Re: It destroyed my life by T. Jonathron Remp	19-Apr-06/9:50 AM
I know you are trying to get across a deep agony here but, there are certain things I did not like poetically about this piece: the line breaks threw me off with you half-sliced thoughts, the dramatic line indentations that I have no clue as to why those lines in particular are meant to be so emphasized, the -all of a sudden- rhyming scheme plopped into the poem. This poem needs to be clarified & "tidied up" overall a lot in my opinion. ~Sunny
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	24-Apr-06/6:10 PM
Here goes...I had to do some research for this one - I like that though :) *For your intended three-part "levels" if you will, I find the poem too undefined to really see by MOST readers, some will be on this level however. *Don't care for your choice in "fayre" in light of "fair," coming from a Plath lover & Shakespeare, well, dis-lover...you get it. *But more predominently overall...you do not need me to tell you that this is a well thought out piece that definitely stands for a second or third read; it deserves this much anyway. Very "vintag" poetry (with vintage technique). Very smart. ~Sunny
Re: A Bronze Mule by Dovina	24-Apr-06/6:25 PM
Awww, now that it was layed out on a plate for me, thanks Dovina, but I promise I didn't make sure it was broken down before I read, I read first. I picked up on the scene in itself all right...all except the personal issue. I'm sorry, not to be mistaken for pity or such - I see the literary beauty that came out of those sorrows, easier said than gone through I know. *Clever theme you chose & quite appropriate in time-line sense for this metaphorical statue of a poem, but... *Not too crazy about the line breaks; I found quite a few to be a bit random & off-guard at times. Turning a cut stone into a diamond...cheers... ~Sunny
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	24-Apr-06/6:43 PM
I'll say this much: your line breaks were good. Keep in mind this is my mear opinion, but there was nothing bad about this poem, but nothing good, poetically, to me at all. Where is the imagery, sentence structure, which was quite mundane, irony, evocating phrases, irony, alliteration, unlying theme...any of these elements that make poetry good poetry?? First of all your first few lines had nothing to do with you main themes of love & hope, which words were used too repetitively. I know that this sole purpose was to inspire not be all philisophical, but it needs to grab your reader, not pep-talk them. Great speech, as far as in a poetical sense, made some revision. Best wishes, ~Sunny
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Apr-06/1:51 AM
"Please don't feel intimidated by me./ It is the faith that true love can overcome anything./ And yes I love love love telling stories./ It's very humbling for me when I can communicate intimately with another human being..." Being the "fucking loser" I am, I was too curious about God's wife's work not to research your writing standards as well. A few comical quotes from you above. First off, deflate your head, I see no Plath or Dickenson inbetween these words, much less that of Shakespeare. You speak of love as if you have an abundance of it, yet you are so bitter at the same time...and "telling stories" - I can just imagine you with a room full of eight year olds, heaven help them, no pun intended :) Lastly you speak of intimately communicating with others, uhh, then what was that writer's fit you slashed out at a couple of poems I have written...I don't give a rat's ass how old you are, you still have a lot to learn both in poetry & what seems like in life as well. By the way I did enjoy your poem, coming from an writer in obvious "real pain" because you have obsession issues. And THAT is my feedback.. Always, Sunny
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Apr-06/2:39 PM
I'm personally not a fan of the "love ballads" per say, but this has a lot of potential. I thought there was one major distraction from theme in this poem: the entire second stanza...it was like you sliced this story teller in half by thinking aloud for a moment & then went back to the page you left off on. Can't PERSONALLY see how this could be intentional?? I couldn't find one line break that didn't flow smoothly though, & I was very keen on your shortened lines. I have to say before I shut up, that I didn't like the closing "...cotton whispers" line - bring out the cheese :) Just joking with you, but I still think the last line is a bit goofy. Thanks for the read Cadacus! ~Sunny
Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	28-Apr-06/3:12 PM
OK, I liked this one until the last couple of stanzas where somehow I was taken into your mind's eye of life's time-toll into one particular instance of death...you the original main character, became lost into a guy in a gun fight...& as far as the last stanza, I couldn't tell if you were still talking about the above stanzas gunned-down death or another fighting instance. I get what you are trying to emphasize here, but the theme is still broken & lost in my opinion. Other than this major unclarity, I really did like your overall style :) Good, clean line breaks with a lot of action going on, kudos to you on that. ~Sunny
