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The Freezer (Free verse) by Bazilla You had to clap out on us,
It was sad but true,
All the chicken within,
Had to be stewed.
All the food has had to be cooked,
And all the remains,
13 Curries to keep us going till Xmas,
10 Chicken Tonights for all the days,
And Vienettas galore.
We got ??170 composations,
But if the truth be told,
It turned out it was the fuse,
That refused to be so bold.
So now we have high portions,
And now we have ??170,
And now we have our freezer back,
And now we have a fuse.
I love you Freezer,
You keep me warm,
Please don't ever leave,
I mean you no harm.
Up the ladder:
untitled
Down the ladder:
Drunken note #3
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.714286
Posted: October 2, 2002 9:05 AM PDT; Last modified: October 2, 2002 9:05 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.9231596 Overall Rank: 9391 Comments:
Funny, I made some nit-picks next to some of your lines though...
You had to clap out on us, It was sad but true, All the chicken within,> I'm honestly asking, is the insertion of commas even when they aren't necessary a certain form because I've seen it done several times & seriously don't know Had to be stewed. All the food has had to be cooked, And all the remains, 13 Curries to keep us going till Xmas,> You can still have a lax style to this poem & make "till" - " 'till" & "Xmas" - "Christmas"...Christmas isn't that hard to spell after all :) 10 Chicken Tonights for all the days,> Umm, "Chicken Tonights"...what?? And Vienettas galore. We got ??170 composations,> The ?? before 170 is a bit strange looking; I'd put them behind the number, if I was going to put them in at all But if the truth be told,> This whole line could very well be taken out in my opinion It turned out it was the fuse, That refused to be so bold. So now we have high portions, And now we have ??170, And now we have our freezer back, And now we have a fuse.> Too many lines of the same stanza above. You could leave this stanza, but condense all the 'and's' & repition in general I think I love you Freezer, You keep me warm, Please don't ever leave, I mean you no harm.> Intended strange last impression that means, well, who knows what?? -Sunny 151 view(s)
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My mind just went off for a second, poets love that sort of thing.