Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	28-Apr-06/3:12 PM
OK, I liked this one until the last couple of stanzas where somehow I was taken into your mind's eye of life's time-toll into one particular instance of death...you the original main character, became lost into a guy in a gun fight...& as far as the last stanza, I couldn't tell if you were still talking about the above stanzas gunned-down death or another fighting instance. I get what you are trying to emphasize here, but the theme is still broken & lost in my opinion. Other than this major unclarity, I really did like your overall style :) Good, clean line breaks with a lot of action going on, kudos to you on that. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Cry by Sunny	28-Apr-06/1:10 AM
Wow...umm...anger management perhaps. I am not really going to reflect on your comments, I don't have enough care to; you have no clue about my past, neither do I to you... I never imagined "God's wife (note on the capitilization) would be such an unhappy person - dissappointing. Hmmm. I will make sure to check out your poetry, that is what I will learn what "real talent" consists of...right? Good luck to you.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	27-Apr-06/10:14 AM
Dovina, Thank you, thank you & more gratitude thrown your way!! You are of such help to the overall improving in my poetry, or attempts in creating true "poetry". In regards to your comments: I did mean "dissever" could be a synynim for "sever," BUT the point of me using "dissever" was for alliteration purposes, later comes discriminate & divides...however, this was not done successfully or people would have noticed what my intentions were now wouldn't they? So, I'm revising, applying many of your knowledgable commentary, & change dissever to sever, also by your critique, I have taken out "the people" in L3S2 & taken out "at night" in the last line of the poem. You, again, were of great help to me, which I am very grateful for :) Be on the look for yours, ~Sunny
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	27-Apr-06/10:04 AM
Amanda, First off, you exactly right on your thesis about separation that takes place by way of sleep...this makes me very happy that you picked up on this HUGE theme going on here. Second, in L2S2 you mentioned of my intended meaning of "plan" instead of "plain" is not correct. I meant to use "plain," which is a corrilation to the nomad metaphor & the lands they "separate" from everyday, or quite frequently anyway...double meaning here, you see? Thanks so much for your commentary, accuracy of the underlying pattern in the theme & all of your knowledge given :) ~Sunny P.S.-I'm a she, ha ha :)
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	25-Apr-06/7:54 PM
Dearest Zodiac, I chose "dissever" rather than "sever"...oh yeah, you won't be back to care to my response, my bad :) ~Sunny
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	25-Apr-06/4:55 PM
Dissever, discriminate & ramify all corrilate with the UNDERLYING pattern. You might want to look up this vocabulary. The theme of the poem of this poem lies in these words. ~Sunny
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	24-Apr-06/6:43 PM
I'll say this much: your line breaks were good. Keep in mind this is my mear opinion, but there was nothing bad about this poem, but nothing good, poetically, to me at all. Where is the imagery, sentence structure, which was quite mundane, irony, evocating phrases, irony, alliteration, unlying theme...any of these elements that make poetry good poetry?? First of all your first few lines had nothing to do with you main themes of love & hope, which words were used too repetitively. I know that this sole purpose was to inspire not be all philisophical, but it needs to grab your reader, not pep-talk them. Great speech, as far as in a poetical sense, made some revision. Best wishes, ~Sunny
Re: A Bronze Mule by Dovina	24-Apr-06/6:25 PM
Awww, now that it was layed out on a plate for me, thanks Dovina, but I promise I didn't make sure it was broken down before I read, I read first. I picked up on the scene in itself all right...all except the personal issue. I'm sorry, not to be mistaken for pity or such - I see the literary beauty that came out of those sorrows, easier said than gone through I know. *Clever theme you chose & quite appropriate in time-line sense for this metaphorical statue of a poem, but... *Not too crazy about the line breaks; I found quite a few to be a bit random & off-guard at times. Turning a cut stone into a diamond...cheers... ~Sunny
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	24-Apr-06/6:10 PM
Here goes...I had to do some research for this one - I like that though :) *For your intended three-part "levels" if you will, I find the poem too undefined to really see by MOST readers, some will be on this level however. *Don't care for your choice in "fayre" in light of "fair," coming from a Plath lover & Shakespeare, well, dis-lover...you get it. *But more predominently overall...you do not need me to tell you that this is a well thought out piece that definitely stands for a second or third read; it deserves this much anyway. Very "vintag" poetry (with vintage technique). Very smart. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	24-Apr-06/3:07 PM
OK, thanks for the 8, but in response to your "rant" back, Ranger & Dovina, believe it or not I DO comment on other's work, maybe not on yours all the time, but I do write my share of critiques. Since all the "good poets" have left due to little commentary, & there is no poets left to "learn from," I would only feel a bit silly to stay here & dwell in a place I feel I cannot be learned from or just considered mediocre, whether I am to you all or not...can't help but make me wonder if all your critiques were because I'm an easy read or easy reading material that can be picked through by the "bigger fish". After listening to this conversation of sorts, who wouldn't be tempted to pick up their things & go...why not, all the "real poets" have.
