Re: a comment on Desperate Season by Sisterwolf	30-Dec-05/5:16 PM
I use a poetic device, juxtaposition - to jar the reader. Plus, my justification is that I don't use it present tense, but future perfect. For me, winter is dark, withdrawn and without joy. Terror: I used the phrase ancient people - at the beginnings of time the inhabitants thought the sun was gone forever, and they would live in darkness - thus Spring Solstice, when they rejoiced and celebrated the return of the sun and new life I appreciate your remarks very much. They are offered sincerely and without rancor.
Re: Night Work by forestchild7	29-Dec-05/1:08 PM
I do see one thing that might help you - don't use and anymore than you have to. As in line 12, the first and could easily be eliminated - another thing you can do is use commas instead of and, you will convey your meaning and it's much smoother. I really do like this very much.
Re: a comment on Ennui by Sisterwolf	28-Dec-05/9:07 PM
Today I critiqued every single one of the 'worst' poems, and several that were random. I love to teach, to help and I hope you will see my list of comments.
Re: Old Friends by sliver	28-Dec-05/7:26 PM
Intranet, may I point out that I got scolded for having made no useful criticism - ie, great work, etal. This poem has no constructive criticism at all. No big deal, but I thought about what you said and have been critiquing to help because I thought praise was not acceptable comment. Peace!
Re: Old Friends by sliver	28-Dec-05/7:22 PM
I know poetry used to have all first line capitals, but I feel it lends to the flow if second lines are in small case.
Re: Death's Cold Eyes by forestchild7	28-Dec-05/7:19 PM
In my opinion, using thine and thys is risky. Those are usually used in reference to a deity. None of the tone of the rest of your work uses formal English to match. Hateness is not a word. There is an incongruity with soldiers out of breath...smacks of reaching for a rhyme. Next to last line -thine is not proper - thy is correct. Last line, there is no need for an apostrophe with see's... the apostrophe makes a possessive. Same on fourth line from bottom - no apostrophe.
Re: order of events by skaskowski	28-Dec-05/7:14 PM
Just a first thought I had... numbering detracts from the power of your words. Need a capital S in first line. Repetitive she lends it a rhythm.
Re: Virgin by MacFrantic	28-Dec-05/7:12 PM
Second verse, lines 2 and 3 don't make a clear statement, at least to me. Good basics here - needs spit and polish.
Re: Grieving by d35	28-Dec-05/7:09 PM
Some deep emotions here. Line 7 should say 'ground' instead of grown. The odd spacing tears up your cohesiveness. When you have good stuff to say, it doesn't need a lot of odd punctuation . . . A rewrite would be my suggestion. I would love to read it if you do one.
Re: Artificial Reality by PK	28-Dec-05/7:06 PM
There are a lot of good basics here, but it yaws in order to make certain statements. Line two of verse 2 should be 'has opened' - don't sacrifice good grammer to achieve an end.
Re: lip balm by FreeFormFixation	28-Dec-05/7:01 PM
Cute. Maybe a stretch for rhyme though, my friend. line 6 is out of synch... could omit 'trapped and'. Cheese wigs is not a familiar term to me, so am supposing it is a bug??
Re: youre there... by PhSbLoNdE569	28-Dec-05/6:58 PM
Such angst. This really needs tightening and endline cohesion of some kind - as is it rambles all over the page. Take it from me, add punctuation, it gives edges and smoothes out the bumps.
Re: Follow The Rainbow by forestchild7	28-Dec-05/6:56 PM
Lots of love here. I think it would do well with some pruning and tightening up, endline repair, and pruning. It is jagged to read, needs a smoother flow to do justice to your thoughts.
Re: a comment on Ennui by Sisterwolf	28-Dec-05/12:27 PM
Thank you! My cognitive abilities range depending on stress and other health issues. But I am trying to be a big girl and use suggestions, not go postal. This info made everything clear for me. . .
Re: Regime Change by Nicholas Jones	28-Dec-05/12:23 PM
Your absolutes rock. This would be better as an essay, in my opinion. Needs a cleanup of punctuation and spelling, and you need a space between until and when. I think you have a good piece to trim and mold into a really nice essay.
Re: hah by xanthippe	28-Dec-05/12:15 PM
I have no legs because I am a superb example of frog-ness, and my legs really are my best feature. I wish I had something constructive to offer - but shock value poetry doesn't do it for me. No barbed comment back, please, I really care.
Re: hate by ts	28-Dec-05/11:55 AM
Was this a parody of poetry? Because if it isn't, you are not serious about your craft. I have but one suggestion, toss it and try again.
Re: Ah! That Love Would'st Lead Me by EggbertShootsFire	28-Dec-05/11:53 AM
I am setting myself for a blast from others, but - this really isn't bad - a little forced, but it does have the flavor of English poets of Blake's era. Personally, I love that kind of poetry, but you take a real risk posting it where it isn't seen in its best light. And would that I could leave him! "He, whose tone has pierced me through; Clad in white and softly smiling, With my tender heart left writhing, As these shameless tears renew." I would have put a comma after left - to emphasize writhing, but that's me, not you. This verse I chose was really strong, could use some tweaking, but it is very good. "And so, young poet, clad in black, merely a few things your words do lack. Hone thy skills with grace and labor, that they might not be smote with tabor."
Re: Mask by sk8boardandpoems	28-Dec-05/11:46 AM
Honey, I feel and share your hurt. You have a basis here for a good poem. Sometimes I cannot critique in the proper way, so with your forgiveness, I have written the poem another way - as a learning tool - your words are always yours. I'm not so happy, I fake it all All I desire is never have to crawl. Whenever I laugh or smile, it's fake enough to see for a mile. They laughed and made fun of me, without the courage to look in and see my thoughts, my feelings, my heart. My grades were bad, but I knew I was smart. When tears rolled down my face, they tied me with frayed and dirty lace. "Tie her hands first", they yell. Bury her in flowers so won't smell. As I listened to all of their plan, they took off my mask, I was a man. "Don't hurt him, they said, he's a boy. As they untied me and me aside, "How about her. Let's all decide." Prejudice came to live with me that day, that's all that, now I nothing more to say.
Re: AIDS in a van by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	28-Dec-05/11:35 AM
First, be adult enough not to answer my comment with some poisoned barb. . . I do believe you achieved your goal - this little tit has garnered more comments than decent ones. I was a Hospice Nurse for 25 years and regard AIDS with respect, presenting it in ways that will uplift and educate.