, but "Ozymandias", too.
Personally, I think that's kind of a weak way to write your poem, or to get around to your image. I'll accept that I'm more narrative-minded than is healthy, but I think this is going to leave even the straight-up imagists among us wanting. Sarcasm aside, if this were my image I'd try to add some aspects of (yes) story-telling: a character, a progression, a change. The real approach I'd take is to lighten or semiundermine the allegory imagery (sea of fire, birds actually changing feathers), to make it pretty much subjective. I.e., walking at a specific time, thinking about some specific situation in his life, guy sees tree with birds flying around, imagines the rest. Or maybe it's sunset, so as he's looking out what he sees actually looks like a sea of fire, etc. That's tough, I know. I've got tons of images thought up that I'm always trying to find ways to slip into poems. Note: I meant "You can't stand amidst it, amidst a river." I'm mistyping all over the place. I blame Arabs. Now if I could only figure out HOW...
That's some of the best criticism I've read. Actually it's from a regular prose story. It's just a poem one of the characters recalls after they actually find the tree. Story poems are incredibly hard to do well. Usually either the story or the poetry is hindered because of it. I admit the poems got alot of flaws. I really like it mostly for its sound. I think there's a sweet spot that floats between free-verse and conventional verse but it's hard as hell to hit.
I looked up "amidst" and the first definition I got was "in the middle of" so maybe its an outdated usage of the word I don't know. Great suggestion for a change though. Pigeons and doves: And yet people treat them so differently. Sometimes when I write or draw I start with an image and just let the poem evolve piece by piece never exactly sure where it will go. This usually ends with a product that's high in sound, low in logic. Then I edit. I wonder if Wordsworth and Coleridge approached writing that way. Most of the story (that the poem is in) takes place in a dream world.(I know cliches abound) But the story was meant to be sort of a parable of the Gospels. It was my attempt to put the reader into the mind and perspective of a messiah in a way they could imagine and relate to. Not a good subject to write a first book on. I'd be a hypocrite to criticize your spelling. Although it's fun to point out because it happens so rarely with you. Sorry it took so long to reply. I was on vacation.
I don't feel that the dove and the pigeon make any contribution to the theme.
My questions are, why pigeon? Why dove (and please, let it not be purity and peace, cause that's way too hackneyed...) and what is the significance of exchanging feathers?
The dove and pigeon are open to interpretation as is most of the poem. They could represent racism, religion, sexism, social hierarchy, etc. The point is, is that they are practically the same but are more often than not percieved as different. The exchanging of feathers is the dissolving of these kinds of illusions. In my personal view (but this doesn't have to be the only view) The birds are actually a critique of the actual theme itself. Saying why save some and not all, why call some a pigeon and some a dove? In that way the poem is as hypocritical as life itself.
I appreciate your wanting to make them represent all these things, but if you don't try to make them represent AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE THINGS well, you're not doing very good poetry. Ambiguity is 99% of the time just sloppiness.
To me it represents one thing but it's kinda like saying God and expecting everyone to think of the same god your thinking of. I think it's lack of elaboration is due more to my laziness then sloppiness.
Zodiac is right, about the usage of 'stands amidst' and brink/waterfall, brinks/waterfalls. but be careful of 'that ends'...alot of s's.
You go from talking about the birds...(Which I think is very cool, BTW.) to talking about the tree's leaves, again. ('Its leaves'The transition there left me unclear for a second. I wonder if the bird thing would work better as the ending, that way you concentrate on the tree, then pan up to the birds above it. Some puncutation would be helpful. I like this piece...and I believe there is always a 'tree', of some sort or another, even if it is only the one I construct in my mind's eye.
Thanks LadyPoet
The bird thing was kinda an experiment. It in one way criticizes the pre-concieved religious symbolism of the tree and in that way contradicts it. I thought it would be appropriate to have the bird line interupt the poem but I conceed it does throw the reader off a bit. I looked up booth brink and amidst and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Brink: The upper edge of a steep or vertical slope. The verge. Amidst:(or Amid) Surrounded by; in the middle of. I must be missing something obvious I guess. Good suggestions. I hope there's a tree too. Lord knows I'll probably need it. Sorry about the punctuation I must have had something against periods that day.
I got here late. Add me to the barrage. However ,I like the dove/pigeon thing. The core is good. Lift that bale! Tote that barge!
Much as we have been arguing on my work, I thought it reasonable to have a look at some of yours and put a few damming comments down there; however, I am pleasantly surprised by the flow and imagery, each word is simple, yet their combination is elegant and shows shapely structure. Underated, with a message delivered well in the last two lines.
Thanks. I never got around to saying for obvious reasons that your poems have that same sense of flow. I think we both tend to lean towards the musical effect of poetry. I bet you'd appreciate the works of E.A. Poe. He was really my introduction into poetry.
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The poem came from a story I started to write years ago and never finished. Hense the assured title. It does exist at least in that story.