Re: a comment on Seizures by Sunny	1-Jun-06/2:24 PM
Ranger, I do admire your mind & the interpretation that flow out of it as well...I am a laid back individual & write flexibly enough for the wondering mind, for readers that posess such. But, no, I was speaking of my actual own life & I'm not dead yet & am only 23, although you were very right in seeing into the way this makes me feel sometimes - old, tired; I want the reader to feel, at least see that I have not made peace as an elderly person might with the side affects of their age, but rather describe it with a grey soberness, a mood that an intune reader will pick up from this poem, leading them to believe I speak of the subject as unexpected, something that isn't welcome, but still apart of me. ~Sunny
Re: Painkillers for Fun by Sunny	1-Jun-06/2:06 PM
Ranger, Honored at the score...once again, despite all the sloppy imperfections of original versions. Thanks for choosing to comment on a few of my poems out of the many out there that are actually good, some of the time-I never said that :0 In reference back to your persistantly knowledgable comments: -I'll move blinked (which is definitely a verb in this line's context), to the line above, for a 'smoother ride'-you're right Ranger -The whole dog usage...honestly...what? Please explain what you are referring to; I'm totally lost on that one -I did get carried away like a mad woman on my white kick, thanks for pointing that out...I mean, I would hope people would tell me if I my bikini top slid off in the water & I had no clue...ya know?? Thanks for everything :) ~Sunny
Re: trained by calliope	30-May-06/3:17 PM
A few thoughts: -L5S1: I don't find your choice of "delicious" a great amplifying of description -L3S2: A nit-pick...but I would add "where" to the following line to enhance a cleaner line break if I were you -Even though a very shadowed one, you write of the city's character & personality per say pretty well. Nicely done. ~Sunny Sweep down and gather the clouds in an aluminum bowl. Travel through the trellis where the vagrants have embellished the delicate, delicious cement with graffiti. Climb up the side of the Sears Tower. Wipe all the windows where widows were made after businessmen husbands were pimped at and paid. Then spend some time on the platform at night. Let a few trains pass before you ride. And take in the sights before you burrow beneath and disappear til your lonliness brings you back here.
Re: The Freezer by Bazilla	25-May-06/11:16 PM
Funny, I made some nit-picks next to some of your lines though... You had to clap out on us, It was sad but true, All the chicken within,> I'm honestly asking, is the insertion of commas even when they aren't necessary a certain form because I've seen it done several times & seriously don't know Had to be stewed. All the food has had to be cooked, And all the remains, 13 Curries to keep us going till Xmas,> You can still have a lax style to this poem & make "till" - " 'till" & "Xmas" - "Christmas"...Christmas isn't that hard to spell after all :) 10 Chicken Tonights for all the days,> Umm, "Chicken Tonights"...what?? And Vienettas galore. We got ??170 composations,> The ?? before 170 is a bit strange looking; I'd put them behind the number, if I was going to put them in at all But if the truth be told,> This whole line could very well be taken out in my opinion It turned out it was the fuse, That refused to be so bold. So now we have high portions, And now we have ??170, And now we have our freezer back, And now we have a fuse.> Too many lines of the same stanza above. You could leave this stanza, but condense all the 'and's' & repition in general I think I love you Freezer, You keep me warm, Please don't ever leave, I mean you no harm.> Intended strange last impression that means, well, who knows what?? -Sunny
Re: The Flawed Inventor by Caducus	25-May-06/10:58 PM
Interesting lesson you learned & took note to...A few notes I wanted to point out: -L4S4: Very smart when looking at the aftermath in this 'story' -L2S2: I recognize the "brown" of "brown windows" is repeated in the last stanza, but I don't understand the signifigant meaning behind the use of brown??? -Sunny
Re: Godproof Hat by Dovina	21-May-06/6:14 PM