Re: a comment on Lovely Independence by Sunny	20-Apr-06/9:50 AM
Revision of last vs. in Lovely Independence I am the mouse weary of the fat cat and the child eating cookies in the closet. I tip-toe on your word's current, and my mood changes when the tone of your voice hardens from sap to wood. I agree and forgive-agree and forgive. You love this pattern I have taken on recently. After we fight, you are the comforter that has the power to nurture my bleeding wrists, to untie the sailor's knot driven deep into my insides. The confident one...you are not allayed of the insomnia and the fear of botching it: in purdah and solely stag- my lovely independence.
Re: It destroyed my life by T. Jonathron Remp	19-Apr-06/9:50 AM
I know you are trying to get across a deep agony here but, there are certain things I did not like poetically about this piece: the line breaks threw me off with you half-sliced thoughts, the dramatic line indentations that I have no clue as to why those lines in particular are meant to be so emphasized, the -all of a sudden- rhyming scheme plopped into the poem. This poem needs to be clarified & "tidied up" overall a lot in my opinion. ~Sunny
Re: Nonchalantly by Plaidypus	19-Apr-06/9:41 AM
I liked the way you went "nonchalantly" around your conclusion of becoming anorexic. You told the story, in a way, of the origin of this crippling disease, which I also find quite interesting. Good, clean line breaks. I liked the overall feel of it. You got your point across very clearly & had no problems whatsoever with you clarity. Your poem survived by the way you went around explaining so "nonchalantly" something that has the potential to be deadly, ironically enough. Thanks, Sunny
Re: Simon's Legacy (draft) by Caducus	6-Apr-06/11:17 AM
I don't rate like that, well, ever since I became a member of this site. Penetrable (I can relate to family suicide as well). Your poem as a whole was brilliantly thought up & scorched onto paper (or post). No more I can say about this except it deserves much better ratings than it has recieved...I can see the incredible talent in this peice. ~Sunny
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	6-Apr-06/11:08 AM
Your imagery is nice, very thoughtful, but you hardly out-Plathed Plath, coming from a Plath researcher & fan (this is not an insult by any means, & I hope you don't interpret it as one). I understand perfectly the concept of a hidden sky-don't see what all the uproar is on that part?? Our styles are a bit similar, so maybe I can just picture the scene clearly with your choice of imagery. The only part I didn't care for was, "For thick on thick air"-I just don't think it adds any elements poetically of thematically. Great theme by the way. ~Sunny
Re: Monsters by raven_the_poet	1-Apr-06/2:36 PM
For the most part, & I am not out to hurt feelings, but in order to improve, we must take the blatent truth sometimes, adults don't want to read a novel-lenght poem about monsters. Some of your comparisons were almost funny, they had such an elementary element to them...I could go on but overall, I didn't finish your poem because I became pretty bored. Try studying some talented free verse poetry, maybe changing your style might work. You have the narrative imagination but it needs to be pulled up quite a few notches to be a "good read." ~Sunny
Re: Piccadilly to Baker Street by Caducus	1-Apr-06/2:28 PM
I liked this one a lot. Intellectual wording with vivid description of assorted personalities and a clever ending. I felt a couple of lines in S1 were a bit forced...just too much if you know what I mean. I liked this read overall though. ~Sunny
Re: The copper man and Labrador by Caducus	30-Mar-06/7:32 PM
I know you are full of commentary on this one, but I think I'll take a stabb at one, after reading your poem & other's comments...Their were quite a bit of references that I didn't "get," like when the dog turned blue...I have to say that is pretty hard translate that into a siren's lights-too random & out of the blue for me at least. I must admit I had my difficulties with "neon reapers" as well :( I did however, think this poem was well thought out & surfaces a man's best friend/ love emotion, that brilliantly contrasted with human greed-inevitable human greed. It touched me, not going to lie. I might be a sap for that, but because it was able to surface a little emotion after I read it, I give you two thumbs up on this one :) ~Sunny
Re: Divorcing Tennessee by Dovina	30-Mar-06/7:16 PM
I had to see what all the hype was about, jk! No, I actually wanted to read some of your writings since you have been so observant & helpful to me in my own. You were tight in a lot of lines, but I couldn't help but have a problem with all the "you's". Yes, I will through in one once in a while for effect, but they run rampant over this piece. I am not the one missing Tennessee, & I am not the one wanting to smell wood smoke afterall...you are. What made me vote the way I did, your clarity in theme, staying tightly to your theme & I did like the examples of what you missed about your home; you were able to "show the reader, not tell". You know that no-no in poetry. Interesting read overall Dovina. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Mirror by Sunny	29-Mar-06/12:23 PM
Wow there cowboy! You have poor interpretation skills. Good luck on your next "critique". P.S.-I never write of myself by the way...or my appearance.