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The Friendship Storm (Free verse) by x0lovelylarnx0 On with life our friends will go
Embarking on a new road
Fluffy White Storm clouds cluster in the sky
Blocking the sun from shining down on their lives
Love hides in the dark rain
The Lovers remain separate as the storm reigns
Lighting Shatters the heart in half
Thunder thrashes out on it's soul mate
The storm blows over
Leaving in a rush to tear another lost heart into shreds
The sun pours it's love and warmth onto the Victim's wretched luck
The paths connect back at the start
Now these lovers must never part
Up the ladder:
There is a journey tree
Down the ladder:
Unfair
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: October 9, 2007 2:19 PM PDT; Last modified: October 11, 2007 4:54 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2689414 Overall Rank: 3820 Comments:
[3]
Skamper @ 58.171.31.190
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13-Oct-07/9:28 PM
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Reply
this is very bland - you need to drop such overused phrases and take what is in your head and write it in your own words...don't worry about what other people rate your work, it's not that important...honestly you seem to want to play to the masses instead of just playing.
[n/a]
x0lovelylarnx0 @ 68.57.36.157
> Skamper
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14-Oct-07/12:41 PM
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your last sentence doesn't make since to me! lol
[3]
Skamper @ 58.171.9.238
> x0lovelylarnx0
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14-Oct-07/7:44 PM
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Reply
Ok...you have an idea in your head of what you want to write and it seems to me you use terms that are overused and very familiar to what the public will see. Instead of thinking about what YOU see, you create the scene that's easily recognisible but totally worn out. If you write just for the recognition then you need to relax and find your own style - because this is fairly generic.
[n/a]
x0lovelylarnx0 @ 68.57.36.157
> Skamper
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15-Oct-07/11:17 AM
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Got Ya! lol Slow much! If I find time I might try to re-do this poem. I never have time to relax and find my own style!
The word "separate" is the strongest word in this poem, thank you. Cheers and beers, and welcome to Area 6, secret hideout.
too many words
is that like all you know how to say is too many words!?
despite the ongoing comments by other people, I liked this it even made me go read more of your stuff....
Why thank you! I finally got a good comment!
This one has potential. I do not understand the caps on "White Storm", "Lovers", "Shatters and "Victim's". I also feel that the this would read better with shorter sentence structure, i.e.
"The lover's remain separate as the storm reignsd. This poem does not need to rhyme and word choice, especially in the last two lines would make this an excellent read. Also, don;t worry about rockmage and his incessant need to be noticed by giving Zeros. No poem deserves a Zero unless it is so esoteric no one can decipher it or the form and structure is so bad that the writer needs serious help. 201 view(s)
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