Well done limerick. I think the Buddhiistic choice is a bit of a confusion, to me at least, not speculating you are speaking of Christianity at all due to the low caps, but I still don't know where it came from. I loved the second stanza due to your raw imagery, but I have to say (and I am fully aware you are you might very well be more wise than I in this poetic world, but...) I don't think this well done poem should be composed as a limerick. Free verse. Limericks are for the jolly's. That is not the tone I got from this, just my opinion. Overall, very impressive. Powerful. ~Sunny
Re: Tattered by VintageLove08	21-May-06/5:53 PM
This poem obviously carries much emotion with it...which you can do a lot with. I think you managed to pinpoint a lot of emotion dead-on, if you will, but there were a few things I wanted to point out to you: -L2: "paper cuts"?? -L5: Nice -L10: I didn't understand how malaise could be a friend?? -Last line: I thought you could end with more emotion, more grasp on the heart of your theme, in my personal opinion. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Still Air Sticks by Sunny	21-May-06/5:30 PM
Dearest 'Sweetlove', Enlighten elsewhere with your brilliance, not here. ~Sunny
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	20-May-06/1:55 PM
I found this to be a very clean piece, although I am one of 'those' who doesn't really care for caps w/ each new line, but I can still look past this of course. I like circles. I like circular stories...so is life, isn't it?! My own personal notes: -L2S1: I think starting out the line with "For" is unnecessary & reads awkwardly -The play again & again of humility such as bringing up the van they were in repeatedly & such word usage as "...the best little farm..." is very nicely played on -This is a "growth poem" per say - I liked that -Didn't like how the "forest HEATED her home"...just didn't click w/ me -Don't feel SHE needs to be screamed out in all caps. I don't feel that way in any instance in poetry however, just me. -Good ending. Sharp & unpredictable, reading line by line ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Seizures by Sunny	20-May-06/7:26 AM
Glad you got the tulips like porcelain part. I am speaking of a diagnosis & how I view the world from my eyes, an inward look out, if you will. Old pictures are apparitions because they reflect ghosts in them that once lived...is this of any explanation to you Dovina?? ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Seizures by Sunny	20-May-06/7:21 AM
Sorry for the confusion about the different COLORED tulips, I was talking about the white one's...The jist of this poem is simply a view of how I see the world after a certain diagnosis (check title), & how it has effected me mentally. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Seizures by Sunny	20-May-06/7:18 AM
Thanks for commenting on the fact that you think it sounds good. It's about a diagnosis, & how I saw the world at that moment...however, in the end, it sends off with an up note stating I will leave that gloom 'for the weak'. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Sun (Pantoum) by Sunny	10-May-06/9:17 PM
Well thank you Ranger, your opinions/ critiques are always warmly welcomed by me. I was wondering what you would think of this one...a bit, well, risky when it came to the play on words. To be completely honest w/ you, I didn't know what I was trying to underlying say, but that's why I have you!! Alcohlic is actually right on & something w/ a personal connotation to myself, but not me personally. See, my uncle committed suicide several years ago, & he was a severe alcoholic (he knew he was dying you see), & he would start the drinking evernight whenever the early evening would settle it's way in, if you will. Awww. The sun, bring about the evening when it rolls, brings about the dirt, or how he saw himself anyway...if he only knew. Thanks for "listening" in a sense, but YOU sparked what it was that I just couldn't quite put my finger on in this one; I just knew how I needed this one to be portrayed. I have a lot I feel I need to tell, blaming nature w/ personifications really because I respect it's beauty so much, I feel that it can defy the darkest of enemies, even if they are ourselves. Thanks for the little awakening going on here Ranger :) You've brought about a lot more depth for me to work with. ~Christin Note: I only read 1 definition for a Pantoum. There was nothing in there about lines for the last vs. being altered at all or any sort of rhyme scheme in the "examples". I'm sure there are different branches from the original. I'll have to research fully through. Thanks for the helpful info!!
