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Simon's Legacy (draft) (Free verse) by Caducus
I was your womb sonic a prince of failed grain harvested from liquor off the M43 near Glasgow. You were my Mother the darling of curbs who fed me needles and a breast for subway coins. My Father was my brother he once played with matches for fire brought attention and a red chariot of stern Fathers. My brother was my hero he saved me many times and saved himself till I left Mum to hang himself from his fire truck. At my brothers funeral I gave my Mum a present, the sonogram of Simon and the note he left, the next day i saw her she wore a long black dress and looked like Ava Garner.

Up the ladder: Orca
Down the ladder: Diptych

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.2384057
Overall Rank: 4079
Posted: February 28, 2006 7:18 AM PST; Last modified: February 28, 2006 7:52 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 28-Feb-06/8:05 AM | Reply
I'd like to see a word after "mother" in L1 S2 to reflect the "womb sonic" line.
To say my brother became my father might be a little less confusing in S3. I'm not sure how he managed hang himself from his firetruck.
Some hardcore stuff here though.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 1-Mar-06/11:22 AM | Reply
Emotive, as usual
[9] INTRANSIT @ 12.109.26.194 | 1-Mar-06/3:00 PM | Reply
"Draft" o' the day. Cheers!
[10] Sunny @ 66.69.36.222 | 6-Apr-06/11:17 AM | Reply
I don't rate like that, well, ever since I became a member of this site. Penetrable (I can relate to family suicide as well). Your poem as a whole was brilliantly thought up & scorched onto paper (or post). No more I can say about this except it deserves much better ratings than it has recieved...I can see the incredible talent in this peice.

~Sunny
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