poemranker ::When He's In Me by J.B. Manning

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Free verse № 61722

When He's In Me

by J.B. Manning

Member since 2003 · Posted 21 Aug 2003 · Edited 2 Sep 2003 · 11 comments

He walks with me His voice Angelic and sweet Primal he breathes Through slightly clenched teeth Wanting me Taunting me Slowly raising up the heat In me I accept This open invitation Offer up My own interpretation Of spiritual bliss Slight bite with my kiss My chest pressed To his Pain Sparks In my mind Slightly Stimulates And separates Us from them Bite me Harder Just below my ear Heart beat Quickened breath I love being queer The power of he When he’s next to me like metal and steal Of some Sweet machine Crotch rocket Or jet plane Adrenaline pumping Through every vein And sweat so sweet That sour seems Discreet And poison is but Wine Made right With time

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mean 6.00 weighted 5.27 rank 3812 views 276 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

11 comments

[9] SupremeDreamer 21-Aug-03/3:35 PM Reply
Lightly slightly - pick one and move on.. please dont repeat the same thing twice for a sing line.. its redundant..

Not a bad erotic write.. but i think you could revise this to a much better output.. up to you anyway.

blessed with 8.
[5] <~> 21-Aug-03/7:03 PM Reply
nice build-up. i especially like "sweat so sweet that sour seems discreet".

typo: steel, not steal, right?

also: "Pain
Sparks
In my mind
Lightly slightly
Stimulates
And separates
Us from them"

who is us and who is them? gay/straight? something else? maybe it doesn't need to be explained, because this is about the heat, and i'm not wearing my inflammable cat suit tonight.

oh well.
[n/a] J.B. Manning › <~> 29-Aug-03/2:35 PM Reply
Us = passionate, lovers, true love, real passion

Them = those who want it, wish they had it, fake it
[7] abecedarian 2-Sep-03/4:02 PM Reply
sweat so sweet that sour seems discreet... yum
(a 7 for finding your way into my closet)

'I love being queer' leaks momentum, however. We can tell you like it without you telling us.

For some reason I'm not fond of the invitation/interpretation bit as well.
[n/a] J.B. Manning › abecedarian 2-Sep-03/4:34 PM Reply
hmm, interesting point on the love being queer part. I think I'll keep it though. It's more of an exclamation to myself. The invitation/interpretation part is not to your liking? Hmm, that's my favorite part. Oh well. Thanks for the 7.
[8] Bachus 3-Sep-03/2:01 AM Reply
Normally, homosexual poetry doesn't do me right, but I read this poem while listening to Ginsberg sing C'mon jack, and let me tell you? I laughed more than once. here's an eight.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Bachus 3-Sep-03/5:10 AM Reply
You like making strange bedfellows, don't you.
[n/a] J.B. Manning › INTRANSIT 3-Sep-03/1:23 PM Reply
Do you mean me? I don't make "Strange" bed fellows. My boyfriend is by far one of the least, "Strange" people I have ever met.
[9] SupremeDreamer 3-Sep-03/5:29 AM Reply
nice revised edition. 9.
[8] moonlightdance 5-Jul-04/9:33 AM Reply
love the poem!
[8] moonlightdance › moonlightdance 5-Jul-04/9:36 AM Reply
btw, this comes from a person who normally would find the topic a little daunting