Re: a comment on Awasa, Ethiopia by Beatriz Romero by Sunny	8-May-06/3:12 PM
Impressive once again Ranger!! The tree: the tree of life (this part is by no means obvious), the sky> "The Oz ceiling/ appeared to be quite encompassed/ with frustrations where the blanketed overcast/ lie flat on its back on the ebony horizon./ Other parts of the sky were showing/ their sheet of mist, with the sun gaping/ through it’s teeth," represents life, good vs. evil. Evil being "frustrations...overcast," "lie flat ON ITS BACK..." I chose this misty representation to lie on its back as a submissive position to the "...parts of the sky were showing...the sun gaping through its (evil's) teeth"> the good. our battle through life (i chose the sky to represent) of the good & the bad. "She is going to walk on this plain of sorts,...all the way straight into it’s very eternity:/ a procession that might go until the clock..." is ground, whatever your eyes might decipher it as, representing the eternities (aka - heaven, the afterlife, what you will..). You nailed it. Thank goodness someone will, ha ha... -Sunny
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	8-May-06/12:19 PM
My apologies for my own unintelligence & lack of foresight. You may not be able to see this, but I gave you an 8; as I read & continue to reread, I realized my first critique was written premature, out of just plain stupidity. Slightly embarrassed, but thought it was quite the brilliant piece, ~Sunny -I hope we continue to critique one another; I find your critiques very insightful & intelligent. I promise to do 'my research' on my next critique :)
Re: Guttural Responses are Best Saved for Light-rail Mondays by MacFrantic	6-May-06/9:52 AM
Bravo, bravo, bravo. Funny as hell, literally & very well written. No crit on this one... ~Sunny
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	6-May-06/9:34 AM
Hey Ranger, OK, I hope this is the most recent write you wanted my commentary on, more like a critique, which I am more than appeased to do; you are so faithful to my writes. Here are some examples of nit-picks I didn't care for... -I don't care for poetry lacking correct punctuation. Punctuation is a huge confusion-killer to the reader (I know you only left out the periods, but in order to do this, the poem MUST be extremely clear on how it is to be read & theme as well, which is a tactic I have not even attempted yet myself). Fragments, as is the main composition of the first stanza, are fine, but an entire strophe of them can get under my skin a bit... -Overall, hate to say it, I found little grasp of clarity. It seemed to me you sort of ventured off into winter wonderland half way through, never to return. My mere opinion of course. This choppy style simply does not give your reader enough to hold onto, to grasp the in-depth theme of this poem. I saw too many descriptions after descriptions after...you get it, leading to where? -Lastly, I thought it was too long, unparalleling itself from the overall theme. I do get the overall theme & believe these types of poems should punch with "show," no "tell" in a Dickenson sort of way. I think you get very distracted from your base theme. With every line, every word, ask yourself if it is a direct response back to what you are trying to portray to your reader; this is critical in good poetry, & I know you are more than capable of this, no doubt. -Again, lastly, avoid similes. I am contracted w/ a poetry professor out of NY who taught me this valuable "slap on the hand," per say. The usage of similes only distracts the reader from theme, big no-no. Sorry for the novel, but I was truly just trying to be of some kind of help... ~Sunny
Re: a comment on “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	5-May-06/8:32 AM
I am sooo thrilled you GOT IT...didn't mean for it to be this in-depth, expecially w/ the extremely meaningful pic, but somehow people ran around in all directions over this one. I hated my revision, but I know that's what I HAD to do, while maintaining a bit of my own style, to narrate what I portray from the very clear depiction in my mind's eye...you got it Ranger!! Thank you, thank you & a few more your way :)! First of all, this IS a controversial peace because it's main, brightly photographed pics, are those of a form of religious character. I don't give 2 --- about that (don't like morrally what I have to say, don't bother reading it; I was never on a debate team or anything :), anyway, I went w/ the whole good & evil plot because of the colors, strictly the colors illustrated the drab, almost grey misery resembled the darkness the pure and holy munks were trudging against so faithfully, as to "deny it" - yes, as to sever themselves from it's dark nature & dirtiness (all personification, but can't you see how this is all fitting??) To back up my theory, their bright customes represented the good, the LIGHT, that can be shone right threw in the heaviest of fogs, conquering the bad onece again with "the lights"> to be looked up in referring to Buddism because "light-plan" is actually referred to in this culture, as when I describe these monks as "light-lovers" near the bottom of the stanzas. Feel free to ask or comment on any clarities or un-clarities I have or have yet to make. Your opinion is greatly appreciated here anyday!!
Re: Throne by MacFrantic	28-Apr-06/3:47 PM
I actually liked this mideival glory-theme :) You held close to your theme throughout which we all know is crucial in poetry. Your style even echoed of old English (not true old English of course or neither of us would understand a lick of it...). Your word choice was not only smart but another compliment to the overall theme, I like that tightness you managed to pull off so well!! I also found your stanza variation to be quite exciting & a breath of fresh air from the norm. I might have to try this spicey stanza altercation once myself!! Thanks for the read, ~Sunny
Re: Turn your back by kliq	28-Apr-06/3:25 PM
Sooo what your portraying here is a mockery of society because we judge others without getting to know them first?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I got from it anyway...As far as my commentary goes, I really did think about the style, pattern, theme, if the poem "grabbed me" per say, and you aren't going to like this, I apologize for my honesty, but...I didn't care for it. It is not a style I enjoy: maybe I've seen it too much or just need elements such as imagery & whimsey in poetry, but that's just me. Others might completely relate. And it's not like I write about kittens & daisies or like reading that kind of material for that matter, I mean Plath is my favorite for goodness sake, so it's not that I don't appreciate the dark undertones...or flat-out obvious dark "overtones" like in this poem... Thanks for the read however, ~Sunny