on After Fighting (More Blood Edit) by zodiac
27 Jan 2006, 9:29 AM
You chose to use "dog" for atheism, am I right?
Has he stopped fighting yet?
I'd change lopped to lobbed.
There's nothing wrong with being atheist
as long as you're not afraid of death.
Has he stopped fighting yet?
I'd change lopped to lobbed.
There's nothing wrong with being atheist
as long as you're not afraid of death.
on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo
29 Jan 2006, 12:39 PM
What's the -- after "light" for?
on Rain by dancin_n_da_moonlite
29 Jan 2006, 12:47 PM
Considerate of you to stop before Davey asked Katie for a BJ. I kinda like this though, really.
on Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger
29 Jan 2006, 2:06 PM
Better than Paul McCartney's version.
Once during one of those erie calms before the storm I stood on my porch watching a large flock of them spiraling a tunel in the grey-blue sky. Like shadows, like dark angels forming a vortex as if it were a passage to some demonic yet magnificent otherworld.
Once during one of those erie calms before the storm I stood on my porch watching a large flock of them spiraling a tunel in the grey-blue sky. Like shadows, like dark angels forming a vortex as if it were a passage to some demonic yet magnificent otherworld.
on For such is a childâs heart by amanda_dcosta
29 Jan 2006, 5:34 AM
Change the first line to: "The children play in the field."
on Racial Hate by Glasseyez
29 Jan 2006, 6:26 AM
What color is the heart again? http://tuberose.com/Graphics/Bypass%20su
Blood is red usually but of different shades.
If you think I'm nitpicking you're right, which is my point. Although yes we are the same on a grander scale, we are also different in little ways. We have evolved to become sensetive to these tiny differences so that we can better identify each other(so you don't go hugging every old man you see on the street and calling him grandpappy). Racism is just an unfortunate biproduct of an essential evolutionary trait. Maybe if geneticists learn how to turn blacks white or whites black then we'll all be better off but I doubt it.
Blood is red usually but of different shades.
If you think I'm nitpicking you're right, which is my point. Although yes we are the same on a grander scale, we are also different in little ways. We have evolved to become sensetive to these tiny differences so that we can better identify each other(so you don't go hugging every old man you see on the street and calling him grandpappy). Racism is just an unfortunate biproduct of an essential evolutionary trait. Maybe if geneticists learn how to turn blacks white or whites black then we'll all be better off but I doubt it.
on some deleted poem
29 Jan 2006, 7:27 AM
Word on the street is in a little known book called "Brando Unzipped" there is a picture of him smoking a big fat cigar, and by "cigar" I mean "black cock".
on Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera
29 Jan 2006, 12:31 PM
"Your hair sideways like conch-shell swirls" is a great line. Get at least two more lines like that and it's an automatic 10 from me.
on How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo
29 Jan 2006, 11:08 AM
Yes and please check out my poem "Penny Loafer Blues".
Your poems good but it feels like it needs more, like it's just getting started.
Your poems good but it feels like it needs more, like it's just getting started.
on midnight feast by pollywolly
29 Jan 2006, 12:20 PM
Much like ecargo's tiger poem, your's starts something very interesting but it seems like it wnts to tell us more.
on Malice In Wonderland (edited) by Caducus
29 Jan 2006, 12:56 PM
There is something horrific about childrens stories that you only discover as an adult. There's a little too much of a gap between images and the last stanza comes across as a shock gimmick.
on Untouchable by rahson_s
29 Jan 2006, 1:07 PM
"Loves to be fucked by angry young men
and wants to be loved by daddyâs best friend."-by me.
She'll grow out of you and leave you, I promise.
It's just the way it is.
and wants to be loved by daddyâs best friend."-by me.
She'll grow out of you and leave you, I promise.
It's just the way it is.
on yo yo yo, ride by FreeFormFixation
30 Jan 2006, 10:08 AM
This would be a ten if it made a little more sense.
on Time, Indeterminate by ecargo
30 Jan 2006, 12:18 PM
At first I thought he was in a submarine. The whale and the name Zeppelin('cause they're shaped like a sub) is what led me to go there. But by the end I was pretty sure he was in prison. It really expresses well the loneliness of emprisonment from both points of view. Good job.
on Glitterati by ecargo
30 Jan 2006, 12:27 PM
Something akin to Torch Song Trilogy me think. Nice meloncholy.
on The Book of Images by Dovina
31 Jan 2006, 2:56 PM
I would rather you work these images into a story or into something about yourself than just list them. You could have shown how the images reflect off each other. Like Abraham seeing the ram with his head stuck in the thicket and Christ with his crown of thorns.
It was still well worth the read though.
It was still well worth the read though.
on some deleted poem
1 Feb 2006, 5:22 AM
The 25 "I"s and 23 "you"s not to mention the umpteen "my"s and "yours" have numbed my senses to anything important that your poem has to say.
on Les Imagistes by Nicholas Jones
1 Feb 2006, 5:09 AM
Your proposed method seems less like a duck on a frozen lake and more like a duck shot by a Duck-shot shell.
and monsters are born from the minds of men.
But if all men start out as babies
then monsters are beauty's grandchildren.