Re: Turn your back by kliq	28-Apr-06/3:25 PM
Sooo what your portraying here is a mockery of society because we judge others without getting to know them first?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I got from it anyway...As far as my commentary goes, I really did think about the style, pattern, theme, if the poem "grabbed me" per say, and you aren't going to like this, I apologize for my honesty, but...I didn't care for it. It is not a style I enjoy: maybe I've seen it too much or just need elements such as imagery & whimsey in poetry, but that's just me. Others might completely relate. And it's not like I write about kittens & daisies or like reading that kind of material for that matter, I mean Plath is my favorite for goodness sake, so it's not that I don't appreciate the dark undertones...or flat-out obvious dark "overtones" like in this poem... Thanks for the read however, ~Sunny
Re: Throne by MacFrantic	28-Apr-06/3:47 PM
I actually liked this mideival glory-theme :) You held close to your theme throughout which we all know is crucial in poetry. Your style even echoed of old English (not true old English of course or neither of us would understand a lick of it...). Your word choice was not only smart but another compliment to the overall theme, I like that tightness you managed to pull off so well!! I also found your stanza variation to be quite exciting & a breath of fresh air from the norm. I might have to try this spicey stanza altercation once myself!! Thanks for the read, ~Sunny
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	6-May-06/9:34 AM
Hey Ranger, OK, I hope this is the most recent write you wanted my commentary on, more like a critique, which I am more than appeased to do; you are so faithful to my writes. Here are some examples of nit-picks I didn't care for... -I don't care for poetry lacking correct punctuation. Punctuation is a huge confusion-killer to the reader (I know you only left out the periods, but in order to do this, the poem MUST be extremely clear on how it is to be read & theme as well, which is a tactic I have not even attempted yet myself). Fragments, as is the main composition of the first stanza, are fine, but an entire strophe of them can get under my skin a bit... -Overall, hate to say it, I found little grasp of clarity. It seemed to me you sort of ventured off into winter wonderland half way through, never to return. My mere opinion of course. This choppy style simply does not give your reader enough to hold onto, to grasp the in-depth theme of this poem. I saw too many descriptions after descriptions after...you get it, leading to where? -Lastly, I thought it was too long, unparalleling itself from the overall theme. I do get the overall theme & believe these types of poems should punch with "show," no "tell" in a Dickenson sort of way. I think you get very distracted from your base theme. With every line, every word, ask yourself if it is a direct response back to what you are trying to portray to your reader; this is critical in good poetry, & I know you are more than capable of this, no doubt. -Again, lastly, avoid similes. I am contracted w/ a poetry professor out of NY who taught me this valuable "slap on the hand," per say. The usage of similes only distracts the reader from theme, big no-no. Sorry for the novel, but I was truly just trying to be of some kind of help... ~Sunny
Re: Guttural Responses are Best Saved for Light-rail Mondays by MacFrantic	6-May-06/9:52 AM
Bravo, bravo, bravo. Funny as hell, literally & very well written. No crit on this one... ~Sunny
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	20-May-06/1:55 PM
I found this to be a very clean piece, although I am one of 'those' who doesn't really care for caps w/ each new line, but I can still look past this of course. I like circles. I like circular stories...so is life, isn't it?! My own personal notes: -L2S1: I think starting out the line with "For" is unnecessary & reads awkwardly -The play again & again of humility such as bringing up the van they were in repeatedly & such word usage as "...the best little farm..." is very nicely played on -This is a "growth poem" per say - I liked that -Didn't like how the "forest HEATED her home"...just didn't click w/ me -Don't feel SHE needs to be screamed out in all caps. I don't feel that way in any instance in poetry however, just me. -Good ending. Sharp & unpredictable, reading line by line ~Sunny
regarding some deleted poem...	20-May-06/2:05 PM
I read this poem for what it was, very clear & simple. Sweet & short. But...I do expect love-inspired poetry to slightly move me, & this was a bit mundane for my tastes, please don't take this personally. Maybe you could establish a pattern with a repitition of first lines in each stanza as "I feel..." perhaps for example. I felt a bit of random scattered thought pouring onto paper, without precision & passion. Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to be of some help...if any at all. ~Sunny
Re: Tattered by VintageLove08	21-May-06/5:53 PM
This poem obviously carries much emotion with it...which you can do a lot with. I think you managed to pinpoint a lot of emotion dead-on, if you will, but there were a few things I wanted to point out to you: -L2: "paper cuts"?? -L5: Nice -L10: I didn't understand how malaise could be a friend?? -Last line: I thought you could end with more emotion, more grasp on the heart of your theme, in my personal opinion. ~Sunny
Re: Godproof Hat by Dovina	21-May-06/6:14 PM
Well done limerick. I think the Buddhiistic choice is a bit of a confusion, to me at least, not speculating you are speaking of Christianity at all due to the low caps, but I still don't know where it came from. I loved the second stanza due to your raw imagery, but I have to say (and I am fully aware you are you might very well be more wise than I in this poetic world, but...) I don't think this well done poem should be composed as a limerick. Free verse. Limericks are for the jolly's. That is not the tone I got from this, just my opinion. Overall, very impressive. Powerful. ~Sunny
Re: The Flawed Inventor by Caducus	25-May-06/10:58 PM
Interesting lesson you learned & took note to...A few notes I wanted to point out: -L4S4: Very smart when looking at the aftermath in this 'story' -L2S2: I recognize the "brown" of "brown windows" is repeated in the last stanza, but I don't understand the signifigant meaning behind the use of brown??? -Sunny
Re: The Freezer by Bazilla	25-May-06/11:16 PM
Funny, I made some nit-picks next to some of your lines though... You had to clap out on us, It was sad but true, All the chicken within,> I'm honestly asking, is the insertion of commas even when they aren't necessary a certain form because I've seen it done several times & seriously don't know Had to be stewed. All the food has had to be cooked, And all the remains, 13 Curries to keep us going till Xmas,> You can still have a lax style to this poem & make "till" - " 'till" & "Xmas" - "Christmas"...Christmas isn't that hard to spell after all :) 10 Chicken Tonights for all the days,> Umm, "Chicken Tonights"...what?? And Vienettas galore. We got ??170 composations,> The ?? before 170 is a bit strange looking; I'd put them behind the number, if I was going to put them in at all But if the truth be told,> This whole line could very well be taken out in my opinion It turned out it was the fuse, That refused to be so bold. So now we have high portions, And now we have ??170, And now we have our freezer back, And now we have a fuse.> Too many lines of the same stanza above. You could leave this stanza, but condense all the 'and's' & repition in general I think I love you Freezer, You keep me warm, Please don't ever leave, I mean you no harm.> Intended strange last impression that means, well, who knows what?? -Sunny
Re: trained by calliope	30-May-06/3:17 PM
A few thoughts: -L5S1: I don't find your choice of "delicious" a great amplifying of description -L3S2: A nit-pick...but I would add "where" to the following line to enhance a cleaner line break if I were you -Even though a very shadowed one, you write of the city's character & personality per say pretty well. Nicely done. ~Sunny Sweep down and gather the clouds in an aluminum bowl. Travel through the trellis where the vagrants have embellished the delicate, delicious cement with graffiti. Climb up the side of the Sears Tower. Wipe all the windows where widows were made after businessmen husbands were pimped at and paid. Then spend some time on the platform at night. Let a few trains pass before you ride. And take in the sights before you burrow beneath and disappear til your lonliness brings you back here.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-May-06/3:24 PM
I liked the sound the way it ended. A nice dedication, true point of theme...that never can be spoken or written of enough. ~Sunny
Re: Painkillers for Fun by Sunny	1-Jun-06/2:06 PM
Ranger, Honored at the score...once again, despite all the sloppy imperfections of original versions. Thanks for choosing to comment on a few of my poems out of the many out there that are actually good, some of the time-I never said that :0 In reference back to your persistantly knowledgable comments: -I'll move blinked (which is definitely a verb in this line's context), to the line above, for a 'smoother ride'-you're right Ranger -The whole dog usage...honestly...what? Please explain what you are referring to; I'm totally lost on that one -I did get carried away like a mad woman on my white kick, thanks for pointing that out...I mean, I would hope people would tell me if I my bikini top slid off in the water & I had no clue...ya know?? Thanks for everything :) ~Sunny